Mike Patrick: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and greetings from the picnic tables outside of the WIS kitchen. I’m Mike Patrick back to host the WISBowl III Draft. It’s a pleasure to be back with you. The doctors recommended I take a break following the
WISBowl I draft for mental health reasons, and I think it was a great decision. But now I’m back and ready to go.
This looks to be another exciting draft day as team captains Matt Moore of Levin’s Bad Guys and Joanna Douillette of Zomer’s Zombies are here to make their selections. I’ll be joined today on commentary by my colleagues Paul Maguire and Scott Priest. Unfortunately, Steven A. Smith could not return, and Erin Andrews is…well…dead. However, we should be able to avoid any repeats of last year’s draft since we have relocated from Washington Street and the dreaded P3. I’d like to turn it over to Paul for a quick—Paul? Paul where’d you go?
Paul Maguire: Up here Mike!
Maguire is seen being lifted above the picnic table area on a crane.Maguire: You see Mike I’ve grown so used to being
suspended above the field for college football games that it’s become an addiction. I can no longer broadcast from ground level. Last time that happened, I dotted the wrong side of the “I” in Ohio!
Patrick (takes a swig from a flask): Here we go again. Well, let me introduce our two team captains and take a look at today’s draft board. Matt and Joanna, welcome.
Matt Moore (with just a polo shirt on outside): Thanks Mike. Damn, it’s kinda warm out here. Any way we can get a fan out here?
Patrick: No.
There is a banging on the windows about them. The camera pans up to a sneering Susie Harding.Harding (muffled behind the glass): [Inaudible drivel]…now YOU must suffer!
Moore: Ah well, I guess I’ll live. So I’d like you know I didn’t bring any Natural Ice with me this year.
Patrick: Oh! That’s good to hear. So no more drafting diminutive reality stars?
Moore: Well, I can’t guarantee anything. Actually, in full disclosure, I have to admit I’m not totally substance-free this year. You see, Alyssa Walsh hooked me up with—
Patrick: OK, we going to try and avoid any arrests today. Why don’t you just tell us what your strategy is today, how you plan to replicate your past WISBowl success, and who your draft representative will be.
Moore: Well, Mike, I don’t have any real strategy. I’ll probably start by drafting myself since I’m the best player on the board and am 2-0 in past WISBowls. Therefore, my team will have nothing to worry about. Once again, I’m rolling with a full draft committee. I had to regroup this year since the squad that represented Moore Money Moore Problems all managed to secure contracts this season. Therefore, I had to search outside of sports. With the taping of Rock of Love Charm School coming to an end, the girls needed something to do, so I managed to secure Brandi M., Destiney, and Kristy Joe. My honorary first pick announcer will Sara Leigh Murphy.
Patrick: Sounds like a plan. Jo—
Moore: Just kidding man. You said you didn’t want anyone getting drunk today. Raymond, the Rays’ mascot will be announcing my picks.
Patrick: Please stop talking. Joanna, how are you?
Joanna is sipping a vodka martini, clearly disappointed that Murphy will not be there to drink with. Joanna Douillette: I’m doing great; I’m so excited to be here for my first experience as captain of a WISBowl team. I’m 1-1 for Bowl games, and I feel like I have a lot to prove this year. I was hoping we’d get a venue in Disney for the game, but Matt is too upset to go anywhere near Tampa Bay right now—he burst into tears when I mentioned it—but it’s always a pleasure to play at the Nick Fox Farewell Field. My strategy for this draft is to go for players with real intelligence on the field, ones who know the game and have a real thirst for competition and aren’t afraid to get dirty. Because he was so interested in the league this year, and he’s really hot, my husband Tom Brady is going to be announcing the first pick.
Patrick: Thank you, and good luck to you both. Now let’s turn to out resident analyst, Scott Priest. Scott, what can we expect to see today?
A group of high school girls at the end of the parking lot clutch at each other and shriek with excitement as Priest begins to speak.Priest: The biggest story tonight will be to see where the quarterbacks go. For the first time in league history, three legitimate quarterback options are available. Who bites first? How quickly does the other respond? Will my draft stock be lowered after an abysmal WISBowl II? Beyond that – how will the captains evaluate new talent that they haven’t seen, namely Jermaine, Nick, and Jenny Beaumont Wilfrid. What about the stocks of breakout players Vilmos Csizmadia and Adam Gelinas? All kinds of storylines, and the players in the green room are itching to join their new teams and form life-long alliances. Not to mention, I need to know whose house to egg later tonight.
