New World Order Twists Nick’s Knickers in Final Game of WISFFL Season II

By Blainette Lynorah

Uncertainty flooded the days leading up to the biggest game of the WISFFL's spring season as Co-Commissioners Nick Fox and Matt Moore searched for a permit to a local field. After a season full of sharing turf with drunk high school teams and vicious school children, they wanted to guarantee they had enough space to play the biggest game of the season - WISBOWL II.

For historical, practical, and personal reasons, the commishes wanted to hold the game at the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium. It was the field where Stephanie almost killed Eric (and vice-versa), where parades of puppies and children once gave a halftime show, and where Davin's college t shirt was ripped to bits and later tied around his head. Matteo's football was lost there, hypothermia set in there on multiple occasions, and most importantly, a small group of coworkers gathered there one stormy afternoon to play in a flag football game, just to see how it went, with no idea that it would eventually span two seasons and bring the players together in the spirit of friendship and competition.

Fox was promised the rights to the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium by the Norwood Department of Recreation, only to be told upon his and Moore's arrival there that there was made a mistake, the field was already booked, the department was sorry and the WISFFL could have a patch of dirt filled with broken glass and used heroin needles if they felt like it, instead of the field they had come to call home.

The Glorious Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium

"I'm sorry," said Cindy McUgly, head chairperson of the department. "I totally led on that Foxy guy over the phone when I told him the field was available. I knew it was booked but he has a really sweet voice and I wanted to meet him in person. I didn't realize he'd be so upset, it's just football, right?"

Police have so far been unable to connect reports of a Molotov cocktail being thrown into the department building to any member of the WISFFL, but a red car with an "Invest in Children" license plate was seen peeling out of the parking lot shortly before the blast.

And so, a fast and furious struggle to locate any playable field ensued. The WISFFL Front Office was filled with desperate phone calls, bribery attempts, and an offer to sell Gelinas's girlfriend in exchange for a field.

In a last-ditch effort, future WISFFL Co-Commissioner Joanna Douillette called the Massachusetts Department of Recreation and Conservation. After an hour on the phone during which she made the representative go through every field in the northeast and several in southern Canada, she discovered that there was a field right in Dedham that wasn't booked for the evening. It was a soccer field. It was big. It had lights and crop circles. And most importantly, it was guaranteed that Melissa Franks would never be able to find it. Papers were signed, letters were faxed, Matt Moore drove across the state, and the WISFFL had a new place to call home. It wasn't the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium, but it was a field, and when you're a flag football player, that's all you need. Plus some flags. And a football. (That's why Matteo can't play anymore, he doesn't have one).

Can you find Matteo’s football?

The initial uncertainty surrounding the game was replaced by a palpable excitement as the hours till the coin toss ticked away. Scott Priest would face a new challenger to the quarterback throne - Branden McKenzie, combine dropout and salesman extraordinaire. In his first game, McKenzie routinely threw the ball a mile and a half or more, resulting in few touchdowns but inspiring a great buzz about his arm strength.

Davin Wilfrid, a third choice for QB, was drinking beer and wearing lederhosen in some Germanic country, and was thus unable to participate in the game. He was unreachable at press time, but Mrs. Wilfrid later informed reporters that he cradled a football like a baby the entire trip and would break into tears anytime football was mentioned.

"He doesn't know that in Europe, football is actually soccer," she whispered during a phone interview. "I thought it was safest not to tell him."

Wilfrid showing his devastation at missing WISBOWL II

"I heard he sucks, anyways, so it wouldn't have made a difference if he played or not," McKenzie said, peering over the top of his Maui Jim shades. He paused, then added, "he's bigger than me, though, so don't tell him I said that."

Nick Fox’s yellow team resurrected the Twisted Nickers moniker while Matt Moore’s red team resumed the guise of the New World Order, rubbing steroid cream on each other and growing ridiculous yellow moustaches.

Everyone was excited about the return of Sean “Puppies” Edwards. Edwards had missed every single game of season two due to softball commitments, scheduling conflicts, and the excuse that his new baby, a doggie named Smithwicks, needed him at home. After nearly a week of assuring everyone he would be there, Sean backed out and broke the news to his teammates that he would be unable to play in the WISBOWL II.

“Sean’s a tough guy, I’ve seen him eat nails with milk and sugar for breakfast, and once he punched Harvey in the face just because he asked Sean to move up a brochure deadline,” Alissa Nelson, WIS marketer and lifelong athlete, said with a shrug. “But now that he got this puppy, he’s been wearing pastel colors to work and researching lullabies online. Just yesterday he offered to give George a hug! He lost his thirst for blood, that’s the real reason he’s taken himself off the roster.”

After a last minute flurry of trades to account for the loss of Sean and the unexpected addition of Tim “Nice to Meet You!” Carney, the game was set to begin.

Twisted Nickers won the coin toss and struggled from that moment on. The teams got on the line, Adam “Don’t Sell My Girlfriend” Gelinas hiked the ball, and QB Scott “Beardy” Priest searched unsuccessfully for a yellow teammate to hand or throw the ball to. After four quick downs, Twisted Nickers was forced to punt and Matt “I’m So Good I Don’t Need a Nickname, But I Have One Anyways and It’s ‘Moore Sucks’”Moore caught it and immediately ran it 90% of the way up the field. The yellow team should have just KEPT the ball and tried for the fourth down conversion and not cared about field advantage because they gave it up anyways but I’m not bitter I just need to take a DEEP BREATH.

