Rick Moranis Shrinks Field, Patience of WISFFL

By Slutty McGee

When Matt Walsh left the field yesterday, covered in sweat and dirt and sporting a hint of a tan for the first time in years, he checked his cell phone and saw that he had 546 missed calls and 1,029 new text messages all asking where the hell he was and when he’d be back online.

"That’s the last time I skip a WoW raid for flag football!" He said angrily. "I’ll never hear the end of this!"

The J.O.B. Squad was pleased he did – Walsh got the game’s first score and helped lead the wrestlers to a 36-24 victory over the Firing Squad.

The location of Game 5 was in flux as the athletes started to arrive in their H3s. Nick "We Are Playing This Game or I’ll Scream Like a Girl" Fox finished negotiating the contract with the field’s usurpers, and the WISFFL was relegated to play on a field 20 yards shorter than regulation in a corner of Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field.

Surrounded by co-ed softball players that couldn’t reach the outfield and a group of five year old kids that can do more push-ups than me, the game commenced.

The J.O.B. Squad won the coin toss and Matt "Bugs Bunny" Moore lined up as quarterback, moving his team down the field in two plays that culminated in a reception and consequent touchdown by Matt "I Am a Guild Leader" Walsh, and a 6-0 lead for their team.

John Bertsch debuted as quarterback for the Firing Squad, and Joanna "Mermaid" Douillette, capitalizing on the lack of Wilfrids and Priests around, began to call as many absurd plays as possible. In the play that Douillette named "Charis" but Fox says is a "hook and ladder," Bertsch passed to team captain Foxxy, who gained a few yards and lateralled it to Stephanie "I Don’t Hold People Anymore" Smith, who ran it in to wild applause for her first career touchdown.

Hook and Ladder’s Namesake

"Our defense was actually supposed to stop them, but it didn’t work out as we planned," Matt Moore said later, sipping on a frosty brew. "I had ordered 2 or 3 puppies be brought to the game to distract Stephanie, but somebody intercepted the shipment, I don’t know where they ended up."

When reports later surfaced about complaints of barking coming from Douillette’s backyard, she was unavailable for comment.

To the excitement of the fans, Jenny Wong made her WISFFL debut playing for the J.O.B. Squad.

"I was nervous about playing," she said during her first press interview, not taking off her Prada sunglasses despite being indoors. "You know, I’m about 6’4", 300 pounds, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But it all worked out for the best."

Wong was a key member of both the offense and defense for the Career Squad, seizing opportunities to grab fistfuls of flags from the other team and getting a few receptions as well.

Jennifer Wong

Her team scored on its next drive with a deep pass from Moore to Vilmos "I Am Really Freaking Fast" Czismadia. The Occupation Squad then held the Fireworks Squad to no points on their next drive, and explosions could be heard for miles away as Jeison "I Will Eat You" Ortega and Alberto "I’m New" Benitez continually faced off on the line.

Unable to get to the first down marker, Fox was forced to punt and drilled the ball to the far end of the field, where Moore promptly caught it, disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared in the end zone to make the score 18-6.

"We should have just gone for it on fourth," Fox said to his team. "Now they have another touchdown, and my foot hurts to boot. Get it? To boot?"

The Combustion Squad regained control of the ball, but quickly fell short on downs. In a last ditch effort, Bertsch lined up as QB on fourth down and with acting skills that Merryl Streep would be proud of, turned around and faked the hand-off to Ortega.

"I thought I really had it!" Ortega said after the game. "That’s why I ran for a touchdown, too!"
Bertsch then turned and threw the ball to Fox, who was deflagged steps from the end zone by Benitez, and the yellow team turned the ball over on downs.

Moore wanted to flex his muscles as a receiver again and Czismadia stepped up as quarterback for the JOBs. He shot a pass to Susie "I Touched Papelbon’s Ass" Harding, which was batted out of the air by a scrambling Douillette. Villy then regained his composure on the next play and sent the ball hurtling through the air towards Moore, who caught it to put the score at a daunting 24-6.

