WISBOWL III DRAFT

Mike Patrick: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and greetings from the picnic tables outside of the WIS kitchen. I’m Mike Patrick back to host the WISBowl III Draft. It’s a pleasure to be back with you. The doctors recommended I take a break following the WISBowl I draft for mental health reasons, and I think it was a great decision. But now I’m back and ready to go.
This looks to be another exciting draft day as team captains Matt Moore of Levin’s Bad Guys and Joanna Douillette of Zomer’s Zombies are here to make their selections. I’ll be joined today on commentary by my colleagues Paul Maguire and Scott Priest. Unfortunately, Steven A. Smith could not return, and Erin Andrews is…well…dead. However, we should be able to avoid any repeats of last year’s draft since we have relocated from Washington Street and the dreaded P3. I’d like to turn it over to Paul for a quick—Paul? Paul where’d you go?

Paul Maguire: Up here Mike!

Maguire is seen being lifted above the picnic table area on a crane.

Maguire: You see Mike I’ve grown so used to being suspended above the field for college football games that it’s become an addiction. I can no longer broadcast from ground level. Last time that happened, I dotted the wrong side of the “I” in Ohio!

Patrick (takes a swig from a flask): Here we go again. Well, let me introduce our two team captains and take a look at today’s draft board. Matt and Joanna, welcome.

Matt Moore (with just a polo shirt on outside): Thanks Mike. Damn, it’s kinda warm out here. Any way we can get a fan out here?

Patrick: No.

There is a banging on the windows about them. The camera pans up to a sneering Susie Harding.

Harding (muffled behind the glass): [Inaudible drivel]…now YOU must suffer!

Moore: Ah well, I guess I’ll live. So I’d like you know I didn’t bring any Natural Ice with me this year.

Patrick: Oh! That’s good to hear. So no more drafting diminutive reality stars?

Moore: Well, I can’t guarantee anything. Actually, in full disclosure, I have to admit I’m not totally substance-free this year. You see, Alyssa Walsh hooked me up with—

Patrick: OK, we going to try and avoid any arrests today. Why don’t you just tell us what your strategy is today, how you plan to replicate your past WISBowl success, and who your draft representative will be.

Moore: Well, Mike, I don’t have any real strategy. I’ll probably start by drafting myself since I’m the best player on the board and am 2-0 in past WISBowls. Therefore, my team will have nothing to worry about. Once again, I’m rolling with a full draft committee. I had to regroup this year since the squad that represented Moore Money Moore Problems all managed to secure contracts this season. Therefore, I had to search outside of sports. With the taping of Rock of Love Charm School coming to an end, the girls needed something to do, so I managed to secure Brandi M., Destiney, and Kristy Joe. My honorary first pick announcer will Sara Leigh Murphy.

Patrick: Sounds like a plan. Jo—

Moore: Just kidding man. You said you didn’t want anyone getting drunk today. Raymond, the Rays’ mascot will be announcing my picks.

Patrick: Please stop talking. Joanna, how are you?

Joanna is sipping a vodka martini, clearly disappointed that Murphy will not be there to drink with.

Joanna Douillette: I’m doing great; I’m so excited to be here for my first experience as captain of a WISBowl team. I’m 1-1 for Bowl games, and I feel like I have a lot to prove this year. I was hoping we’d get a venue in Disney for the game, but Matt is too upset to go anywhere near Tampa Bay right now—he burst into tears when I mentioned it—but it’s always a pleasure to play at the Nick Fox Farewell Field. My strategy for this draft is to go for players with real intelligence on the field, ones who know the game and have a real thirst for competition and aren’t afraid to get dirty. Because he was so interested in the league this year, and he’s really hot, my husband Tom Brady is going to be announcing the first pick.

Patrick: Thank you, and good luck to you both. Now let’s turn to out resident analyst, Scott Priest. Scott, what can we expect to see today?

A group of high school girls at the end of the parking lot clutch at each other and shriek with excitement as Priest begins to speak.

Priest: The biggest story tonight will be to see where the quarterbacks go. For the first time in league history, three legitimate quarterback options are available. Who bites first? How quickly does the other respond? Will my draft stock be lowered after an abysmal WISBowl II? Beyond that – how will the captains evaluate new talent that they haven’t seen, namely Jermaine, Nick, and Jenny Beaumont Wilfrid. What about the stocks of breakout players Vilmos Csizmadia and Adam Gelinas? All kinds of storylines, and the players in the green room are itching to join their new teams and form life-long alliances. Not to mention, I need to know whose house to egg later tonight.

Patrick: Thanks, Scott. Well then, we’re about to begin. Laura Casasanto, who will be unfortunately absent from her familiar spot on the field as time and scorekeeper Saturday has graciously agreed to man the draft clock for us. And Matt, due to your victory in the only game played this season, you again have the first pick. You’re on the clock.

Douillette: That game didn’t count.

Moore ignores her.

Moore: Yeah, I’m done.

Patrick: OK, wasting no time. Let’s listen in for the official announcement.

Raymond enters the kitchen and steps up to a microphone. After looking quizzically at the notecard with the name, then at the microphone, Raymond shrugs his shoulders, drops the name, and begins to wiggle his belly for the camera. Suddenly a producer appears and hands Raymond a pink slip, inexplicably firing the friendly mascot.

Sean Edwards, who was in the kitchen to get some coffee, witnesses what happens.

Edwards: Hmm, that reminds me of when the Patriots fired Maurice Hurst. Anyone?

Brandi M. walks in as the new representative to announce the picks for Levin’s Bad Guys.

Brandi M.: With the first overall pick in the WISBowl III draft, Levin’s Bad Guys select Matt Moore!

She winks in the direction of Moore.

Moore: Damn straight motherfucker. I’m number one in this bitch.

Douillette: Grow up, you’re like number 19.

Patrick: Uh, Matt you’re automatically on the team.

Moore: Listen Mike, I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Bask in the glory of this pick.

Patrick: No. Luckily, you haven’t yet run out of time, please pick again.

Moore: No way, I’m the first overall pick. Fine, let’s call this a sandwich pick since I don’t know what that means. Brandi?

Brandi M.: With pick 1a of the WISBowl III draft, Levin’s Bad Guys select Vilmos Cz- Si- Siz-. I can’t read this. It's harder than the duchess' name.

Moore: Yup, the Hungarian Barbarian, Vilmos! Even though I beat him in a race across a pool while holding two cans of beer, he’s the most worthy out of any of these people to join my team.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who’s got speed and always find a way to get open, Vilmos is your man. BAM!

Patrick: Thanks for the insight, Paul. Let’s go to Scott for some more.

Priest: Vilmos is probably the player who most saw his stock rise in the lone fall league game this season. Csizmadia hauled in a couple of late touchdowns, proving himself to be a reliable deep threat. Perhaps a little high at first overall, but matched with Matt's speed, Levin's Bad Guys now possess the ability to stretch the field and challenge Zomer's Zombies safeties. Of course, to capitalize, they'll have to shore up the offensive line and get a quarterback with a strong arm in later rounds.

Patrick: Alright, and with that, Zomer’s Zombies are on the clock.

Tom Brady walks to the podium. His teeth are impossibly white, and his smile dazzles the crowd, which for a second can’t remember why it’s there.