Patrick: Thanks, Scott. Well then, we’re about to begin. Laura Casasanto, who will be unfortunately absent from her familiar spot on the field as time and scorekeeper Saturday has graciously agreed to man the draft clock for us. And Matt, due to your victory in the only game played this season, you again have the first pick. You’re on the clock.
Douillette: That game didn’t count.
Moore ignores her.Moore: Yeah, I’m done.
Patrick: OK, wasting no time. Let’s listen in for the official announcement.
Raymond enters the kitchen and steps up to a microphone. After looking quizzically at the notecard with the name, then at the microphone, Raymond shrugs his shoulders, drops the name, and begins to wiggle his belly for the camera. Suddenly a producer appears and hands Raymond a pink slip, inexplicably firing the friendly mascot.Sean Edwards, who was in the kitchen to get some coffee, witnesses what happens.Edwards: Hmm, that reminds me of when the Patriots fired Maurice Hurst. Anyone?
Brandi M. walks in as the new representative to announce the picks for Levin’s Bad Guys. Brandi M.: With the first overall pick in the WISBowl III draft, Levin’s Bad Guys select Matt Moore!
She winks in the direction of Moore.Moore: Damn straight motherfucker. I’m number one in this bitch.
Douillette: Grow up, you’re like number 19.
Patrick: Uh, Matt you’re automatically on the team.
Moore: Listen Mike, I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Bask in the glory of this pick.
Patrick: No. Luckily, you haven’t yet run out of time, please pick again.
Moore: No way, I’m the first overall pick. Fine, let’s call this a sandwich pick since I don’t know what that means. Brandi?
Brandi M.: With pick 1a of the WISBowl III draft, Levin’s Bad Guys select Vilmos Cz- Si- Siz-. I can’t read this. It's harder than the duchess' name.
Moore: Yup, the Hungarian Barbarian, Vilmos! Even though I beat him in a race across a pool while holding two cans of beer, he’s the most worthy out of any of these people to join my team.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who’s got speed and always find a way to get open, Vilmos is your man. BAM!
Patrick: Thanks for the insight, Paul. Let’s go to Scott for some more.
Priest: Vilmos is probably the player who most saw his stock rise in the lone fall league game this season. Csizmadia hauled in a couple of late touchdowns, proving himself to be a reliable deep threat. Perhaps a little high at first overall, but matched with Matt's speed, Levin's Bad Guys now possess the ability to stretch the field and challenge Zomer's Zombies safeties. Of course, to capitalize, they'll have to shore up the offensive line and get a quarterback with a strong arm in later rounds.
Patrick: Alright, and with that, Zomer’s Zombies are on the clock.
Tom Brady walks to the podium. His teeth are impossibly white, and his smile dazzles the crowd, which for a second can’t remember why it’s there. Brady: With the second overall pick in the 2008 WISBowl III Draft, Zomer’s Zombies select Stephanie Smith.
He returns to the bench and holds Joanna’s hand.Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a girl who can change a game by dominating the line, Stephanie is it. BAM!
Douillette: The reasons behind this choice were simple. Smith is ferocious on the field – I still have bruises from when I lined up against her three months ago. She pushes the limits of fair play without getting penalty calls, and her recent spate of touchdowns has the fans hungry for more (and her opponents crying out in fear). She’s been practicing Irish Step Dancing to improve her footwork and I expect her to evade tackles left and right. We need her on offense and defense and are expecting great things from her this game. With or without a hangover, she’s a force to be reckoned with.
Priest: Joanna knows that the game is won in the trenches, so she goes after the premier offensive and defensive lineperson in WISFFL. Unmatched raw power and emotion, and the pipes to match. Plus they can giggle and talk about puppies and shit.
Douillette: Steph, I love your shirt!
Smith: Thanks, on sale at Ann Taylor Loft!
She takes a seat next to Joanna.Patrick: Well, the first round is over without any major incidents, thank god. Levin’s Bad Guys are on the clock for their second pick and—what’s this? Apparently we’re being joined by Adam.
Adam picks up a headset.Adam: Greetings Mr. Patrick. Unable to join a mantourage with the departures of former WISFFL great Kyle Bredenstine and WISFFL goof Matteo Gulla, I have lost my sense of purpose. I’ve spent my days listening to Bayside and writing letters to the WISFFL front office.
Patrick: Well that’s good to hear. Are you planning to appear in WISBowl III this Saturday at 12:30?
Adam: …
Patrick: Adam?