"Um… we should probably score, I want Smithwicks to be proud of me …" Smith said, as she snapped the ball to John "I’m Quarterback!!!!!" Bertsch. An easy pass to Fox brought in the Firing Squad’s second touchdown and marked the close of the first half.


After a record 13 second halftime, the Firing Squad regained the ball and Nick "Now I Know How Davin Feels" Fox led his team down the field with some quick passes to Smith and Ortega and a long pass to Bertsch for an easy touchdown on his first play as a receiver.


When the JOB Squad got the ball back, Moore threw the ball and Ortega tipped it right back into his hands. Moore gained a few yards on this pass to himself, aided by strong blocking by Harding and Wong and by his ability to bend his body like Gumby to avoid anybody getting close enough to his waist to grab a flag.

Moore’s peculiar waist

Benitez proved his worth as a Rookie of the Game by scoring his team’s next 12 points. Moore found him for a touchdown and Benitez later caught a perfect pass from Bellini and ran that in for a touchdown as well – the only problem was, they were on different teams.


The score was stretched to 36-18 in favor of the Profession Squad, at which time it became apparent that Davin Wilfrid sucks. Bellini resorted to desperate measures and nearly ripped all of Wong's clothes off in an effort to de-flag her.


"Please don’t be naked!" He said as he peeked through the fingers he’d held up to cover his eyes.

Jason Renda suddenly appeared at the side of the field, but left, sulking, when he saw that Wong did, in fact, still have all her clothes on.


Fox resumed his role as QB and resident tall person on the field and threw the ball to Wes "Sometimes Benny Lets Me Out" Hosking, who had miraculously recovered from the career-ending injury he suffered when he first walked onto the field.


Hosking jogged it in for an pretty touchdown and his team lined up immediately, knowing they needed to score on its next two drives, but time ran out as Moore handed the ball off to Susie "Malternatives" Harding, who was deflagged before she made it to the end zone to end the game.

"Well, it’s hard to run with a Mikes Hard [that’s what she said!!!] Iced Tea in your hands, but I did the best I could!" Harding proclaimed.


Yellow Team Captain Fox declined to comment, but this picture of him was taken shortly after the game ended. He was last seen in Mexico with Jessica Simpson.

Week 5 Photos

Special Thanks to Adam and Laura

Full Album: http://picasaweb.google.com/WISEvent/WISFFLSpring08Game4

Adam dresses his wound sustained by punching Bellini

Bellini reveals the effects of the T-Virus and his pre-game trade to Zombie Fox Apocalypse

Joanna calls the coin toss for the fifth time

Scott drops back to pass with no pressure...before throwing an interception

Scott then lines up to defend against S.T.A.R.S. wide receiver Moore

Bertsch tumbles to the ground (notice Davin laughing hysterically as play continues)

Bertsch about to say something ridiculous to Stephanie as he picks himself up

The Zombies huddle to call a play...

...as the S.T.A.R.S. team breaks their defensive huddle

McLaughlin breaks away from Ryan

Adam forces Davin out of bounds

Moore tackles a lunging Warnock

That's debatable

Bellini threatening Davin’s life after he prevented Scott’s extra point

Bertsch demands the ball in the huddle...in Japanese...

...and he gets his wish

This is just an awesome picture

You can't tell, but Vilmos is running in an uncontested touchdown

Cara attends to an exhausted Vilmos

Sweet action shot of Warnock avoiding Cara

A brunette running away from an advancing blonde (see recap)

Davin and Steph discuss strategy...

...and come out in MERMAID formation!

Cara fends off Susie, who is angry that her undefeated streak comes to an end

The Rachel Nichols All-S.T.A.R.S. pose for a post-game photograph

Creepy Sportscaster Defeats Hoards of Zombies, Scott Priest is Still Afraid

by Jill Valentine

Adam Gelinas’ pre-game blood sacrifice at the hands of Jeison Ortega did little to help his team as the Rachel Nichols All-S.T.A.R.S. defeated Zombie Fox Apocalypse in a staggering 54 – 26 victory.

"They should have known better," Matt Moore was overheard saying to Davin Wilfrid after the game, "Zombies don’t bleed!!"