Brady: With the second overall pick in the 2008 WISBowl III Draft, Zomer’s Zombies select Stephanie Smith.

He returns to the bench and holds Joanna’s hand.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a girl who can change a game by dominating the line, Stephanie is it. BAM!

Douillette: The reasons behind this choice were simple. Smith is ferocious on the field – I still have bruises from when I lined up against her three months ago. She pushes the limits of fair play without getting penalty calls, and her recent spate of touchdowns has the fans hungry for more (and her opponents crying out in fear). She’s been practicing Irish Step Dancing to improve her footwork and I expect her to evade tackles left and right. We need her on offense and defense and are expecting great things from her this game. With or without a hangover, she’s a force to be reckoned with.

Priest: Joanna knows that the game is won in the trenches, so she goes after the premier offensive and defensive lineperson in WISFFL. Unmatched raw power and emotion, and the pipes to match. Plus they can giggle and talk about puppies and shit.

Douillette: Steph, I love your shirt!

Smith: Thanks, on sale at Ann Taylor Loft!

She takes a seat next to Joanna.

Patrick: Well, the first round is over without any major incidents, thank god. Levin’s Bad Guys are on the clock for their second pick and—what’s this? Apparently we’re being joined by Adam.

Adam picks up a headset.

Adam: Greetings Mr. Patrick. Unable to join a mantourage with the departures of former WISFFL great Kyle Bredenstine and WISFFL goof Matteo Gulla, I have lost my sense of purpose. I’ve spent my days listening to Bayside and writing letters to the WISFFL front office.

Patrick: Well that’s good to hear. Are you planning to appear in WISBowl III this Saturday at 12:30?

Adam: …

Patrick: Adam?

Adam: …

Moore: Don’t worry, we’re used to this Mike. Adam, you gonna play? (eom)

Adam: When is it and what time?

Moore: As we’ve said before, Saturday at 12:30.

Adam: Oh no. I’d really love to come out and play, but I can’t make it. It’s been lovely spending this time with you all. You’re all magical angels. Stay beautiful.

He leaves.

Patrick: Well that was interesting. Matt, do you have a pick?

Moore: Yessir. With the third pick in the WISBowl III draft, Levin’s bad guys choose Jennifer Beaumont Wilfrid. We have four mutual friends on Facebook.

Patrick: I’m sure you do. I have to say I’m shocked. Do you even know her?

Moore: In what sense?

Patrick: Um…have you ever met her?

Moore: Yeah, San Francisco maybe. Probably at a Christmas party or something.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a woman who’s unscoutable due to never playing before and can tip the balance in Levin’s Bad Guys’ favor, Jen is it. BAM!

Patrick: Uh…well. Scott can you explain what Levin’s Bad Guys can expect from Jen?

Priest: A real surprise here, as Moore eschews his biggest need (a strong-armed QB), going for a major question mark, albeit one with major upside and a pleasing demeanor. Jenny Beaumont Wilfrid also has the benefit of not being her husband, Davin Wilfrid.

Patrick: OK, Joanna, you’re up.

Douillette: Zomer’s Zombies select MattburgerWeaver Walsh!

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a kid who’s constantly overlooked and is sneaky off the line, Matt is your man. BAM!

Douillette: This was an easy choice for my team. Walsh has the highest pain-tolerance of anyone I know. He is the reigning Snapping-Elastic-Bands-Against-Bare-Skin champion. He’s a superb blocker and helps give the quarterback extra time in the pocket. He’s skilled offensively, as well - during the first and only regular season game this year, he got a safety off the quarterback and is thirsty for more. He actually got the word “Safety” tattooed under his Welsh dragon tattoo, above his World of Warcraft tattoo. We’re hoping his hours upon hours of playing WoW have sharpened his concentration skills and left him bloodthirsty for competition.

Moore: I remember that safety. Your brother is terrible.

Douillette: I’ll kick your ass, Matt Moore. The Rays SUCK and wrestling and Santa Claus aren’t real.

She glares at him threateningly; apparently the martini is kicking in.

Priest: Joanna is stacking up the line now, which should be no surprise if anyone has ever seen her run "Mermaid". Walsh was underutilized in the fall game due to a negligent quarterback. The advantage is that Moore will be unable to properly game plan for him, as his scouting report is quite blank. Sets up an unparalleled level of pale on the o-line, and allegedly has a hot sister.

Patrick: And now we swing it back to you Matt. What do you have in store for your next pick?

Moore: Let me ask you something Mike. You watch TNA?

Patrick: Excuse me?

Moore: You know, wrestling. X Division. Samoa Joe. Six-sided ring. Jeff Jarrett.

Patrick: I think I liked you better when you weren’t coherent.

Moore: Well, they’re gonna open the briefcases from the Feast or Fired match tonight. I’m hoping Curry Man gets fired and Christopher Daniels comes back.

Patrick: OK.

Moore: You know what his nickname is, Mike?

Patrick: Enlighten us.

Moore: The Fallen Angel. Hah, just like me. Now check this segue.

Kristy Joe walks out to the picnic table and hands Matt a briefcase containing his next pick. Everyone tries to peek inside as she opens it slowly. The name on the inside says LAUREN BONNEAU.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a woman who is ferocious off the line, Lauren is it. BAM!

Patrick: Wow, two girls already Matt?

Moore: Let me remind you that I selected a dude and two girls with my first three picks for WISBowl I, Mike. We all saw how that turned out. Now I like Lauren’s passion. But never go up against her in Beirut. She makes up rules and ruins the game. Ridiculous.

Priest: I have to say, Moore's team-building is coming into question at this point. Lauren's like 3'8". Steph Smith will eat her alive. On the plus side, Lauren is tenacious and hateful and might literally eat someone alive. And she can run and catch and stuff.

Patrick: A great set of skills to have, indeed. Joanna, you’re next selection?

Brady: She chooses Jermaine Curtis.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy whose abilities better live up to his pre-game talk, it’s Jermaine. BAM!

Douillette: This might be the most exciting pick of the game for Zomer’s Zombies. Curtis is a newcomer to the league and his debut will be WISBowl III. I picked him because, quite frankly, he’s hilarious, and we’re hoping his football skills can match up with – or exceed - what his mouth is saying. He looks athletic, and let’s face it, the kid’s got style. I am hoping he’ll be the Randy Moss to our quarterback’s Tom Brady, pre-knee surgery, of course.

She pats Brady’s shoulder as he looks dejected.

Priest: A coup in the third round. Baby T.O. has been spouting self-praise, though no one has seen him on the field. Has nice scarves. Is relatively tall. Will he suffer from Adam disease, or will he rise to the challenge and give effort? Expect the Zombies to test him early to see what he's made of. It will be interesting to see how Joanna builds the receiving corps around Jermaine, who steps in as the number 1 deep threat. And will Matt Moore counter with nemesis Steve Baccari?

Moore: Nope, next I pick Nick.

Patrick: Fox?

Moore: Weidman.

Douillette: I miss Nick Fox.

Smith: Nick Fox is here?

Douillette: No, it’s a different Nick.

Smith: There are two?

Douillette: Yup, the other one jumped off the train with us.

