WISBowl III Announced

See you in November...

Dead Puppies show bark and bite in 64-39 over Spaghetti Cat

by Scott Priest

Joanna Douillette’s debut as WISFFL captain was spoiled by Matt Moore’s tastefully named Dead Puppies, who defeated Spaghetti Cat 64-39 at Vilmos Csizmadia Soccer Emporium Saturday.

The Puppies took a first-half lead on the strength of their widely renowned Chaos Theory offense, in which Father Scott Priest Holmes just kind of heaves the ball wherever he damn well pleases and Moore runs around like a wildebeest on acid.

Credit also goes to no. 2 wideout Steve Baccari, who earned game MVP honors with four touchdowns and a solid defensive showing, alternately shutting down Spaghetti Cat’s top receivers. With Spaghetti Cat’s defensive attention placed solely on Moore tenacious quadriceps, Baccari was able to find open space and collect passes from the Padre, who is better looking than Matt Cassel and gives off a warm pumpkin-y aroma.

Baccari scored three first-half touchdowns to go along with John Bertsch’s 1, plus a Bertsch extra point, which was successfully converted on the Puppies fourth straight attempt at the exact same goal line play. According to Laura Casasanto’s official score book, Baccari found himself making plays on defense as well, as she states, “1st half INTs: Steve, maybe more.”

Spaghetti Cat was close throughout the first half, behind the laser rocket arm of Davin Wilfrid Sucks. Alissa Nelson came running at the description of said arm, but found a #27 Giants jersey instead of a #18 Colts jersey and was no longer interested. Just kidding, she doesn’t come any more anyway because her quads or some shit are hurt. I’m not saying “Movers,” I’m saying, “Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

Wilfrid Sucks hit receiver Jay “I borrowed Adam's work ethic and may never return it” Henry for an early touchdown, and ran one in himself, making the score 25-12 with three minutes to go.

Down two scores, Spaghetti Cat knew to stay in it they had to score. Wilfrid Sucks hit newcomer David “Don’t Call Me Joanna” Douillette for a touchdown as time expired, and converted the extra point to Tyler Kennedy, who pahked the cah in Hahvahd yahd before displaying more football skills than everyone else combined times infinity.

With the Cat getting the ball back, down 25-19, the Dead Puppies knew they had to clamp down on defense. Moore, Baccari, and Priest rotated positions, and the Puppies changed their front line of Matt “I really could kick Stephanie’s ass” Walsh, Goozarooz Harding, and Bertsch to a more passive rush, keeping Wilfrid in front of them and making him beat them with his arm.

“I’ve seen Branden Mackenzie, and he ain’t no Branden Mackenzie,” said Moore while dusting off his Joey Harrington jersey. “We knew that eventually the picks would start coming.”

And did they.

The Dead Puppies ended the Cat’s next three drives with interceptions by Baccari, Bertsch, and Moore, and piled on touchdowns.

The Puppies spread the ball around in the 2nd half after focusing on Baccari in the first half. Baccari scored just once in the 2nd half, while Vilmos Csizmadia scored on three deep balls from the Padre, who also ran one in. Captain Moore added a score himself.

Spaghetti Cat threw many different looks at the Puppies on offense. Kennedy and Douillette each lined up at QB, relieving Wilfrid Sucks, who had been seen reading Boing Boing on his iPhone during plays behind center. “That shit is hilarious,” said the large, soar Viking. “These newscasters have no fucking idea why that video played. And the cat just sat there. And there’s a huge plate of spaghetti!”

At one point, Douillette lined up as QB deep in his own territory, and rolled out to the right. The hard-charging Walsh blitzed past the offensive line like mackerel past baleen and forced him out of bounds in the end zone for a safety. “All the credit goes to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, without whom none of this would be possible,” said Walsh, pointing the sky and popping his jersey.

As the game proceeded, each team dug into its playbook, showing different looks. With running plays, options, and the occasional WR-as-QB situation, everyone got in on the action, as is usually the case when Wilfrid Sucks is present. (He’s a slut, is what that means.)

Kristin Bent reeled in a number of passes in the flat and pretended it was soccer by juking her way down the field for some YAC. The Cat also spread the field looking for Wes Hosking downfield and in mid-range. The elder Douillette found her stride on defense, attacking the Padre with reckless abandon, sacking his immobile ass like it was her jobby job.

“I still love you,” she whispered as he gathered himself off the field.

The Puppies also spread the ball around, finding Gooz on a number of rollout possession receptions. “Did you know Scranton was a safe haven for slaves in Colonial America?” Gooz was seen saying to no one in particular.