Wilfrid unfortunately couldn’t hear him - he was curled in the fetal position muttering "not my brains … you can’t have my brains …"

The Zombies won the [sixth] coin toss but the team’s lucky streak was shattered immediately during the first play of the game, when a Scott Priest super-spiral to temporary captain Joanna "Nick Fox is Going to Kill Me" Douillette was intercepted by Wilfrid and promptly run in for a touchdown.

Wilfrid sealed the deal with a short pass to Matt "McQuarters is Cool" Moore for the extra point, thus commencing the All-S.T.A.R.S.’s extermination of the Zombie hoards.

The S.T.A.R.S. quickly scored again on their next possession with another surprisingly good pass from Wilfrid to Moore, bringing the score to 13-0.

"Well, Davin Wilfrid sucks, but he’s bound to get lucky once or twice," said yellow-team QB and heartthrob Scott Priest. "I can’t be the only one who looks good out here."

Hankering to give the All-S.T.A.R.S. the old one-two, Priest propelled his team on a long drive down the field, organizing them on the line and always remembering to say "please" and "thank you."

Ryan "I Can Draw" Sawyer got his first career reception and then sat down on the field to draw a picture of it. A long pass that Adam "I Have a Camera" Gelinas caught by the tips of his fingers ended in the Zombies’ first touchdown and Priest’s short pass to Sean Warnock got the yellow team back in the game, making the score 13-7.

"We just wanted to lull them into a false sense of security," John Bertsch said later as he sipped an iced tea. "They didn’t know that Davin put a homing device in the football, that’s why his passes were actually good today and we were never worried. But I won’t complain about this until next week if they’re foolish enough to put me on a different team."

At press time these rumors were unconfirmed, although during one play, Matt Walsh was spotted hiding in the bushes with a remote control.

The Rachel Nichols Constellations dominated the rest of the first half. Vilmos Csizmadia and Sean "Please Don’t Send Me to France Again" McLoughlin helped their team with short passes and good blocking skillz, and Wilfrid and Moore each padded their stats with another touchdown apiece.

"Yeah, it was a good game," said Csizmadia. "Everytime Davin wanted to throw it to Bertsch, I had to be on my toes because I know that’s code for him throwing it to me."

During one (un)memorable play, every single red team member lined up to the right. When the yellow team said "Aha! We’ve got you now!" and rushed in, Wilfrid took advantage of their gullibility and ran in the other direction, shouting "THIS PLAY IS CALLED DESK CHAIR!"

Douillette was later heard saying "That play name sucks."

The teams’ fans dwindled away as Laura Casasanto, Scott Glazer, and Jenny Wong left the athletes high and dry, apparently disappointed in the lack of cute puppies and babies crossing the field. Moore assumed time-keeper responsibilities as the Dead Fox Team made a last bid for points before half-time.

Priest found Gelinas in the end zone for an easy touchdown, then attempted to run in the ball himself for the extra point. Even though 13 eyewitnesses and a cat that was walking by all claimed he broke the plane, it was ruled that the red team’s sucky QB deflagged him just in time to prevent the score.

After halftime, the Zombies quickly scored again with a third pass to Gelinas and a successful extra point, bringing the score to a respectable 26-20.

The excitement was short-lived as the Zombies’ apocalypse became more like a party where nobody remembered to bring beer.

Wilfrid threw a long, hard, deep (that’s what she said) pass to Matt "TNA Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means" Moore, which bounced off Priest’s hands, Moore’s head, the playground slide, and my car, only to land back in Moore’s hands. Then Bertsch decided to join the game and got a two-point conversion.

The Zombies did everything they could to get back into the game, including a lot of short runs and quick passes that fell just shy of the first yard lines, and a short pass to Douillette that led to a long, seemingly unstoppable run until Moore grabbed both her flags and brought the play to a crashing halt a few yards away from a touchdown.

The Davin-to-Moore connection, much like the connection between Harry Potter and You-Know-Who, was powerful, almost as if they could read each others minds... Even Sean "I Need a Scrunchie" Warnock’s 17.5 sacks, Sawyer’s tough blocks, and Bellini’s repeated standoffs with Cara Bradley did little to slow the pace of the red team’s offense.