Smith: Oh. Nick Fox is getting married.

Every girl in a 4 mile radius: Awwww!

Patrick: I have to ask again, do you know him?

Moore: Met the guy once coming off the train. He also spoke of implementing the Wildcat offense. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy that loves the game of flag football, it’s Nick. Are you kidding me? BAM!

Priest: Moore adds another speedy threat, hoping to recreate the Greatest Show on Turf. That could be a problem when we play in mud, but the effort is interesting. The only other former track star we've played with has a tendency to get hurt, so we have to wonder if Weidman will suffer from the same problems. Moore likely envisions Weidman as a slot receiver, providing a quick option to throw to should the o-line, which doesn't really seem to be constructed, fail to block for the yet-to-be-determined quarterback.

Patrick: Joanna, do you have your fourth round pick ready?

Douillette: You’re damn right I do. Adam Gelinas.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy that takes great photos and is an underrated deep threat, Adam is your man. BAM!

Douillette: I am psyched to welcome Gelinas to the team as he’s been on the CR (Canoe Reserve) all season long, making this his first game since last season’s WISBowl. The hours he’s spent working on the canoe and practicing racing have surely honed his athletic build. Gelinas is a speed demon, and we are counting on his upper body strength, strong cardiovascular system, and football intelligence to bring this team to the highest levels of competition. He gives it his all and drives his teammates to do the same. We’re counting on him to match up with Vilmos and get some nasty receptions – and maybe some interceptions if we’re lucky.

Priest: All QB possibilities remain undrafted, perhaps showing that the difference between the three has been indistinguishable after Mackenzie's dominance in WISBowl II. Gelinas is a strong pick here. He was the bright spot on the losing team in WBII, showing flashes of defensive ability, and becoming a stronger receiver as the game progressed. We've seen the WISted Sister 2008 Summer MVP improve in other athletic ventures; Joanna has hit a home run with this pick. He'll be the second receiver, probably serving as Weidman's counterpart on Joanna's offense, to take some attention off Jermaine.

Moore: Scott, you don’t know my team at all. Next I choo-choo-choo choose Mr. Steve Baccari.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who is the second coming of Matt Moore at wide receiver, Steve. BAM!

Priest: And again the quarterbacks are snubbed, as the three remain for the last three picks. Moore again adds speed. We can now project his team: Moore and Baccari on the outsides with Weidman in the slot, and Bonneau, JB-dubs, and Villy on the line. Baccari also excels in pass plays off the o-line, so that's another option. A versatile choice by Moore.

Steve suddenly storms outside to where everyone is sitting.

Baccari: Yeah! Yeah! Y’all gonna have a view to a kill on Nick Fox Field. Jermaine, get ready to die another day since I’m gonna beat the living daylights outta you. This message comes from Russia with love.

Priest: Oh, I love Russia!

Moore: And you love Zooey Deschanel and Lil’ Wayne, which is about as inexplicable as that glass wall thing next to Carole Cohen’s desk. Actually, that reminds me of something. BRB!

Patrick: And off he goes. Joanna, who do you select in the fifth round?

Douillette (points to Scott): Him.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who is a field general and is a master of intangibles, Scott is your man. Watch this, watch this. BAM!

Douillette: I’m thrilled to have the most handsome member of the WISFFL on our team. We are depending on his golden arm and chiseled physique to score some serious points during this game. Priest is one of the most seasoned members of the league, with steadfast pocket presence and the ability to stay cool under pressure. He has a wide range of passes in his arsenal – short tosses, medium-length spirals, and end zone miracles, as well as the ability to contort his body and manipulate flags with his mind to avoid impending tackles. We’re looking forward to having his experience, intelligence, and beard bring some serious depth to our team.

Priest: I'm proud to join a fine team led by a delicious cake maker. Joanna isn't delicious, her cake was. Well, she may be delicious, that's just not something I know. As far as you know.

Patrick: Well, looks like Matt’s back. What do you have there?

Moore: I found some poinsettias lying around the front lobby in a seemingly random manner. Decided I’d add some character to the draft table. Hey, what the hell?

Dan the facilities manager comes and removes the flowers and brings them back inside.

Moore: Now what can Destiney put in her hair?

Patrick: So it all comes down to this. The sixth and final round of the WISBowl III Draft. Matt, your team is on the clock.

Moore: I now present to you my secret weapon. He was the breakout star of WISBowl II. Our connection on that day threw Nick Fox into an everlasting depression. I give you, Mr. Branden MacKenzie!

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about the league’s best pure, natural quarterback, it’s Branden. BAM!

Priest: Matt reunites with his WISBowl II QB, and this is no surprise. His complete inability to connect with Davin made this the easiest choice of the night.

Patrick: Alright, we’re down to our final selection. Joanna, I guess your hand is forced here.

Douillette: I thought we were done.

Patrick: No, you still have one more choice to make.

Douillette: We still have to pick one more player? Seriously? Fine, I guess we’ll pick Plaxico Burress. He’s pretty tough. He shot his own leg, after all.

Patrick: Plaxico is out of the question, I’m afraid, he’s still recovering, and we have a strict “No Idiot” policy in the WISFFL.

Sean Edwards pokes his head out the door at the mention of Plaxico Burress.

Edwards: Hey guys, hey. I know that Plaxico Burress hates safeties, but that's just ridiculous. Zing!

Douillette: Fine, I choose Davin Wilfrid.

Maguire: Mike I'm a tell ya what. You talk about a guy who sucks, Davin is your man. BAM!

Douillette: Zomer’s Zombies will count on Davin to balance out the number of Wilfrids in the game. (We’ve learned through hard experience that having two family members on the same team doesn’t always end up so well.) Maybe if we can get D. Wilfrid to distract J. Wilfrid with questions such as, “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight” or, “Have you seen my baseball glove?” someone else on our team will be able to find a hole to slip by. With his laser, rocket arm D. Wilfrid gives us a second quarterback option, and he is also a reliable receiver. He may seem harmless at a mere 5’1”, but don’t let his short stature lead you to underestimate his intensity.

Priest: Despite unmentionable levels of suckitude, Davin may be of some use on Joanna's team. They now have two legitimate quarterbacking options, leading for a tough defensive game plan for Moore, and myriad options for Joanna's crew; especially valuable given her creative playmaking skills. You have to envision a lineup of Steph, Walsh, and whoever doesn't QB on the line, with Jermaine, Gelinas, and Joanna split wide. Yep, split wide. Classy.

Patrick: Like My Morning Jacket, I’m amazed at how smoothly things ran this year. Scott, can you give us your overall draft assessment?

Priest: OK. First, Moore. You have to credit him for having a vision and seeing it through. Given his well-documented confidence regardless of who throws the ball, he went after complementary receivers to give his team enough options that the defense won't be able to overload on Moore. An interesting, if self-serving, direction. Plus he’s got the sensual and loving Jenny Beaumont Wilfrid. A-.

Now, Joanna. She went the opposite direction, valuing a gritty, trench-driven team. She came away with two quarterback options, her BF, someone to have iPhoneSaber battles with during halftime, and enough speed to keep up with Moore's team. A.

Patrick: On behalf of our entire staff, thank you very much everyone for viewing the 2008 WISBowl III Draft. Good luck to both teams on Saturday.