Adam: …
Moore: Don’t worry, we’re used to this Mike. Adam, you gonna play? (eom)
Adam: When is it and what time?
Moore: As we’ve said before, Saturday at 12:30.
Adam: Oh no. I’d really love to come out and play, but I can’t make it. It’s been lovely spending this time with you all. You’re all magical angels. Stay beautiful.
He leaves.Patrick: Well that was interesting. Matt, do you have a pick?
Moore: Yessir. With the third pick in the WISBowl III draft, Levin’s bad guys choose Jennifer Beaumont Wilfrid. We have four mutual friends on Facebook.
Patrick: I’m sure you do. I have to say I’m shocked. Do you even know her?
Moore: In what sense?
Patrick: Um…have you ever met her?
Moore: Yeah, San Francisco maybe. Probably at a Christmas party or something.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a woman who’s unscoutable due to never playing before and can tip the balance in Levin’s Bad Guys’ favor, Jen is it. BAM!
Patrick: Uh…well. Scott can you explain what Levin’s Bad Guys can expect from Jen?
Priest: A real surprise here, as Moore eschews his biggest need (a strong-armed QB), going for a major question mark, albeit one with major upside and a pleasing demeanor. Jenny Beaumont Wilfrid also has the benefit of not being her husband, Davin Wilfrid.
Patrick: OK, Joanna, you’re up.
Douillette: Zomer’s Zombies select MattburgerWeaver Walsh!
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a kid who’s constantly overlooked and is sneaky off the line, Matt is your man. BAM!
Douillette: This was an easy choice for my team. Walsh has the highest pain-tolerance of anyone I know. He is the reigning Snapping-Elastic-Bands-Against-Bare-Skin champion. He’s a superb blocker and helps give the quarterback extra time in the pocket. He’s skilled offensively, as well - during the first and only regular season game this year, he got a safety off the quarterback and is thirsty for more. He actually got the word “Safety” tattooed under his Welsh dragon tattoo, above his World of Warcraft tattoo. We’re hoping his hours upon hours of playing WoW have sharpened his concentration skills and left him bloodthirsty for competition.
Moore: I remember that safety. Your brother is terrible.
Douillette: I’ll kick your ass, Matt Moore. The Rays SUCK and wrestling and Santa Claus aren’t real.
She glares at him threateningly; apparently the martini is kicking in.Priest: Joanna is stacking up the line now, which should be no surprise if anyone has ever seen her run "Mermaid". Walsh was underutilized in the fall game due to a negligent quarterback. The advantage is that Moore will be unable to properly game plan for him, as his scouting report is quite blank. Sets up an unparalleled level of pale on the o-line, and allegedly has a hot sister.
Patrick: And now we swing it back to you Matt. What do you have in store for your next pick?
Moore: Let me ask you something Mike. You watch TNA?
Patrick: Excuse me?
Moore: You know, wrestling. X Division. Samoa Joe. Six-sided ring. Jeff Jarrett.
Patrick: I think I liked you better when you weren’t coherent.
Moore: Well, they’re gonna open the briefcases from the Feast or Fired match tonight. I’m hoping Curry Man gets fired and Christopher Daniels comes back.
Patrick: OK.
Moore: You know what his nickname is, Mike?
Patrick: Enlighten us.
Moore: The Fallen Angel. Hah, just like me. Now check this segue.
Kristy Joe walks out to the picnic table and hands Matt a briefcase containing his next pick. Everyone tries to peek inside as she opens it slowly. The name on the inside says LAUREN BONNEAU.Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a woman who is ferocious off the line, Lauren is it. BAM!
Patrick: Wow, two girls already Matt?
Moore: Let me remind you that I selected a dude and two girls with my first three picks for WISBowl I, Mike. We all saw how that turned out. Now I like Lauren’s passion. But never go up against her in Beirut. She makes up rules and ruins the game. Ridiculous.
Priest: I have to say, Moore's team-building is coming into question at this point. Lauren's like 3'8". Steph Smith will eat her alive. On the plus side, Lauren is tenacious and hateful and might literally eat someone alive. And she can run and catch and stuff.
Patrick: A great set of skills to have, indeed. Joanna, you’re next selection?
Brady: She chooses Jermaine Curtis.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy whose abilities better live up to his pre-game talk, it’s Jermaine. BAM!