"What did you expect?" Stephanie Smith asked after the game. "Zombies are dead. And foxes can’t carry footballs, their jaws are too small. That team didn’t stand a chance."

Her team went on to score 22 unanswered points, including a play where the Reanimated Bodies’ snap went over Padre’s head. He fell on the ball, then Wilfrid, Bertsch, McLoughlin, Benny, and Brad Pitt fell on him, too. He was ruled down in the opposing team’s end zone and the Rachel Nichols Flaming Balls of Gas in the Sky got a two point conversion.

A highlight of the game was the "Blondes vs. Brunettes" matchup among the girls. Stephanie "Not the Porn Star One, the Other One" Smith and Cara "If You Mess With Me I’ll Put You On Bus Duty" Bradley repeatedly lined up against Joanna "They’ll Never Let Me Be Captain Again" Douillette and Susie "I’m Bigger Than You" Harding.

In the end the blondes prevailed with at least one reception each, cute outfits, and major sex appeal, proving unequivocally that they do, in fact, have more fun.

As the game drew to a close, the All-S.T.A.R.S. found themselves with a considerable point lead and decided to try a couple of hair-brained schemes to break the game open beyond all repair. To add insult to injury, they resorted to Douillette’s patented Mermaid and Boxcar plays, plays that Douillette’s own team had been rejecting throughout the game.

Scott "Why the Hell Not" Priest offered up his coveted QB position to anybody who wanted it. "Davin sucks so much, I just can’t take it," he said.

"That’s what she said," Gelinas whispered. Then he left to build a canoe. He was last seen sailing down the Mississippi.

Warnock stepped up and had an admirable debut as QB and NEW team dreamboat. He scanned the field to find passing options, but gave up when he saw McLoughlin was covering everybody at once. Instead, Warnock ran for over 20 yards to make what would be the last touchdown of the game.

The sun set on a 54-26 victory for Rachel Nichol’s Evil Twin, effectively snapping Susie’s never-lost-a-game streak, although I have been informed by several sources that Renda said he’s here for her if she wants to "talk."

WISFFL Wire #2

- Just as ground was being broken at a potential third field of play for the WISFFL last week, a team of girls' lacrosse players showed up to the ruin everything. After about 15 inquires answered by silent nods, WISFFL officials were able to determine that a practice was indeed being held. Thank God Jason Renda was not present.

- Defensive specialist Cara Bradley made her long-awaited debut last week. In fact, her presence on the field was so feared by opposing captain Matt Moore, that Moore brought in ringer Jeison Ortega to make his unannounced debut to shut down Bradley. Scouts are calling Ortega the most dominant line player they have ever seen.

- Meanwhile, scouts have dropped all interest in Sean Edwards after he failed to garner any attention in last weekend's NFL draft--not even the Washington Redskins. It is reported that Edwards was so upset that he could not make an appearance on the field during Week 3. He was last seen cavorting with Paulette Dean Daly.

- WISFFL leader in first-downs-repealed-by-penalty Matt Walsh has yet to make his WISFFL Season 2 debut. He has claimed that he has been working on his new apartment at home, and then made a statement he would be attending the Admin conference this week in Boston. However, reports out of England suggest the contrary, as Walsh is rumored to be wreaking havoc across the country dressed as a broke-ass Darth Vader.

- The WISFFL is prepared to sue quarterback Scott Priest if he attempts to breach his contract and interview for the head coaching position of the Dallas Mavericks. Several other WISFFL players were concerned yesterday as Priest was allegedly seen driving with an empty bottle of Grey Goose and and AK-47 while screaming about driving to New Jersey to find Maurice Ager.


Haiku
As requested by Laura
Nick Fox ditched his fans
Drunk in the Dominican
I can't write in verse


Week 4 INJURY REPORT
Las updated Thursday, May 1 at 7:30 p.m.