Draft Recap (round, overall pick):

Levin's Bad Guys:
Matt Moore (N/A)
Vilmos Csizmadia (1, 1)
Jen Wilfrid (2, 3)
Lauren Bonneau (3, 5)
Nick Weidman (4, 7)
Steve Baccari (5, 9)
Branden MacKenzie (6, 11)

Zomer’s Zombies:
Joanna Douillette (N/A)
Stephanie Smith (1, 2)
Matt Walsh (2, 4)
Jermaine Curtis (3, 6)
Adam Gelinas (4, 8)
Scott Priest (5, 10)
Davin Wilfrid (6, 12)

Technical Difficulties

Due to the inclement weather and satellite feed problems, the start of the draft has been temporarily delayed. We will let you know when we have established the link.

In the meantime, enjoy re-runs of the Steve Harvey Show.

WISBowl III Announced

See you in November...

Dead Puppies show bark and bite in 64-39 over Spaghetti Cat

by Scott Priest

Joanna Douillette’s debut as WISFFL captain was spoiled by Matt Moore’s tastefully named Dead Puppies, who defeated Spaghetti Cat 64-39 at Vilmos Csizmadia Soccer Emporium Saturday.

The Puppies took a first-half lead on the strength of their widely renowned Chaos Theory offense, in which Father Scott Priest Holmes just kind of heaves the ball wherever he damn well pleases and Moore runs around like a wildebeest on acid.

Credit also goes to no. 2 wideout Steve Baccari, who earned game MVP honors with four touchdowns and a solid defensive showing, alternately shutting down Spaghetti Cat’s top receivers. With Spaghetti Cat’s defensive attention placed solely on Moore tenacious quadriceps, Baccari was able to find open space and collect passes from the Padre, who is better looking than Matt Cassel and gives off a warm pumpkin-y aroma.

Baccari scored three first-half touchdowns to go along with John Bertsch’s 1, plus a Bertsch extra point, which was successfully converted on the Puppies fourth straight attempt at the exact same goal line play. According to Laura Casasanto’s official score book, Baccari found himself making plays on defense as well, as she states, “1st half INTs: Steve, maybe more.”

Spaghetti Cat was close throughout the first half, behind the laser rocket arm of Davin Wilfrid Sucks. Alissa Nelson came running at the description of said arm, but found a #27 Giants jersey instead of a #18 Colts jersey and was no longer interested. Just kidding, she doesn’t come any more anyway because her quads or some shit are hurt. I’m not saying “Movers,” I’m saying, “Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

Wilfrid Sucks hit receiver Jay “I borrowed Adam's work ethic and may never return it” Henry for an early touchdown, and ran one in himself, making the score 25-12 with three minutes to go.

Down two scores, Spaghetti Cat knew to stay in it they had to score. Wilfrid Sucks hit newcomer David “Don’t Call Me Joanna” Douillette for a touchdown as time expired, and converted the extra point to Tyler Kennedy, who pahked the cah in Hahvahd yahd before displaying more football skills than everyone else combined times infinity.

With the Cat getting the ball back, down 25-19, the Dead Puppies knew they had to clamp down on defense. Moore, Baccari, and Priest rotated positions, and the Puppies changed their front line of Matt “I really could kick Stephanie’s ass” Walsh, Goozarooz Harding, and Bertsch to a more passive rush, keeping Wilfrid in front of them and making him beat them with his arm.

“I’ve seen Branden Mackenzie, and he ain’t no Branden Mackenzie,” said Moore while dusting off his Joey Harrington jersey. “We knew that eventually the picks would start coming.”

And did they.

The Dead Puppies ended the Cat’s next three drives with interceptions by Baccari, Bertsch, and Moore, and piled on touchdowns.

The Puppies spread the ball around in the 2nd half after focusing on Baccari in the first half. Baccari scored just once in the 2nd half, while Vilmos Csizmadia scored on three deep balls from the Padre, who also ran one in. Captain Moore added a score himself.

Spaghetti Cat threw many different looks at the Puppies on offense. Kennedy and Douillette each lined up at QB, relieving Wilfrid Sucks, who had been seen reading Boing Boing on his iPhone during plays behind center. “That shit is hilarious,” said the large, soar Viking. “These newscasters have no fucking idea why that video played. And the cat just sat there. And there’s a huge plate of spaghetti!”

At one point, Douillette lined up as QB deep in his own territory, and rolled out to the right. The hard-charging Walsh blitzed past the offensive line like mackerel past baleen and forced him out of bounds in the end zone for a safety. “All the credit goes to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, without whom none of this would be possible,” said Walsh, pointing the sky and popping his jersey.

As the game proceeded, each team dug into its playbook, showing different looks. With running plays, options, and the occasional WR-as-QB situation, everyone got in on the action, as is usually the case when Wilfrid Sucks is present. (He’s a slut, is what that means.)

Kristin Bent reeled in a number of passes in the flat and pretended it was soccer by juking her way down the field for some YAC. The Cat also spread the field looking for Wes Hosking downfield and in mid-range. The elder Douillette found her stride on defense, attacking the Padre with reckless abandon, sacking his immobile ass like it was her jobby job.

“I still love you,” she whispered as he gathered himself off the field.

The Puppies also spread the ball around, finding Gooz on a number of rollout possession receptions. “Did you know Scranton was a safe haven for slaves in Colonial America?” Gooz was seen saying to no one in particular.

When the sweat finally stopped pouring off their unconditioned bodies, the final score was 64-39, Dead Puppies exhausted and unable to drive their cars home due to soreness rejoicing in glory.

GAME 1 CANCELLED

Talking Disney princesses, sucky quarterbacks, and WISBowl III preparations with Joanna Douillette

“When I found out, I got excited and jumped up and down.”

That’s how the Bridgewater-via-Brockton native Joanna Douillette described her reaction when Matt Moore and Nick Fox appointed her co-commissioner of WISFFL, upon Fox’s defection to Maryland.

Douillette knew she was the front-runner all along, beating out a few other candidates due to her experience with the administrative work of the league. She undertook the arduous task of creating the WISFFL sweatshirts by tapping an old contact who produced high school athletic wear, communicating back and forth for weeks until the appropriate colors were delivered. She arranged for the field of WISBowl II. And she’s committed herself to the improvement of the quality of play by participating in the combine and working on developing her own skills as a pass-catcher.

“I started out as a blocker, but I’ve evolved over time,” says the part Scottish-Italian-French-Canadian-English-Native American Douillette. “Now I can catch passes, and I think my athletic ability has improved.”

Douillette attributed this in part to attending events that were all-male, such as the combine (“well, Alissa was there, but she’s pretty much a machine”), but also to this being her maiden voyage into team sports.

“In high school, I ran cross-country and track, but this feels different,” says Douillette as she doodles sketches of herself making out with Matt Cassel. “WISFFL makes you work together. This is the first serious team I’ve been on where it’s not about the individual. You have to connect with your teammates, and it doesn’t matter if I can run faster than someone if I can’t catch a pass or coordinate a block. When I was a kid, everyone got a trophy. In WISFFL, there’s only one winner. No one feels like a loser, but you aspire to win.”

