Week 2 in Pictures

Pregame Warm-ups for The Foxxxy Ladies

Moore Better Than You Lines Up

Joe Theis--Lauducci Tosses One Deep Over a Leaping Renda

Sillers Makes a Reception in Front of Zomer


Breidenstine arrives ... FINALLY ...

... and Promptly Picks off Lauducci

Eric Frightens Everyone

Edwards Cannot Escape Priest Despite Barrett's Blocking

Priest Scrambles Before Dumping it Off

Scott Makes a Desparation Heave

Walsh Celebrates After Recording a Tackle Despite the Clock Ticking Down to a Moore Better Than You Victory

Photos Courtesy of Laura (on Wes' Camera)

Eric vs. Stephanie

Part I - The Hold

Part II - The Retaliation

Photography by Joanna

Week 3 Injury Report

INJURED RESERVE
Joe Lauducci (ACL)


OUT
Wes Hosking (Hamstring)


QUESTIONABLE
Alissa Nelson (Thumb) *Downgraded from PROBABLE
Ari Zomer (Calf, Hamstring, Hip Flexor, Back, Head, Shoulder, Knee)
Matteo Gulla (Running Errands)


PROBABLE
Dana Sillers (Hamstring)
Matt Moore (Ankle)
Matt Walsh (Out of Shape)
Stephanie Smith (Quadricep x2)

Timely Interceptions Preserve 39-37 Victory for Moore Better Than You

By Jerzy Jerz Wilfridsson

Peer advisee extraordinaire Matt Moore captained Moore Better Than You to a 39-37 victory over the Foxxxy Ladies at Ellis Hobbs III Memorial Stadium Saturday afternoon.

Moore reeled in two touchdown receptions and an extra point* before leaving in the 4th quarter because he had better things to do.

Moore’s leadership skills were questioned early on when several members of the team failed to show up to the highly anticipated matchup, for which Moore had prepared by ignoring work and saying hateful things to rival captain Nick Fox throughout the workday Friday. But when the game got under way, Moore’s team played with a coalescence unseen in the first game.

When reached for comment, Moore said, “Raaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” or at least that’s all we could hear from the death metal blaring from his car stereo.

The Foxxxy Ladies held a 31-25 lead late in the 4th when Father Scott Priest connected with someone or maybe rushed it in to tie things up at 31, he doesn’t remember. A successful extra point pushed Moore Better Than You to a one-point lead, needing a defensive stop to keep the Foxxxy Ladies from victory. On the first play of the drive Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes repped PA something fierce, running back an interception for what would prove to be the winning touchdown. The successful point-after pushed the Moore Better Than You lead to 39-31.

The Foxxxy Ladies would not go down quietly, as Ken “Nelly’s Second-Favorite Scott” Scott picked apart a tired Moore Better Than You defense, gaining a first down at midfield with a minute remaining. Scott connected with Sean “Why Don’t You Young Bastards Get My Pop Culture References from the Late-80s/Early-90s?” Edwards on a slant over the middle and Priest, playing an extremely lazy deep-safety managed to tackle Edwards ten yards outside the end zone.

Scott picked his way through the defense and the Foxxxy Ladies scored somehow, probably on a run by Edwards, or maybe it was Dana Sillers’ reception in the back of the end zone. Down 39-37, the Foxxxy Ladies faced a ten-yard two-point conversion, and lined up with Edwards in the backfield. Moore Better Than You called a timeout, adjusted its stalwart defense, and when play resumed, outside linebacker Couch Renda pulled in an interception at the goal line, icing the game.

The game was much smoother than the WIS crew’s first attempt, thanks to more open field in 7-on-7 and then 6-on-6 competition, non-hurricane-impeded conditions, and revamped playbooks for each side.

Priest, for instance, displayed a revolutionary new quarterbacking technique, throwing a remarkable 427 completed passes to linemen or slot receivers for no gain. The Padre also pulled his left, right, northwest, orthodox, south, lateral, east, middle, and medium groin muscles in his various attempts to avoid the rabid pass rushes of Eric “One of Mike Vick’s Dogs” Warner.

Moore Better Than You featured several standout receiving performances, including deep touchdown receptions by Moore and Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes. Moore and Breidenstine>Mendes each also pulled in extraordinary sideline grabs, Breidenstine>Mendes’ for a one-point conversion and Moore’s for his second TD of the day. Moore stood out as the team’s greatest celebrator, perfecting his half-spinning-semi-chest-bump-jumping-thing with Priest by his third score.