When the sweat finally stopped pouring off their unconditioned bodies, the final score was 64-39, Dead Puppies exhausted and unable to drive their cars home due to soreness rejoicing in glory.

GAME 1 CANCELLED

Talking Disney princesses, sucky quarterbacks, and WISBowl III preparations with Joanna Douillette

“When I found out, I got excited and jumped up and down.”

That’s how the Bridgewater-via-Brockton native Joanna Douillette described her reaction when Matt Moore and Nick Fox appointed her co-commissioner of WISFFL, upon Fox’s defection to Maryland.

Douillette knew she was the front-runner all along, beating out a few other candidates due to her experience with the administrative work of the league. She undertook the arduous task of creating the WISFFL sweatshirts by tapping an old contact who produced high school athletic wear, communicating back and forth for weeks until the appropriate colors were delivered. She arranged for the field of WISBowl II. And she’s committed herself to the improvement of the quality of play by participating in the combine and working on developing her own skills as a pass-catcher.

“I started out as a blocker, but I’ve evolved over time,” says the part Scottish-Italian-French-Canadian-English-Native American Douillette. “Now I can catch passes, and I think my athletic ability has improved.”

Douillette attributed this in part to attending events that were all-male, such as the combine (“well, Alissa was there, but she’s pretty much a machine”), but also to this being her maiden voyage into team sports.

“In high school, I ran cross-country and track, but this feels different,” says Douillette as she doodles sketches of herself making out with Matt Cassel. “WISFFL makes you work together. This is the first serious team I’ve been on where it’s not about the individual. You have to connect with your teammates, and it doesn’t matter if I can run faster than someone if I can’t catch a pass or coordinate a block. When I was a kid, everyone got a trophy. In WISFFL, there’s only one winner. No one feels like a loser, but you aspire to win.”

Douillette is not only concerned with her own contributions – she demonstrates a keen interest in the strategy of the league, both on and off the field.

“I prefer a run-based offense,” says Douillette, the creator of famous WISFFL plays “Mermaid” and “Boxcar.” She’s known for these and other pie-in-the-sky plays – who can forget “SAP,” the play in which the terminology changes halfway through and everyone gets confused and falls over – but aspires to revamp her contributions to also be those of a useful nature.

“Nick was a great leader,” says Douillette. “Very smart. More rational than Matt, who’s pure passion. They complemented each other well. I need to work on things like making teams even, and accounting for people dropping out of games late.”

“WISBowl II was tough,” says Douillette, whose team lost handily. “In the 1st quarter, I knew the teams weren’t right. Not to take anything away from them – Branden [Mackenzie, 95-96, 8 bazillion yards, 400 touchdowns] had a breakout game. But it’s more fun for everyone if the teams are fairly even and it’s a competitive game.”

Here, Douillette pauses and recalls WISBowl I. “A gem,” she says. “It was more competitive, Davin was there, it was really a great game.”

Though Douillette looks back frequently on past seasons, she’s ready to throw herself full-boar into season 3.

“I’d love to have our own stadium with lights and a bunch of fans, and trophies and jerseys, but I have to think more realistically. I’d love to leave a legacy beyond me and Matt, a good core group of people who have a lot of fun out there.”

Season 3’s major changes include a switch back to weekend games from weekdays that were featured in the spring season, due to more consistent appearances and less tired players.

“We seemed to have an easier time getting over hangovers than rousing up energy after work.”

Further, WISBowl III is strategically scheduled. “It’s actually football season,” says Douillette. “It just feels right out there. Plus, we get to fit WISBowl III in before we have to travel for fall conferences.”

Sounds like Douillette has replaced Fox after all.

“Oh,” she says, “and I want fireworks.”

New World Order Twists Nick’s Knickers in Final Game of WISFFL Season II

By Blainette Lynorah

Uncertainty flooded the days leading up to the biggest game of the WISFFL's spring season as Co-Commissioners Nick Fox and Matt Moore searched for a permit to a local field. After a season full of sharing turf with drunk high school teams and vicious school children, they wanted to guarantee they had enough space to play the biggest game of the season - WISBOWL II.

For historical, practical, and personal reasons, the commishes wanted to hold the game at the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium. It was the field where Stephanie almost killed Eric (and vice-versa), where parades of puppies and children once gave a halftime show, and where Davin's college t shirt was ripped to bits and later tied around his head. Matteo's football was lost there, hypothermia set in there on multiple occasions, and most importantly, a small group of coworkers gathered there one stormy afternoon to play in a flag football game, just to see how it went, with no idea that it would eventually span two seasons and bring the players together in the spirit of friendship and competition.

