Joanna Douillette’s debut as WISFFL captain was spoiled by Matt Moore’s tastefully named Dead Puppies, who defeated Spaghetti Cat 64-39 at Vilmos Csizmadia Soccer Emporium Saturday.
The Puppies took a first-half lead on the strength of their widely renowned Chaos Theory offense, in which Father Scott Priest Holmes just kind of heaves the ball wherever he damn well pleases and Moore runs around like a wildebeest on acid.
Credit also goes to no. 2 wideout Steve Baccari, who earned game MVP honors with four touchdowns and a solid defensive showing, alternately shutting down Spaghetti Cat’s top receivers. With Spaghetti Cat’s defensive attention placed solely on Moore tenacious quadriceps, Baccari was able to find open space and collect passes from the Padre, who is better looking than Matt Cassel and gives off a warm pumpkin-y aroma.
Baccari scored three first-half touchdowns to go along with John Bertsch’s 1, plus a Bertsch extra point, which was successfully converted on the Puppies fourth straight attempt at the exact same goal line play. According to Laura Casasanto’s official score book, Baccari found himself making plays on defense as well, as she states, “1st half INTs: Steve, maybe more.”
Spaghetti Cat was close throughout the first half, behind the laser rocket arm of Davin Wilfrid Sucks. Alissa Nelson came running at the description of said arm, but found a #27 Giants jersey instead of a #18 Colts jersey and was no longer interested. Just kidding, she doesn’t come any more anyway because her quads or some shit are hurt. I’m not saying “Movers,” I’m saying, “Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”
Wilfrid Sucks hit receiver Jay “I borrowed Adam's work ethic and may never return it” Henry for an early touchdown, and ran one in himself, making the score 25-12 with three minutes to go.
Down two scores, Spaghetti Cat knew to stay in it they had to score. Wilfrid Sucks hit newcomer David “Don’t Call Me Joanna” Douillette for a touchdown as time expired, and converted the extra point to Tyler Kennedy, who pahked the cah in Hahvahd yahd before displaying more football skills than everyone else combined times infinity.
With the Cat getting the ball back, down 25-19, the Dead Puppies knew they had to clamp down on defense. Moore, Baccari, and Priest rotated positions, and the Puppies changed their front line of Matt “I really could kick Stephanie’s ass” Walsh, Goozarooz Harding, and Bertsch to a more passive rush, keeping Wilfrid in front of them and making him beat them with his arm.
“I’ve seen Branden Mackenzie, and he ain’t no Branden Mackenzie,” said Moore while dusting off his Joey Harrington jersey. “We knew that eventually the picks would start coming.”
And did they.
The Dead Puppies ended the Cat’s next three drives with interceptions by Baccari, Bertsch, and Moore, and piled on touchdowns.
The Puppies spread the ball around in the 2nd half after focusing on Baccari in the first half. Baccari scored just once in the 2nd half, while Vilmos Csizmadia scored on three deep balls from the Padre, who also ran one in. Captain Moore added a score himself.
Spaghetti Cat threw many different looks at the Puppies on offense. Kennedy and Douillette each lined up at QB, relieving Wilfrid Sucks, who had been seen reading Boing Boing on his iPhone during plays behind center. “That shit is hilarious,” said the large, soar Viking. “These newscasters have no fucking idea why that video played. And the cat just sat there. And there’s a huge plate of spaghetti!”
At one point, Douillette lined up as QB deep in his own territory, and rolled out to the right. The hard-charging Walsh blitzed past the offensive line like mackerel past baleen and forced him out of bounds in the end zone for a safety. “All the credit goes to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, without whom none of this would be possible,” said Walsh, pointing the sky and popping his jersey.
As the game proceeded, each team dug into its playbook, showing different looks. With running plays, options, and the occasional WR-as-QB situation, everyone got in on the action, as is usually the case when Wilfrid Sucks is present. (He’s a slut, is what that means.)
Kristin Bent reeled in a number of passes in the flat and pretended it was soccer by juking her way down the field for some YAC. The Cat also spread the field looking for Wes Hosking downfield and in mid-range. The elder Douillette found her stride on defense, attacking the Padre with reckless abandon, sacking his immobile ass like it was her jobby job.
“I still love you,” she whispered as he gathered himself off the field.
The Puppies also spread the ball around, finding Gooz on a number of rollout possession receptions. “Did you know Scranton was a safe haven for slaves in Colonial America?” Gooz was seen saying to no one in particular.
When the sweat finally stopped pouring off their unconditioned bodies, the final score was 64-39, Dead Puppies
1 comment:
This makes me sad. Not because Matt Moore keeps winning games (don't put him with Scott!), but because I'm not there to curse him in person.
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