Douillette is not only concerned with her own contributions – she demonstrates a keen interest in the strategy of the league, both on and off the field.

“I prefer a run-based offense,” says Douillette, the creator of famous WISFFL plays “Mermaid” and “Boxcar.” She’s known for these and other pie-in-the-sky plays – who can forget “SAP,” the play in which the terminology changes halfway through and everyone gets confused and falls over – but aspires to revamp her contributions to also be those of a useful nature.

“Nick was a great leader,” says Douillette. “Very smart. More rational than Matt, who’s pure passion. They complemented each other well. I need to work on things like making teams even, and accounting for people dropping out of games late.”

“WISBowl II was tough,” says Douillette, whose team lost handily. “In the 1st quarter, I knew the teams weren’t right. Not to take anything away from them – Branden [Mackenzie, 95-96, 8 bazillion yards, 400 touchdowns] had a breakout game. But it’s more fun for everyone if the teams are fairly even and it’s a competitive game.”

Here, Douillette pauses and recalls WISBowl I. “A gem,” she says. “It was more competitive, Davin was there, it was really a great game.”

Though Douillette looks back frequently on past seasons, she’s ready to throw herself full-boar into season 3.

“I’d love to have our own stadium with lights and a bunch of fans, and trophies and jerseys, but I have to think more realistically. I’d love to leave a legacy beyond me and Matt, a good core group of people who have a lot of fun out there.”

Season 3’s major changes include a switch back to weekend games from weekdays that were featured in the spring season, due to more consistent appearances and less tired players.

“We seemed to have an easier time getting over hangovers than rousing up energy after work.”

Further, WISBowl III is strategically scheduled. “It’s actually football season,” says Douillette. “It just feels right out there. Plus, we get to fit WISBowl III in before we have to travel for fall conferences.”

Sounds like Douillette has replaced Fox after all.

“Oh,” she says, “and I want fireworks.”

New World Order Twists Nick’s Knickers in Final Game of WISFFL Season II

By Blainette Lynorah

Uncertainty flooded the days leading up to the biggest game of the WISFFL's spring season as Co-Commissioners Nick Fox and Matt Moore searched for a permit to a local field. After a season full of sharing turf with drunk high school teams and vicious school children, they wanted to guarantee they had enough space to play the biggest game of the season - WISBOWL II.

For historical, practical, and personal reasons, the commishes wanted to hold the game at the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium. It was the field where Stephanie almost killed Eric (and vice-versa), where parades of puppies and children once gave a halftime show, and where Davin's college t shirt was ripped to bits and later tied around his head. Matteo's football was lost there, hypothermia set in there on multiple occasions, and most importantly, a small group of coworkers gathered there one stormy afternoon to play in a flag football game, just to see how it went, with no idea that it would eventually span two seasons and bring the players together in the spirit of friendship and competition.

Fox was promised the rights to the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium by the Norwood Department of Recreation, only to be told upon his and Moore's arrival there that there was made a mistake, the field was already booked, the department was sorry and the WISFFL could have a patch of dirt filled with broken glass and used heroin needles if they felt like it, instead of the field they had come to call home.

The Glorious Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium

"I'm sorry," said Cindy McUgly, head chairperson of the department. "I totally led on that Foxy guy over the phone when I told him the field was available. I knew it was booked but he has a really sweet voice and I wanted to meet him in person. I didn't realize he'd be so upset, it's just football, right?"

Police have so far been unable to connect reports of a Molotov cocktail being thrown into the department building to any member of the WISFFL, but a red car with an "Invest in Children" license plate was seen peeling out of the parking lot shortly before the blast.

And so, a fast and furious struggle to locate any playable field ensued. The WISFFL Front Office was filled with desperate phone calls, bribery attempts, and an offer to sell Gelinas's girlfriend in exchange for a field.

In a last-ditch effort, future WISFFL Co-Commissioner Joanna Douillette called the Massachusetts Department of Recreation and Conservation. After an hour on the phone during which she made the representative go through every field in the northeast and several in southern Canada, she discovered that there was a field right in Dedham that wasn't booked for the evening. It was a soccer field. It was big. It had lights and crop circles. And most importantly, it was guaranteed that Melissa Franks would never be able to find it. Papers were signed, letters were faxed, Matt Moore drove across the state, and the WISFFL had a new place to call home. It wasn't the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium, but it was a field, and when you're a flag football player, that's all you need. Plus some flags. And a football. (That's why Matteo can't play anymore, he doesn't have one).

Can you find Matteo’s football?

The initial uncertainty surrounding the game was replaced by a palpable excitement as the hours till the coin toss ticked away. Scott Priest would face a new challenger to the quarterback throne - Branden McKenzie, combine dropout and salesman extraordinaire. In his first game, McKenzie routinely threw the ball a mile and a half or more, resulting in few touchdowns but inspiring a great buzz about his arm strength.

Davin Wilfrid, a third choice for QB, was drinking beer and wearing lederhosen in some Germanic country, and was thus unable to participate in the game. He was unreachable at press time, but Mrs. Wilfrid later informed reporters that he cradled a football like a baby the entire trip and would break into tears anytime football was mentioned.

"He doesn't know that in Europe, football is actually soccer," she whispered during a phone interview. "I thought it was safest not to tell him."

Wilfrid showing his devastation at missing WISBOWL II

"I heard he sucks, anyways, so it wouldn't have made a difference if he played or not," McKenzie said, peering over the top of his Maui Jim shades. He paused, then added, "he's bigger than me, though, so don't tell him I said that."

Nick Fox’s yellow team resurrected the Twisted Nickers moniker while Matt Moore’s red team resumed the guise of the New World Order, rubbing steroid cream on each other and growing ridiculous yellow moustaches.

Everyone was excited about the return of Sean “Puppies” Edwards. Edwards had missed every single game of season two due to softball commitments, scheduling conflicts, and the excuse that his new baby, a doggie named Smithwicks, needed him at home. After nearly a week of assuring everyone he would be there, Sean backed out and broke the news to his teammates that he would be unable to play in the WISBOWL II.

“Sean’s a tough guy, I’ve seen him eat nails with milk and sugar for breakfast, and once he punched Harvey in the face just because he asked Sean to move up a brochure deadline,” Alissa Nelson, WIS marketer and lifelong athlete, said with a shrug. “But now that he got this puppy, he’s been wearing pastel colors to work and researching lullabies online. Just yesterday he offered to give George a hug! He lost his thirst for blood, that’s the real reason he’s taken himself off the roster.”

After a last minute flurry of trades to account for the loss of Sean and the unexpected addition of Tim “Nice to Meet You!” Carney, the game was set to begin.

Twisted Nickers won the coin toss and struggled from that moment on. The teams got on the line, Adam “Don’t Sell My Girlfriend” Gelinas hiked the ball, and QB Scott “Beardy” Priest searched unsuccessfully for a yellow teammate to hand or throw the ball to. After four quick downs, Twisted Nickers was forced to punt and Matt “I’m So Good I Don’t Need a Nickname, But I Have One Anyways and It’s ‘Moore Sucks’”Moore caught it and immediately ran it 90% of the way up the field. The yellow team should have just KEPT the ball and tried for the fourth down conversion and not cared about field advantage because they gave it up anyways but I’m not bitter I just need to take a DEEP BREATH.