New World Order quickly assumed dominance on the field. The guts and glory of their plays was captured on film by Laura “I Like Both Teams” Casasanto, who also doubled as timekeeper, and who’s boyfriend owns a Hedgehog.

“It’s really cute, you should come see it sometime!” She said excitedly to reporters.

Laura’s boyfriend and his hedgehog

McKenzie brought his “A+” game and threw a completion to Sean “I Like Pool Parties” Warnock, quickly putting his team up, 6-0. Twisted Nickers was again unsuccessful over the course of four downs, and in case somebody missed it the first time, McKenzie threw the ball to Warnock for a second touchdown, raising the score to 12-0 and causing Ryan Sawyer to break down into tears.

“It was just such a beautiful pass! What amazing form!” Sawyer whispered, dabbing his eyes on the sidelines. “I know Branden’s on the other team … but I must draw him!”

Nick “I Don’t Have to be Nice, I’m Moving Away!” Fox tried to inject some life into the increasingly Twisted Nickers. “LET’S DO THIS!” He and Priest chest-bumped, then drew up a quick play, not as good as Mermaid, clearly, but a cute one nonetheless. Unfortunately, these plans were once again spoiled by the hustling Moore and Adam “I’m Jiggy With It” Tokarz. Adam cut across Jay Henry’s path, effectively stopping the yellows and paving the way for a patented Moore interception, and Moore sprinted in, uncontested, for a touchdown. Shocked by this turn of events, the Nickers stood, gaping, mouths hanging open and defenseless, and were thus unable to block John “Monotone” Bertsch from getting the extra point although they could have if they wanted to.

“Let’s step this up!” Alissa “Jessica Rabbit” Nelson said to her tearful yellow teammates. “I didn’t return to the game only to have my ass handed to me on a platter! Let’s score some points!”

Alissa used a microphone to be heard better while inspiring her teammates

Her team took her words to heart. Gelinas set up to hike the ball then got into formation to help block, Jay “Knee Socks” Henry went wide right, and Alberto Benitez pawed at the ground like a bull, ready to destroy any red team member who came his way. Finding his rhythm, Priest eyed his options and ran down the field to put his team’s first points on the board, then he ran in the extra point for good measure. The Twisted Nickers finally had some points on the board, but they knew they had a long road ahead of them if they were going to overtake the Novel Earth Control.

Douillette and Nelson struggled against the stronger lineup of Stephanie “KILL” Smith and Susie “Program Guides” Harding. Both Smith and Harding had been hitting the gym for some extra workouts, as was evident by their increased speed, bulging biceps, and newfound thirst for blood.

“I can’t take it out there,” Douillette said, gasping for breath. “Steph is going to ki – NOOO! DON’T HURT ME!!” The interview was interrupted as Smith barreled her over on the sidelines and Harding dropped the People’s Elbow on her. Nelson was kicking around a soccer ball with Vilmos “Football Isn’t Enough, I Want Futbol, Too” Czismadia on the sidelines and was unable to come to her teammate’s rescue.

The yellow team continued to struggle mightily for the remainder of the game. Fox and Gelinas continued to be key players on their team, getting receptions and gaining yardage, until Fox fell onto a rock and split his knee open, and Gelinas gave up altogether and sailed his canoe around the giant puddle on the east end of the field for the remainder of the game.

The WISFFL’s new face of victory

Matt “I Can’t Eat Lunch Today” Walsh later admitted to reporters that he had that end of the field flooded as a cautionary measure prior to the game. He then fainted from the combined effects of groping Alissa and subsisting off of cereal alone for 4 days straight. Renda would be proud.

Several times during the game, it looked like the Twisted Nickers had new plans for the New World Order, with some snazzy receptions by Gelinas and Sawyer and serious yardage gained by the Foxxy Lady himself, but after Matt “Me Again!” Moore intercepted the ball during the yellow team’s first play of the second half, thoughts of defeat started creeping into their heads.

“We were like the Persians in that movie with the guy with the beard, and all the fighting, and the creepy guy on the cliffs who looks all hunchbacked,” Nick “I Hate You Guys” Fox said as he reflected on the game during the postgame conference.

“We thought we were going to win, but Matt’s Spartans really stepped up and played their hearts out the whole game. You gotta give them props, they did well.” He paused, heaved a shuddering breath, then added, “In the end, New World Order’s destruction of Twisted Nickers is reminiscent of the New World Order’s destruction of the WCW roster of ’96 and ’97. Just don’t tell Matt that I used a wrestling reference.”

The clock ran out on a 42-20 New World Order triumph over Twisted Nickers in the first ever WISFFL game played under lights. Moore was able to celebrate his second consecutive WISBOWL victory in true WISFFL style – with champagne and cigars for the victors, although he would have admittedly rather had something “else” besides tobacco in those stogies.

While the two teams high fived and the Nickers drowned their sorrows in tropical punch flavored Gatorade as consolation.

As the occasion drew to a close, Laura Casasanto declared the WISFFL’s new location the “Nick Fox Farwell Field.” Warnock piped in, suggesting it should be the “Nick Fox Memorial Stadium.” Sawyer added that maybe it should be the Foxy Colosseum, but Czismadia proclaimed it the Hungarian Horntail House of Soccer and Sex, which settled the matter. Matt Moore ceremoniously gave Fox a commemorative football, wrapped neatly in a plastic Roche Bros bag.

The ball was autographed by every person who had played in a WISFFL game during the first two seasons. Everyone except Matteo. He couldn’t figure out where the football was long enough to sign his name.


All photos courtesy of Adam Gelinas. For full album, go here: http://picasaweb.google.com/WISEvent/WISBowl2