Matt Moore began the WISFFL season as the most cherished cherub of Father Scott Priest's ecclesiastical worldview -- the benevolent prince of light who pooped gumdrops and healed athlete's foot with only a glance from his benighted eyes.
Then came the fall.
Moore was cast from Priest's Garden of Eden shortly before Saturday's game at Lauducci Memorial ACL Stadium -- for reasons that have more to do with oblation than abjuration. On Saturday, he responded by leading The Heretics -- Hell's own army -- to a 38 - 18 victory against Priest's brigade of do-gooders Holier Than Thou.
"I always thought his taste for death metal and disturbing Korean horror films was ironic, or for show," said a dejected Priest after the game. "Now I guess we all realize that kid is pure evil. Early in the game, I wet myself in fear. Oops. I just did it again."
Satan said dance: Here, Lucifer cheers on his colleague and fellow renunciator Matt Moore
The scoring started immediately as Heretic QB Dastard Wilfrid took the opening snap, faked a pass to the right, and launched a deep ball down the left sideline which was scooped up by a streaking Moore, who had a step on Kyle "Sunshine" Breidenstine. Moore scampered the rest of the way to give the Heretics a 6-0 lead. Joanna Douillette calls this play "Werewolf."
Moore scored again on the first Holier Than Thou possession after picking off an errant Priest pass and returning it for another score. The Heretics would make it 18-0 soon, as a Kevin (for lack of a better last name at our disposal) Douillette interception and a long run by Joanna Douillette paved the way for a short TD run by Wilfrid.Priest would muster the forces of good after that early run of misfortune, taking advantage of the short-pass receiving abilities of Brian Geever and Kristen Marvelle, and Breidenstine's soft hands out of the backfield. Two quick TD strikes (including one after a slick Geever interception) brought Holier Than Thou within striking distance at 18-12.
The Heretics would score once more before halftime with some nifty play design, as center Kevin Douillette sprinted down the middle of the field after the snap while Joanna Douillette and Moore held their defenders shallow with post routes. Wilfrid hit Kevin Douillette just behind the secondary for another long passing TD.
The WISFFL lost its only fan at halftime as Laura Casasanto finally called it quits in the deep freeze and high winds. Earlier in the game, Casasanto was forced to crawl into her dead taun-taun for warmth as the Rebel patrol continued its search for her.
The second half was more of the same, as The Heretics outscored Holier Than Thou 14 - 6. Moore scored on a long interception return and on a short crossing route reception and long dash to the end zone.
For Holier Than Thou, Scott Priest used his individually articulated butt cheeks to avoid multiple tackles on a succession of long runs. Heretic defenders would find themselves clutching naught but air, ass, or grass after lunging for Priest's flags -- which darted out of the way, seemingly at Priest's command.
A medical diagram of Scott Priest's butt cheeks indicating his ability to move them strategically to keep his flags out of the hands of Heretic defenders.
The Heretics tacked on two two-point conversions and a last-minute defensive stop, despite the intimidating ferocity of lineman-turned-receiver Lauren Bonneau, whose animal roar could be heard two towns away. Matt Walsh scampered with the ball as the clock expired.
After the game, Moore offered to reconcile with Priest but was met with only a blank stare. "The kingdom of Holier Than Thou is a sanctified place and cannot be tainted by those who use their power for evil."
"You just said taint. Hah! Ass." Moore responded.
No comments:
Post a Comment