Douillette: This might be the most exciting pick of the game for Zomer’s Zombies. Curtis is a newcomer to the league and his debut will be WISBowl III. I picked him because, quite frankly, he’s hilarious, and we’re hoping his football skills can match up with – or exceed - what his mouth is saying. He looks athletic, and let’s face it, the kid’s got style. I am hoping he’ll be the Randy Moss to our quarterback’s Tom Brady, pre-knee surgery, of course.
She pats Brady’s shoulder as he looks dejected.Priest: A coup in the third round. Baby T.O. has been spouting self-praise, though no one has seen him on the field. Has nice scarves. Is relatively tall. Will he suffer from Adam disease, or will he rise to the challenge and give effort? Expect the Zombies to test him early to see what he's made of. It will be interesting to see how Joanna builds the receiving corps around Jermaine, who steps in as the number 1 deep threat. And will Matt Moore counter with nemesis Steve Baccari?
Moore: Nope, next I pick Nick.
Patrick: Fox?
Moore: Weidman.
Douillette: I miss Nick Fox.
Smith: Nick Fox is here?
Douillette: No, it’s a different Nick.
Smith: There are two?
Douillette: Yup, the other one jumped off the train with us.
Smith: Oh. Nick Fox is getting married.
Every girl in a 4 mile radius: Awwww!
Patrick: I have to ask again, do you know him?
Moore: Met the guy once coming off the train. He also spoke of implementing the Wildcat offense. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy that loves the game of flag football, it’s Nick. Are you kidding me? BAM!
Priest: Moore adds another speedy threat, hoping to recreate the Greatest Show on Turf. That could be a problem when we play in mud, but the effort is interesting. The only other former track star we've played with has a tendency to get hurt, so we have to wonder if Weidman will suffer from the same problems. Moore likely envisions Weidman as a slot receiver, providing a quick option to throw to should the o-line, which doesn't really seem to be constructed, fail to block for the yet-to-be-determined quarterback.
Patrick: Joanna, do you have your fourth round pick ready?
Douillette: You’re damn right I do. Adam Gelinas.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy that takes great photos and is an underrated deep threat, Adam is your man. BAM!
Douillette: I am psyched to welcome Gelinas to the team as he’s been on the CR (Canoe Reserve) all season long, making this his first game since last season’s WISBowl. The hours he’s spent working on the canoe and practicing racing have surely honed his athletic build. Gelinas is a speed demon, and we are counting on his upper body strength, strong cardiovascular system, and football intelligence to bring this team to the highest levels of competition. He gives it his all and drives his teammates to do the same. We’re counting on him to match up with Vilmos and get some nasty receptions – and maybe some interceptions if we’re lucky.
Priest: All QB possibilities remain undrafted, perhaps showing that the difference between the three has been indistinguishable after Mackenzie's dominance in WISBowl II. Gelinas is a strong pick here. He was the bright spot on the losing team in WBII, showing flashes of defensive ability, and becoming a stronger receiver as the game progressed. We've seen the WISted Sister 2008 Summer MVP improve in other athletic ventures; Joanna has hit a home run with this pick. He'll be the second receiver, probably serving as Weidman's counterpart on Joanna's offense, to take some attention off Jermaine.
Moore: Scott, you don’t know my team at all. Next I choo-choo-choo choose Mr. Steve Baccari.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who is the second coming of Matt Moore at wide receiver, Steve. BAM!
Priest: And again the quarterbacks are snubbed, as the three remain for the last three picks. Moore again adds speed. We can now project his team: Moore and Baccari on the outsides with Weidman in the slot, and Bonneau, JB-dubs, and Villy on the line. Baccari also excels in pass plays off the o-line, so that's another option. A versatile choice by Moore.
Steve suddenly storms outside to where everyone is sitting.Baccari: Yeah! Yeah! Y’all gonna have a view to a kill on Nick Fox Field. Jermaine, get ready to die another day since I’m gonna beat the living daylights outta you. This message comes from Russia with love.
Priest: Oh, I love Russia!
Moore: And you love Zooey Deschanel and Lil’ Wayne, which is about as inexplicable as that glass wall thing next to Carole Cohen’s desk. Actually, that reminds me of something. BRB!
Patrick: And off he goes. Joanna, who do you select in the fifth round?
Douillette (points to Scott): Him.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who is a field general and is a master of intangibles, Scott is your man. Watch this, watch this. BAM!