Out
Nick Fox

Questionable
Brandon MacKenzie (quad)
Sean Warnock (knees)

Probable
Alissa Nelson (Thumb)

Fox, expecting call from Hall of Fame any day now, leads Flock of Seagulls to victory

def.

Nick "The Artist Formerly Known as Stonehands" Fox pulled in three touchdown receptions to lead Flock of Seagulls to a 28-18 victory over Raven's Flock Wednesday evening in Norwood.

Following an embarrassing beatdown the previous week, Fox teamed up with Father Scott Priest for three scores and a handful of other catches on a day known for its defense over offense.

The game, after a half-hour delay to allow Vilmos "The Hungarian Stare-ian" Csizmadia to ogle a junior high girls' lacross practice, started out with Matt Moore's Raven's Flock (RF) receiving the ball. After a series of completed passes, Davin Wilfrid Sucks threw an interception to Branden "Taking it deep" Mackenzie, to open the door for Flock of Seagulls (FOS).

QB Father Scott Priest opened the drive with a screen pass to Fox, who did his best Joanna Douillette impression and took it the length of the field for the game's first score. Hating to be compared to Douillette, Fox mauled a nearby dog and graffiti'd the field's signage.

Another interception, this time by Christian "Matteo without the goofy smile" Zuniga, put FOS in good field position. The Padre hit Sean "Deion Sanders without the bling" Warnock for a TD to go up two scores, and completed the two-point conversion to put the score to 14-0.

RF temporarily solved FOS's typically lockdown defense by scoring on a deep pass to Jay "Clubhouse Cancer" Henry with a few minutes to go before halftime. Looking to get the score back, the Padre put on his proverbial Drew Bledsoe jersey and promptly threw a ball into quintuple coverage, which Matt Moore came away with and returned for the score. A FOS stop kept the score at 14-12.

After a 12 nanosecond halftime, FOS returned to the field without Mackenzie, who took it a little too deep and injured his groin, but was replaced by Cara Bradley, who spent the entire second half physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally abusing Jeison Bellini Ortega.

Priest forgot that he still had that goddamn Bledsoe jersey on and failed again, this time being sacked and failing to get a 1-yard completion on 4th down. Jay "I'll make Ryan Leaf's postgame interviews look like a chat with Barbara Walters" Henry, Wilfrid Sucks, and Moore were confusing the bejesus out of Priest on defense and he didn't appreciate it much at all.

The short field and a positively D'Brickashaw Ferguson-like o-line performance by Bellini allowed Wilfrid Sucks to find Nelly Nelson for a great catch over the middle, setting up a Wilfrid Sucks scamper for the touchdown. A failed conversion attempt found RF up 18-14, but a quick drive ending in another Fox touchdown (we're as surprised as you, dear reader) put FOS back in front at 20-18.

Matt's flock would not be denied, however, and still felt momentum on their side and other such athletic cliches.

Though physically spent and without a substitute due to Mackenzie's groinal ouchies, FOS locked down on the RF attack, with Warnock, Zuniga, and Csizmadia teaming up for a consistent pass rush. Wilfrid Sucks attempted on several occasions to connect with the typically dynamic Moore, but failed on account of miscommunication and the Padre being draped on him like a stubbly 19-year old frat boy on Miley Cyrus. Gross. Wilfrid Sucks worked his way around this by connecting with John Bertsch, whose baby blue t-shirt was absolutely stunning, on short passes, and advancing the ball with quarterback rushes.

RF got the ball into the red zone, but on 4th and goal Wilfrid Sucks forced the ball to Moore and Priest stepped in front for the pick. With the sun going down like [edited for mature content], FOS collected themselves and looked for the insurance score. With under two minutes on the clock, Padre rolled out to the right, evaded a charging Wilfrid Sucks and spun around Bellini, finding Fox one stride ahead of Jay "I make Carl Everett look like Kevin Millar" Henry over the middle. Fox took it to the house and Priest ran in the 2-point conversion to put the lead out of reach.

When reached for comment, Moore dug up a gas line under the field, lit it on fire, and then inhaled exhaust fumes in his garage for 3 hours.