New World Order quickly assumed dominance on the field. The guts and glory of their plays was captured on film by Laura “I Like Both Teams” Casasanto, who also doubled as timekeeper, and who’s boyfriend owns a Hedgehog.

“It’s really cute, you should come see it sometime!” She said excitedly to reporters.

Laura’s boyfriend and his hedgehog

McKenzie brought his “A+” game and threw a completion to Sean “I Like Pool Parties” Warnock, quickly putting his team up, 6-0. Twisted Nickers was again unsuccessful over the course of four downs, and in case somebody missed it the first time, McKenzie threw the ball to Warnock for a second touchdown, raising the score to 12-0 and causing Ryan Sawyer to break down into tears.

“It was just such a beautiful pass! What amazing form!” Sawyer whispered, dabbing his eyes on the sidelines. “I know Branden’s on the other team … but I must draw him!”

Nick “I Don’t Have to be Nice, I’m Moving Away!” Fox tried to inject some life into the increasingly Twisted Nickers. “LET’S DO THIS!” He and Priest chest-bumped, then drew up a quick play, not as good as Mermaid, clearly, but a cute one nonetheless. Unfortunately, these plans were once again spoiled by the hustling Moore and Adam “I’m Jiggy With It” Tokarz. Adam cut across Jay Henry’s path, effectively stopping the yellows and paving the way for a patented Moore interception, and Moore sprinted in, uncontested, for a touchdown. Shocked by this turn of events, the Nickers stood, gaping, mouths hanging open and defenseless, and were thus unable to block John “Monotone” Bertsch from getting the extra point although they could have if they wanted to.

“Let’s step this up!” Alissa “Jessica Rabbit” Nelson said to her tearful yellow teammates. “I didn’t return to the game only to have my ass handed to me on a platter! Let’s score some points!”

Alissa used a microphone to be heard better while inspiring her teammates

Her team took her words to heart. Gelinas set up to hike the ball then got into formation to help block, Jay “Knee Socks” Henry went wide right, and Alberto Benitez pawed at the ground like a bull, ready to destroy any red team member who came his way. Finding his rhythm, Priest eyed his options and ran down the field to put his team’s first points on the board, then he ran in the extra point for good measure. The Twisted Nickers finally had some points on the board, but they knew they had a long road ahead of them if they were going to overtake the Novel Earth Control.

Douillette and Nelson struggled against the stronger lineup of Stephanie “KILL” Smith and Susie “Program Guides” Harding. Both Smith and Harding had been hitting the gym for some extra workouts, as was evident by their increased speed, bulging biceps, and newfound thirst for blood.

“I can’t take it out there,” Douillette said, gasping for breath. “Steph is going to ki – NOOO! DON’T HURT ME!!” The interview was interrupted as Smith barreled her over on the sidelines and Harding dropped the People’s Elbow on her. Nelson was kicking around a soccer ball with Vilmos “Football Isn’t Enough, I Want Futbol, Too” Czismadia on the sidelines and was unable to come to her teammate’s rescue.

The yellow team continued to struggle mightily for the remainder of the game. Fox and Gelinas continued to be key players on their team, getting receptions and gaining yardage, until Fox fell onto a rock and split his knee open, and Gelinas gave up altogether and sailed his canoe around the giant puddle on the east end of the field for the remainder of the game.

The WISFFL’s new face of victory

Matt “I Can’t Eat Lunch Today” Walsh later admitted to reporters that he had that end of the field flooded as a cautionary measure prior to the game. He then fainted from the combined effects of groping Alissa and subsisting off of cereal alone for 4 days straight. Renda would be proud.

Several times during the game, it looked like the Twisted Nickers had new plans for the New World Order, with some snazzy receptions by Gelinas and Sawyer and serious yardage gained by the Foxxy Lady himself, but after Matt “Me Again!” Moore intercepted the ball during the yellow team’s first play of the second half, thoughts of defeat started creeping into their heads.

“We were like the Persians in that movie with the guy with the beard, and all the fighting, and the creepy guy on the cliffs who looks all hunchbacked,” Nick “I Hate You Guys” Fox said as he reflected on the game during the postgame conference.

“We thought we were going to win, but Matt’s Spartans really stepped up and played their hearts out the whole game. You gotta give them props, they did well.” He paused, heaved a shuddering breath, then added, “In the end, New World Order’s destruction of Twisted Nickers is reminiscent of the New World Order’s destruction of the WCW roster of ’96 and ’97. Just don’t tell Matt that I used a wrestling reference.”

The clock ran out on a 42-20 New World Order triumph over Twisted Nickers in the first ever WISFFL game played under lights. Moore was able to celebrate his second consecutive WISBOWL victory in true WISFFL style – with champagne and cigars for the victors, although he would have admittedly rather had something “else” besides tobacco in those stogies.

While the two teams high fived and the Nickers drowned their sorrows in tropical punch flavored Gatorade as consolation.

As the occasion drew to a close, Laura Casasanto declared the WISFFL’s new location the “Nick Fox Farwell Field.” Warnock piped in, suggesting it should be the “Nick Fox Memorial Stadium.” Sawyer added that maybe it should be the Foxy Colosseum, but Czismadia proclaimed it the Hungarian Horntail House of Soccer and Sex, which settled the matter. Matt Moore ceremoniously gave Fox a commemorative football, wrapped neatly in a plastic Roche Bros bag.

The ball was autographed by every person who had played in a WISFFL game during the first two seasons. Everyone except Matteo. He couldn’t figure out where the football was long enough to sign his name.


All photos courtesy of Adam Gelinas. For full album, go here: http://picasaweb.google.com/WISEvent/WISBowl2

Blog Exclusive: Bootleg Article on the First Season and History of the WISFFL

Written by Davin Wilfrid. Courtesy of Carrie-Anne Thayer.

Matt Moore darted off the line of scrimmage, cut hard to his left, vaulted over nine inches of snow, and hauled in the winning touchdown pass — just past the outstretched fingertips of Nick Fox. The catch gave Moore’s team a hard-fought victory in WISBowl I; the final game of the first-ever WIS Flag Football League (WISFFL) season.

It was appropriate that Moore and Fox figured in the final play of the season. The two editorial assistants, who share an office on the second floor (along with Laura Casasanto), are co- founders of the WISFFL.

“Nick and I got the idea one day sitting in our office in the fall. It just sort of happened while we were talking about how much fun we had playing intramurals in college. We talked to Scott Priest about it, and we knew there was some interest since Jason Renda had also talked about a league. We offered to try to start things up, and the rest is history,” says Moore.

That history includes five regular season games and WISBowl I, a gala affair that drew more than a dozen players and a cadre of fans, who contributed far more than just cheers (Stephanie Smith sang the national anthem through a megaphone, and Laura Casasanto, Kathleen Rose, Alissa Nelson, Cara Bradley, Wes Hosking, Carol Wyche, and other fans brought snacks and refreshments).

Recruiting players for the WISFFL turned out to be a relatively easy task, according to Moore.