Douillette: I’m thrilled to have the most handsome member of the WISFFL on our team. We are depending on his golden arm and chiseled physique to score some serious points during this game. Priest is one of the most seasoned members of the league, with steadfast pocket presence and the ability to stay cool under pressure. He has a wide range of passes in his arsenal – short tosses, medium-length spirals, and end zone miracles, as well as the ability to contort his body and manipulate flags with his mind to avoid impending tackles. We’re looking forward to having his experience, intelligence, and beard bring some serious depth to our team.
Priest: I'm proud to join a fine team led by a delicious cake maker. Joanna isn't delicious, her cake was. Well, she may be delicious, that's just not something I know. As far as you know.
Patrick: Well, looks like Matt’s back. What do you have there?
Moore: I found some poinsettias lying around the front lobby in a seemingly random manner. Decided I’d add some character to the draft table. Hey, what the hell?
Dan the facilities manager comes and removes the flowers and brings them back inside.Moore: Now what can Destiney put in her hair?
Patrick: So it all comes down to this. The sixth and final round of the WISBowl III Draft. Matt, your team is on the clock.
Moore: I now present to you my secret weapon. He was the breakout star of WISBowl II. Our connection on that day threw Nick Fox into an everlasting depression. I give you, Mr. Branden MacKenzie!
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about the league’s best pure, natural quarterback, it’s Branden. BAM!
Priest: Matt reunites with his WISBowl II QB, and this is no surprise. His complete inability to connect with Davin made this the easiest choice of the night.
Patrick: Alright, we’re down to our final selection. Joanna, I guess your hand is forced here.
Douillette: I thought we were done.
Patrick: No, you still have one more choice to make.
Douillette: We still have to pick one more player? Seriously? Fine, I guess we’ll pick Plaxico Burress. He’s pretty tough. He shot his own leg, after all.
Patrick: Plaxico is out of the question, I’m afraid, he’s still recovering, and we have a strict “No Idiot” policy in the WISFFL.
Sean Edwards pokes his head out the door at the mention of Plaxico Burress.Edwards: Hey guys, hey. I know that Plaxico Burress hates safeties, but that's just ridiculous. Zing!
Douillette: Fine, I choose Davin Wilfrid.
Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who sucks, Davin is your man. BAM!
Douillette: Zomer’s Zombies will count on Davin to balance out the number of Wilfrids in the game. (We’ve learned through hard experience that having two family members on the same team doesn’t always end up so well.) Maybe if we can get D. Wilfrid to distract J. Wilfrid with questions such as, “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight” or, “Have you seen my baseball glove?” someone else on our team will be able to find a hole to slip by. With his laser, rocket arm D. Wilfrid gives us a second quarterback option, and he is also a reliable receiver. He may seem harmless at a mere 5’1”, but don’t let his short stature lead you to underestimate his intensity.
Priest: Despite unmentionable levels of suckitude, Davin may be of some use on Joanna's team. They now have two legitimate quarterbacking options, leading for a tough defensive game plan for Moore, and myriad options for Joanna's crew; especially valuable given her creative playmaking skills. You have to envision a lineup of Steph, Walsh, and whoever doesn't QB on the line, with Jermaine, Gelinas, and Joanna split wide. Yep, split wide. Classy.
Patrick: Like My Morning Jacket, I’m amazed at how smoothly things ran this year. Scott, can you give us your overall draft assessment?
Priest: OK. First, Moore. You have to credit him for having a vision and seeing it through. Given his well-documented confidence regardless of who throws the ball, he went after complementary receivers to give his team enough options that the defense won't be able to overload on Moore. An interesting, if self-serving, direction. Plus he’s got the sensual and loving Jenny Beaumont Wilfrid.
A-.
Now, Joanna. She went the opposite direction, valuing a gritty, trench-driven team. She came away with two quarterback options, her BF, someone to have iPhoneSaber battles with during halftime, and enough speed to keep up with Moore's team.
A.
Patrick: On behalf of our entire staff, thank you very much everyone for viewing the 2008 WISBowl III Draft. Good luck to both teams on Saturday.
Draft Recap (round, overall pick):Levin's Bad Guys:Matt Moore (N/A)
Vilmos Csizmadia (1, 1)
Jen Wilfrid (2, 3)
Lauren Bonneau (3, 5)
Nick Weidman (4, 7)
Steve Baccari (5, 9)
Branden MacKenzie (6, 11)
Zomer’s Zombies:Joanna Douillette (N/A)
Stephanie Smith (1, 2)
Matt Walsh (2, 4)
Jermaine Curtis (3, 6)
Adam Gelinas (4, 8)
Scott Priest (5, 10)
Davin Wilfrid (6, 12)