Fox was so pleased with his Jerry Rice impression that he enrolled in Dancing with the Stars.

Wilfrid Sucks, who threw more interceptions (4) than completions to his star receiver Moore (negative-8), found solice in his iPhone. "She just knows when I need her," sobbed the Norwegian zombie slayer.

WISFFL Wire #1

Welcome to the first ever weekly WISFFL Wire, a feature that will (hopefully) be updated every Friday with news, rumors, dirt, and lies. And maybe some extra cool add-ins along the way...

- Warnock, Adam, Jay Henry, and Branden MacKenzie all made their long-awaited debuts this past Wednesday in the second game of the spring season. While Henry was brand new to the roster this season, the others had previously been held back by skiing (Warnock), hangovers (MacKenzie), and a wealth of excuses disguising overall apathy (Adam).

All four players impressed on the field, including a long distance touchdown pass from Henry to MacKenzie, and two ridiculous sacks by a sneaky and blindingly quick Warnock. Adam was said to have stunned the members of Rescue! 911 when he decided to hustle a few times when he got the ball.


- Two more WISFFL players plan to make their debuts next week. Alissa Nelson will be reinstated from the Injured Reserve after realizing how much more exciting it can be to play rather than watch from the sidelines. Cara Bradley will also be making her first appearance as a player following her stint as the first ever WISFFL referee at WISBowl I Powered by SAP NetWeaver. This will be the first time a conference coordinator will suit up to play.

- Quarterback Davin Wilfrid has yet to step onto the field this season. He has been to the doctors to be examined a few times following the beating he took at the hand of Joanna Douillette and Stephanie Smith during the WISBowl. A recent analysis of Wilfrid's brain can be seen here. Not surprising, there appears to be no room for "quarterback decision-making skills" in his brain.

- There are rumblings that the WISFFL will be instituting open hunting season for poachers at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium in order to take care of the recent dog infestation problems.

- Following his appearance at the TNA Lockdown pay-per-view last Sunday, WISFFL co-chairman Matt Moore is hoping to sign a deal with the company to appear in a way similar to Pacman Jones last year. When contacted about this news, TNA Wrestling president Dixie Carter said, "Who?"

- On the sidelines during Wednesday's game, Sean Edwards held an impromptu interview session to declare his eligibility for next weekend's NFL Draft. He was forced to address concerns after recently losing to Alissa in his 40-yard dash race with her at the WISFFL combine. In addition, there have been reports of Edwards engaging in a bar fight at The Four's with Montreal Canadiens fans following game four of the Habs' series with the Boston Bruins.

- It appears that rumors of an over-35 team forming were grossly exaggerated. Fans don't know whether to upset that the showdown will not happen or whether to be happy that they won't have to see every high-level manager at WIS go down with an injury.

- There are, however, reports are swirling about a battle of the sexes match-up pitting a select group of female WIS employees taking on a group of male employees. Potential captain of the men's team Matt Moore is confident that the girls would be shut out and even listed his probably starting lineups for possible women's captain Joanna. This was followed by approximately two minutes of football strategy among the girls and then 30 minutes of discussion of t-shirt designs.

Week 2 Photos

Pictures taken by Laura Casasanto

Full album available upon request

Game recap follows below the pictures

Rescue! 911 lines up to defend against America's Most Wanted for the first full game of the Spring Season

Cowboy James Storm Matt Moore hauls in a touchdown pass

Rescue! 911 huddles up to discuss strategy


Bicycle parade 1 of 7 interrupts the game


Branden MacKenzie heaves a pass downfield

America's Most Wanted finds a squatting huddle to be most effective

Jason Renda and Sean Warnock frolic together at the jungle gym

Alissa Nelson and Cara Bradley show up in their funeral best to cheer on both teams

Picture of the Week: Stephanie Smith blitzes an unsuspecting Scott Priest

Scott Priest makes a touchdown saving flag grab on Sean Edwards

Sean Edwards dances through the AMW secondary

A scrambling Jay Henry can't evade Joanna Douillette at the 10-yard line

Adam smirks at Edwards' futile flag grab attempt