“We started out by inviting people we knew already were interested and people who played in the softball leagues. We got about 30 responses within minutes and knew we had something big. At one point, we were afraid we might even have too many people to keep the games fun and balanced. However, it turned out that we got about 10-16 people for each game. Not only did it allow us to field competitive teams, but we got a great variety of games due to different match-ups and numbers of people on the field,” he says.

Regular WISFFL players included a wide variety from multiple departments, including Brian Geever (Data), Jason Renda (Web), Susie Harding (Conferences), Scott Priest (Editorial), Lauren Bonneau (Editorial), Joanna Douillette (Conferences), Sean Edwards (Marketing), Adam Gelinas (Data), Stephanie Smith (Conferences), Kristen Marvelle (Conferences), Vilmos Csizmadia (Web), and others. Moore and Fox say the games gave them a chance to interact with WIS employees they don’t often work with.

“Outside events like both softball leagues and the San Francisco trip were great ways to get to know some more people, especially since I just started here last summer. Now, being directly involved and communicating with people about the WISSFL has expanded upon that, and I feel I’ve gotten to know a lot more people a lot better,” says Moore.

“I also got to know the first and third floors better as the season went on, since we had several players from each. This worked out well, since I rarely have a reason to leave the sanctity of the second floor — unless of course it’s bagel day,” says Fox.

Teams were divided in the days before each game, with teams assigned either red or yellow flags. Games were played Saturday afternoons at a neighborhood park in Norwood. The season began in early November and culminated in mid-December.

WIS employees who want to get in the game won’t have to wait until next fall. Fox and Moore say they are planning a Spring league for anyone interested.

“We’ve already gotten some interest from new players and hope that it will continue to expand. There may or may not be opening ceremonies being planned involving a torch lighting marathon. I hope that the Spring League can culminate with something at least half as exciting as WISBowl I,” says Moore.

Rick Moranis Shrinks Field, Patience of WISFFL

By Slutty McGee

When Matt Walsh left the field yesterday, covered in sweat and dirt and sporting a hint of a tan for the first time in years, he checked his cell phone and saw that he had 546 missed calls and 1,029 new text messages all asking where the hell he was and when he’d be back online.

"That’s the last time I skip a WoW raid for flag football!" He said angrily. "I’ll never hear the end of this!"

The J.O.B. Squad was pleased he did – Walsh got the game’s first score and helped lead the wrestlers to a 36-24 victory over the Firing Squad.

The location of Game 5 was in flux as the athletes started to arrive in their H3s. Nick "We Are Playing This Game or I’ll Scream Like a Girl" Fox finished negotiating the contract with the field’s usurpers, and the WISFFL was relegated to play on a field 20 yards shorter than regulation in a corner of Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field.

Surrounded by co-ed softball players that couldn’t reach the outfield and a group of five year old kids that can do more push-ups than me, the game commenced.

The J.O.B. Squad won the coin toss and Matt "Bugs Bunny" Moore lined up as quarterback, moving his team down the field in two plays that culminated in a reception and consequent touchdown by Matt "I Am a Guild Leader" Walsh, and a 6-0 lead for their team.

John Bertsch debuted as quarterback for the Firing Squad, and Joanna "Mermaid" Douillette, capitalizing on the lack of Wilfrids and Priests around, began to call as many absurd plays as possible. In the play that Douillette named "Charis" but Fox says is a "hook and ladder," Bertsch passed to team captain Foxxy, who gained a few yards and lateralled it to Stephanie "I Don’t Hold People Anymore" Smith, who ran it in to wild applause for her first career touchdown.

Hook and Ladder’s Namesake

"Our defense was actually supposed to stop them, but it didn’t work out as we planned," Matt Moore said later, sipping on a frosty brew. "I had ordered 2 or 3 puppies be brought to the game to distract Stephanie, but somebody intercepted the shipment, I don’t know where they ended up."

When reports later surfaced about complaints of barking coming from Douillette’s backyard, she was unavailable for comment.

To the excitement of the fans, Jenny Wong made her WISFFL debut playing for the J.O.B. Squad.

"I was nervous about playing," she said during her first press interview, not taking off her Prada sunglasses despite being indoors. "You know, I’m about 6’4", 300 pounds, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But it all worked out for the best."

Wong was a key member of both the offense and defense for the Career Squad, seizing opportunities to grab fistfuls of flags from the other team and getting a few receptions as well.

Jennifer Wong

Her team scored on its next drive with a deep pass from Moore to Vilmos "I Am Really Freaking Fast" Czismadia. The Occupation Squad then held the Fireworks Squad to no points on their next drive, and explosions could be heard for miles away as Jeison "I Will Eat You" Ortega and Alberto "I’m New" Benitez continually faced off on the line.

Unable to get to the first down marker, Fox was forced to punt and drilled the ball to the far end of the field, where Moore promptly caught it, disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared in the end zone to make the score 18-6.

"We should have just gone for it on fourth," Fox said to his team. "Now they have another touchdown, and my foot hurts to boot. Get it? To boot?"

The Combustion Squad regained control of the ball, but quickly fell short on downs. In a last ditch effort, Bertsch lined up as QB on fourth down and with acting skills that Merryl Streep would be proud of, turned around and faked the hand-off to Ortega.

"I thought I really had it!" Ortega said after the game. "That’s why I ran for a touchdown, too!"
Bertsch then turned and threw the ball to Fox, who was deflagged steps from the end zone by Benitez, and the yellow team turned the ball over on downs.

Moore wanted to flex his muscles as a receiver again and Czismadia stepped up as quarterback for the JOBs. He shot a pass to Susie "I Touched Papelbon’s Ass" Harding, which was batted out of the air by a scrambling Douillette. Villy then regained his composure on the next play and sent the ball hurtling through the air towards Moore, who caught it to put the score at a daunting 24-6.

"Um… we should probably score, I want Smithwicks to be proud of me …" Smith said, as she snapped the ball to John "I’m Quarterback!!!!!" Bertsch. An easy pass to Fox brought in the Firing Squad’s second touchdown and marked the close of the first half.


After a record 13 second halftime, the Firing Squad regained the ball and Nick "Now I Know How Davin Feels" Fox led his team down the field with some quick passes to Smith and Ortega and a long pass to Bertsch for an easy touchdown on his first play as a receiver.


When the JOB Squad got the ball back, Moore threw the ball and Ortega tipped it right back into his hands. Moore gained a few yards on this pass to himself, aided by strong blocking by Harding and Wong and by his ability to bend his body like Gumby to avoid anybody getting close enough to his waist to grab a flag.

Moore’s peculiar waist

Benitez proved his worth as a Rookie of the Game by scoring his team’s next 12 points. Moore found him for a touchdown and Benitez later caught a perfect pass from Bellini and ran that in for a touchdown as well – the only problem was, they were on different teams.


The score was stretched to 36-18 in favor of the Profession Squad, at which time it became apparent that Davin Wilfrid sucks. Bellini resorted to desperate measures and nearly ripped all of Wong's clothes off in an effort to de-flag her.


"Please don’t be naked!" He said as he peeked through the fingers he’d held up to cover his eyes.

Jason Renda suddenly appeared at the side of the field, but left, sulking, when he saw that Wong did, in fact, still have all her clothes on.