Fox was promised the rights to the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium by the Norwood Department of Recreation, only to be told upon his and Moore's arrival there that there was made a mistake, the field was already booked, the department was sorry and the WISFFL could have a patch of dirt filled with broken glass and used heroin needles if they felt like it, instead of the field they had come to call home.

The Glorious Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium

"I'm sorry," said Cindy McUgly, head chairperson of the department. "I totally led on that Foxy guy over the phone when I told him the field was available. I knew it was booked but he has a really sweet voice and I wanted to meet him in person. I didn't realize he'd be so upset, it's just football, right?"

Police have so far been unable to connect reports of a Molotov cocktail being thrown into the department building to any member of the WISFFL, but a red car with an "Invest in Children" license plate was seen peeling out of the parking lot shortly before the blast.

And so, a fast and furious struggle to locate any playable field ensued. The WISFFL Front Office was filled with desperate phone calls, bribery attempts, and an offer to sell Gelinas's girlfriend in exchange for a field.

In a last-ditch effort, future WISFFL Co-Commissioner Joanna Douillette called the Massachusetts Department of Recreation and Conservation. After an hour on the phone during which she made the representative go through every field in the northeast and several in southern Canada, she discovered that there was a field right in Dedham that wasn't booked for the evening. It was a soccer field. It was big. It had lights and crop circles. And most importantly, it was guaranteed that Melissa Franks would never be able to find it. Papers were signed, letters were faxed, Matt Moore drove across the state, and the WISFFL had a new place to call home. It wasn't the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium, but it was a field, and when you're a flag football player, that's all you need. Plus some flags. And a football. (That's why Matteo can't play anymore, he doesn't have one).

Can you find Matteo’s football?

The initial uncertainty surrounding the game was replaced by a palpable excitement as the hours till the coin toss ticked away. Scott Priest would face a new challenger to the quarterback throne - Branden McKenzie, combine dropout and salesman extraordinaire. In his first game, McKenzie routinely threw the ball a mile and a half or more, resulting in few touchdowns but inspiring a great buzz about his arm strength.

Davin Wilfrid, a third choice for QB, was drinking beer and wearing lederhosen in some Germanic country, and was thus unable to participate in the game. He was unreachable at press time, but Mrs. Wilfrid later informed reporters that he cradled a football like a baby the entire trip and would break into tears anytime football was mentioned.

"He doesn't know that in Europe, football is actually soccer," she whispered during a phone interview. "I thought it was safest not to tell him."

Wilfrid showing his devastation at missing WISBOWL II

"I heard he sucks, anyways, so it wouldn't have made a difference if he played or not," McKenzie said, peering over the top of his Maui Jim shades. He paused, then added, "he's bigger than me, though, so don't tell him I said that."

Nick Fox’s yellow team resurrected the Twisted Nickers moniker while Matt Moore’s red team resumed the guise of the New World Order, rubbing steroid cream on each other and growing ridiculous yellow moustaches.

Everyone was excited about the return of Sean “Puppies” Edwards. Edwards had missed every single game of season two due to softball commitments, scheduling conflicts, and the excuse that his new baby, a doggie named Smithwicks, needed him at home. After nearly a week of assuring everyone he would be there, Sean backed out and broke the news to his teammates that he would be unable to play in the WISBOWL II.

“Sean’s a tough guy, I’ve seen him eat nails with milk and sugar for breakfast, and once he punched Harvey in the face just because he asked Sean to move up a brochure deadline,” Alissa Nelson, WIS marketer and lifelong athlete, said with a shrug. “But now that he got this puppy, he’s been wearing pastel colors to work and researching lullabies online. Just yesterday he offered to give George a hug! He lost his thirst for blood, that’s the real reason he’s taken himself off the roster.”

After a last minute flurry of trades to account for the loss of Sean and the unexpected addition of Tim “Nice to Meet You!” Carney, the game was set to begin.

Twisted Nickers won the coin toss and struggled from that moment on. The teams got on the line, Adam “Don’t Sell My Girlfriend” Gelinas hiked the ball, and QB Scott “Beardy” Priest searched unsuccessfully for a yellow teammate to hand or throw the ball to. After four quick downs, Twisted Nickers was forced to punt and Matt “I’m So Good I Don’t Need a Nickname, But I Have One Anyways and It’s ‘Moore Sucks’”Moore caught it and immediately ran it 90% of the way up the field. The yellow team should have just KEPT the ball and tried for the fourth down conversion and not cared about field advantage because they gave it up anyways but I’m not bitter I just need to take a DEEP BREATH.