For the most part, though, it was a possession-dominated game, as Ari “a fusion of Wes Welker and Troy Brown circa 2001” Zomer hauled in several quick slants and hooks to keep drives alive, and Couch Renda had more receptions as an eligible offensive lineman than Mike Vrabel on acid.

Nelly Nelson provided an offensive spark for Moore Better Than You, running circles around her boss and boytoy, before jamming her thumb on some unknown play, which was undoubtedly Scott’s fault. Scott slept on the couch.

Davin Wilfrid sucks.

Steph “Diesel” Smith did an admirable job keeping the foaming-at-the-mouth Warner at bay, using her patented “I will blatantly hold you because no one is going to call a penalty” blocking technique to buy Priest time to scramble with the adroit running style of John Goodman in quicksand.

Wes Hosking reeled in a couple of catches, including a highlight-reel grab off a deflection off Renda’s hands for an important first down in the 3rd quarter. Said Hosking, “I do what I do, motherfuckers.”

Scott quarterbacked the Foxxxy Ladies valiantly after starting QB Joe Lauducci went down with an injury just before halftime. Scott teamed up with Fox, Edwards, Sillers, Tim Lavigne (who gets mad props for taking Lauducci to the hospital), and Mike Melo to advance the ball downfield against a bend-don’t-break Moore Better Than You defense throughout the afternoon. Warner, Chase Barrett, and Matt “Steph Smith Says I’m Cuddly” Walsh provided a solid offensive line behind which Scott was given ample time to scramble before finding open receivers.

The next game is slated for some future time, probably Saturday.

*All stats are verified through the Elias Sports Bureau. And by that, I mean that they are blatant fabrications.

Seeing Double

Stephanie Prepares for Week 2

Early miscues open door to 43-20 rout for Team Yellow

by Arantxa Sanchez Vicario

Late in the fourth quarter of Team Yellow's 43-20 victory over Team Red at Ellis Stadium on Saturday, diminutive Team Yellow flanker Susie Harding grabbed rookie QB Davin Wilfrid by the collar and barked into his face.

"I'm going down the left sideline. I'll be open. Throw me the fucking ball," Harding demanded.

Wilfrid received the ensuing snap, looked right, and fired left to a wide-open Harding, who charged into the end zone for Team Yellow's only extra point conversion of the contest.

That play was about the only precise thing that happened in a game obscured by intermittent rainfall, near-freezing temperatures, gale winds, and Matteo Gulla's insane play calling.

Team Yellow jumped out to an early lead on the first drive of the game when a broken play opened a huge hole for Wilfrid, who scrambled into the end zone. Wilfrid took advantage of Kyle Breidenstine's McNabb-like passing on the first Team Red possession, intercepting a pass and running it back for Team Yellow's second touchdown.

Yellow would finish the half with a 30-0 lead on the strength of touchdown passes to Scott "I really wasn't that psyched to come here today" Priest and Vilmos "The Wrist" Csizmadia, and another interception return.

Team Red regrouped in the second half
as Breidenstine and Ken "Hi, I'm Ken" Scott alternated at QB. Red found its running and short passing game as Breidenstine, Scott, Matt Moore, Mike Melo, and Sean Edwards took turns rifling through the backfield for short yardage gains. Edwards also set the all-time flag football record for amount of times getting tackled as his flags crept inch-by-inch up under his rain-soaked gray hoodie.

Moore had two picks and Edwards one as Red stormed back, largely on the strength of Joann Douillette's homegrown "Mermaid" play, in which invisible sea creatures breathe life back into Tom Hanks.

Team Red also found new life in the play of Alissa "Peyton" Nelson. Like her hero, Nelson was accurate, competent, and jovial while winning -- and then blamed her teammates for the loss. Nelson will now star in 67 off-season commercials.

Also setting the tone for Team Red was Stephanie Smith, whose innovative blocking techniques kept Gulla at bay on the line of scrimmage. After each snap, Gulla could be heard moaning "I think that's holding..." as he was dragged to his demise in four inches of freezing mud.

Gulla also won the Microsoft Vista
award for needlessly overcomplicated play-calling for his three-act play in which temp QB Dana was supposed to feign anger at Csizmadia's off-positioning and walk away, leaving the ball to be snapped to real QB Wilfrid. Explaining the play took longer than did the play itself, which resulted in a sack.

Anyway, Red pulled within striking distance at 30-20, but then Yellow found its game again as Nick Fox adroitly picked off a Scott pass and ran it back for a TD. Harding contributed a huge pick-off late in the game.

Game 2 is this Saturday. Same time, same place.