New World Order quickly assumed dominance on the field. The guts and glory of their plays was captured on film by Laura “I Like Both Teams” Casasanto, who also doubled as timekeeper, and who’s boyfriend owns a Hedgehog.

“It’s really cute, you should come see it sometime!” She said excitedly to reporters.

Laura’s boyfriend and his hedgehog

McKenzie brought his “A+” game and threw a completion to Sean “I Like Pool Parties” Warnock, quickly putting his team up, 6-0. Twisted Nickers was again unsuccessful over the course of four downs, and in case somebody missed it the first time, McKenzie threw the ball to Warnock for a second touchdown, raising the score to 12-0 and causing Ryan Sawyer to break down into tears.

“It was just such a beautiful pass! What amazing form!” Sawyer whispered, dabbing his eyes on the sidelines. “I know Branden’s on the other team … but I must draw him!”

Nick “I Don’t Have to be Nice, I’m Moving Away!” Fox tried to inject some life into the increasingly Twisted Nickers. “LET’S DO THIS!” He and Priest chest-bumped, then drew up a quick play, not as good as Mermaid, clearly, but a cute one nonetheless. Unfortunately, these plans were once again spoiled by the hustling Moore and Adam “I’m Jiggy With It” Tokarz. Adam cut across Jay Henry’s path, effectively stopping the yellows and paving the way for a patented Moore interception, and Moore sprinted in, uncontested, for a touchdown. Shocked by this turn of events, the Nickers stood, gaping, mouths hanging open and defenseless, and were thus unable to block John “Monotone” Bertsch from getting the extra point although they could have if they wanted to.

“Let’s step this up!” Alissa “Jessica Rabbit” Nelson said to her tearful yellow teammates. “I didn’t return to the game only to have my ass handed to me on a platter! Let’s score some points!”

Alissa used a microphone to be heard better while inspiring her teammates

Her team took her words to heart. Gelinas set up to hike the ball then got into formation to help block, Jay “Knee Socks” Henry went wide right, and Alberto Benitez pawed at the ground like a bull, ready to destroy any red team member who came his way. Finding his rhythm, Priest eyed his options and ran down the field to put his team’s first points on the board, then he ran in the extra point for good measure. The Twisted Nickers finally had some points on the board, but they knew they had a long road ahead of them if they were going to overtake the Novel Earth Control.

Douillette and Nelson struggled against the stronger lineup of Stephanie “KILL” Smith and Susie “Program Guides” Harding. Both Smith and Harding had been hitting the gym for some extra workouts, as was evident by their increased speed, bulging biceps, and newfound thirst for blood.

“I can’t take it out there,” Douillette said, gasping for breath. “Steph is going to ki – NOOO! DON’T HURT ME!!” The interview was interrupted as Smith barreled her over on the sidelines and Harding dropped the People’s Elbow on her. Nelson was kicking around a soccer ball with Vilmos “Football Isn’t Enough, I Want Futbol, Too” Czismadia on the sidelines and was unable to come to her teammate’s rescue.

The yellow team continued to struggle mightily for the remainder of the game. Fox and Gelinas continued to be key players on their team, getting receptions and gaining yardage, until Fox fell onto a rock and split his knee open, and Gelinas gave up altogether and sailed his canoe around the giant puddle on the east end of the field for the remainder of the game.

The WISFFL’s new face of victory

Matt “I Can’t Eat Lunch Today” Walsh later admitted to reporters that he had that end of the field flooded as a cautionary measure prior to the game. He then fainted from the combined effects of groping Alissa and subsisting off of cereal alone for 4 days straight. Renda would be proud.

Several times during the game, it looked like the Twisted Nickers had new plans for the New World Order, with some snazzy receptions by Gelinas and Sawyer and serious yardage gained by the Foxxy Lady himself, but after Matt “Me Again!” Moore intercepted the ball during the yellow team’s first play of the second half, thoughts of defeat started creeping into their heads.

“We were like the Persians in that movie with the guy with the beard, and all the fighting, and the creepy guy on the cliffs who looks all hunchbacked,” Nick “I Hate You Guys” Fox said as he reflected on the game during the postgame conference.

“We thought we were going to win, but Matt’s Spartans really stepped up and played their hearts out the whole game. You gotta give them props, they did well.” He paused, heaved a shuddering breath, then added, “In the end, New World Order’s destruction of Twisted Nickers is reminiscent of the New World Order’s destruction of the WCW roster of ’96 and ’97. Just don’t tell Matt that I used a wrestling reference.”

The clock ran out on a 42-20 New World Order triumph over Twisted Nickers in the first ever WISFFL game played under lights. Moore was able to celebrate his second consecutive WISBOWL victory in true WISFFL style – with champagne and cigars for the victors, although he would have admittedly rather had something “else” besides tobacco in those stogies.

While the two teams high fived and the Nickers drowned their sorrows in tropical punch flavored Gatorade as consolation.

As the occasion drew to a close, Laura Casasanto declared the WISFFL’s new location the “Nick Fox Farwell Field.” Warnock piped in, suggesting it should be the “Nick Fox Memorial Stadium.” Sawyer added that maybe it should be the Foxy Colosseum, but Czismadia proclaimed it the Hungarian Horntail House of Soccer and Sex, which settled the matter. Matt Moore ceremoniously gave Fox a commemorative football, wrapped neatly in a plastic Roche Bros bag.

The ball was autographed by every person who had played in a WISFFL game during the first two seasons. Everyone except Matteo. He couldn’t figure out where the football was long enough to sign his name.


All photos courtesy of Adam Gelinas. For full album, go here: http://picasaweb.google.com/WISEvent/WISBowl2

Blog Exclusive: Bootleg Article on the First Season and History of the WISFFL

Written by Davin Wilfrid. Courtesy of Carrie-Anne Thayer.

Matt Moore darted off the line of scrimmage, cut hard to his left, vaulted over nine inches of snow, and hauled in the winning touchdown pass — just past the outstretched fingertips of Nick Fox. The catch gave Moore’s team a hard-fought victory in WISBowl I; the final game of the first-ever WIS Flag Football League (WISFFL) season.

It was appropriate that Moore and Fox figured in the final play of the season. The two editorial assistants, who share an office on the second floor (along with Laura Casasanto), are co- founders of the WISFFL.

“Nick and I got the idea one day sitting in our office in the fall. It just sort of happened while we were talking about how much fun we had playing intramurals in college. We talked to Scott Priest about it, and we knew there was some interest since Jason Renda had also talked about a league. We offered to try to start things up, and the rest is history,” says Moore.

That history includes five regular season games and WISBowl I, a gala affair that drew more than a dozen players and a cadre of fans, who contributed far more than just cheers (Stephanie Smith sang the national anthem through a megaphone, and Laura Casasanto, Kathleen Rose, Alissa Nelson, Cara Bradley, Wes Hosking, Carol Wyche, and other fans brought snacks and refreshments).

Recruiting players for the WISFFL turned out to be a relatively easy task, according to Moore.

“We started out by inviting people we knew already were interested and people who played in the softball leagues. We got about 30 responses within minutes and knew we had something big. At one point, we were afraid we might even have too many people to keep the games fun and balanced. However, it turned out that we got about 10-16 people for each game. Not only did it allow us to field competitive teams, but we got a great variety of games due to different match-ups and numbers of people on the field,” he says.

Regular WISFFL players included a wide variety from multiple departments, including Brian Geever (Data), Jason Renda (Web), Susie Harding (Conferences), Scott Priest (Editorial), Lauren Bonneau (Editorial), Joanna Douillette (Conferences), Sean Edwards (Marketing), Adam Gelinas (Data), Stephanie Smith (Conferences), Kristen Marvelle (Conferences), Vilmos Csizmadia (Web), and others. Moore and Fox say the games gave them a chance to interact with WIS employees they don’t often work with.

“Outside events like both softball leagues and the San Francisco trip were great ways to get to know some more people, especially since I just started here last summer. Now, being directly involved and communicating with people about the WISSFL has expanded upon that, and I feel I’ve gotten to know a lot more people a lot better,” says Moore.

“I also got to know the first and third floors better as the season went on, since we had several players from each. This worked out well, since I rarely have a reason to leave the sanctity of the second floor — unless of course it’s bagel day,” says Fox.

Teams were divided in the days before each game, with teams assigned either red or yellow flags. Games were played Saturday afternoons at a neighborhood park in Norwood. The season began in early November and culminated in mid-December.

WIS employees who want to get in the game won’t have to wait until next fall. Fox and Moore say they are planning a Spring league for anyone interested.

“We’ve already gotten some interest from new players and hope that it will continue to expand. There may or may not be opening ceremonies being planned involving a torch lighting marathon. I hope that the Spring League can culminate with something at least half as exciting as WISBowl I,” says Moore.