Fox resumed his role as QB and resident tall person on the field and threw the ball to Wes "Sometimes Benny Lets Me Out" Hosking, who had miraculously recovered from the career-ending injury he suffered when he first walked onto the field.


Hosking jogged it in for an pretty touchdown and his team lined up immediately, knowing they needed to score on its next two drives, but time ran out as Moore handed the ball off to Susie "Malternatives" Harding, who was deflagged before she made it to the end zone to end the game.

"Well, it’s hard to run with a Mikes Hard [that’s what she said!!!] Iced Tea in your hands, but I did the best I could!" Harding proclaimed.


Yellow Team Captain Fox declined to comment, but this picture of him was taken shortly after the game ended. He was last seen in Mexico with Jessica Simpson.

Week 5 Photos

Special Thanks to Adam and Laura

Full Album: http://picasaweb.google.com/WISEvent/WISFFLSpring08Game4

Adam dresses his wound sustained by punching Bellini

Bellini reveals the effects of the T-Virus and his pre-game trade to Zombie Fox Apocalypse

Joanna calls the coin toss for the fifth time

Scott drops back to pass with no pressure...before throwing an interception

Scott then lines up to defend against S.T.A.R.S. wide receiver Moore

Bertsch tumbles to the ground (notice Davin laughing hysterically as play continues)

Bertsch about to say something ridiculous to Stephanie as he picks himself up

The Zombies huddle to call a play...

...as the S.T.A.R.S. team breaks their defensive huddle

McLaughlin breaks away from Ryan

Adam forces Davin out of bounds

Moore tackles a lunging Warnock

That's debatable

Bellini threatening Davin’s life after he prevented Scott’s extra point

Bertsch demands the ball in the huddle...in Japanese...

...and he gets his wish

This is just an awesome picture

You can't tell, but Vilmos is running in an uncontested touchdown

Cara attends to an exhausted Vilmos

Sweet action shot of Warnock avoiding Cara

A brunette running away from an advancing blonde (see recap)

Davin and Steph discuss strategy...

...and come out in MERMAID formation!

Cara fends off Susie, who is angry that her undefeated streak comes to an end

The Rachel Nichols All-S.T.A.R.S. pose for a post-game photograph

Creepy Sportscaster Defeats Hoards of Zombies, Scott Priest is Still Afraid

by Jill Valentine

Adam Gelinas’ pre-game blood sacrifice at the hands of Jeison Ortega did little to help his team as the Rachel Nichols All-S.T.A.R.S. defeated Zombie Fox Apocalypse in a staggering 54 – 26 victory.

"They should have known better," Matt Moore was overheard saying to Davin Wilfrid after the game, "Zombies don’t bleed!!"

Wilfrid unfortunately couldn’t hear him - he was curled in the fetal position muttering "not my brains … you can’t have my brains …"

The Zombies won the [sixth] coin toss but the team’s lucky streak was shattered immediately during the first play of the game, when a Scott Priest super-spiral to temporary captain Joanna "Nick Fox is Going to Kill Me" Douillette was intercepted by Wilfrid and promptly run in for a touchdown.

Wilfrid sealed the deal with a short pass to Matt "McQuarters is Cool" Moore for the extra point, thus commencing the All-S.T.A.R.S.’s extermination of the Zombie hoards.

The S.T.A.R.S. quickly scored again on their next possession with another surprisingly good pass from Wilfrid to Moore, bringing the score to 13-0.

"Well, Davin Wilfrid sucks, but he’s bound to get lucky once or twice," said yellow-team QB and heartthrob Scott Priest. "I can’t be the only one who looks good out here."

Hankering to give the All-S.T.A.R.S. the old one-two, Priest propelled his team on a long drive down the field, organizing them on the line and always remembering to say "please" and "thank you."

Ryan "I Can Draw" Sawyer got his first career reception and then sat down on the field to draw a picture of it. A long pass that Adam "I Have a Camera" Gelinas caught by the tips of his fingers ended in the Zombies’ first touchdown and Priest’s short pass to Sean Warnock got the yellow team back in the game, making the score 13-7.

"We just wanted to lull them into a false sense of security," John Bertsch said later as he sipped an iced tea. "They didn’t know that Davin put a homing device in the football, that’s why his passes were actually good today and we were never worried. But I won’t complain about this until next week if they’re foolish enough to put me on a different team."

At press time these rumors were unconfirmed, although during one play, Matt Walsh was spotted hiding in the bushes with a remote control.

The Rachel Nichols Constellations dominated the rest of the first half. Vilmos Csizmadia and Sean "Please Don’t Send Me to France Again" McLoughlin helped their team with short passes and good blocking skillz, and Wilfrid and Moore each padded their stats with another touchdown apiece.

"Yeah, it was a good game," said Csizmadia. "Everytime Davin wanted to throw it to Bertsch, I had to be on my toes because I know that’s code for him throwing it to me."

During one (un)memorable play, every single red team member lined up to the right. When the yellow team said "Aha! We’ve got you now!" and rushed in, Wilfrid took advantage of their gullibility and ran in the other direction, shouting "THIS PLAY IS CALLED DESK CHAIR!"

Douillette was later heard saying "That play name sucks."

The teams’ fans dwindled away as Laura Casasanto, Scott Glazer, and Jenny Wong left the athletes high and dry, apparently disappointed in the lack of cute puppies and babies crossing the field. Moore assumed time-keeper responsibilities as the Dead Fox Team made a last bid for points before half-time.

Priest found Gelinas in the end zone for an easy touchdown, then attempted to run in the ball himself for the extra point. Even though 13 eyewitnesses and a cat that was walking by all claimed he broke the plane, it was ruled that the red team’s sucky QB deflagged him just in time to prevent the score.

After halftime, the Zombies quickly scored again with a third pass to Gelinas and a successful extra point, bringing the score to a respectable 26-20.

The excitement was short-lived as the Zombies’ apocalypse became more like a party where nobody remembered to bring beer.

Wilfrid threw a long, hard, deep (that’s what she said) pass to Matt "TNA Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means" Moore, which bounced off Priest’s hands, Moore’s head, the playground slide, and my car, only to land back in Moore’s hands. Then Bertsch decided to join the game and got a two-point conversion.

The Zombies did everything they could to get back into the game, including a lot of short runs and quick passes that fell just shy of the first yard lines, and a short pass to Douillette that led to a long, seemingly unstoppable run until Moore grabbed both her flags and brought the play to a crashing halt a few yards away from a touchdown.

The Davin-to-Moore connection, much like the connection between Harry Potter and You-Know-Who, was powerful, almost as if they could read each others minds... Even Sean "I Need a Scrunchie" Warnock’s 17.5 sacks, Sawyer’s tough blocks, and Bellini’s repeated standoffs with Cara Bradley did little to slow the pace of the red team’s offense.

"What did you expect?" Stephanie Smith asked after the game. "Zombies are dead. And foxes can’t carry footballs, their jaws are too small. That team didn’t stand a chance."

Her team went on to score 22 unanswered points, including a play where the Reanimated Bodies’ snap went over Padre’s head. He fell on the ball, then Wilfrid, Bertsch, McLoughlin, Benny, and Brad Pitt fell on him, too. He was ruled down in the opposing team’s end zone and the Rachel Nichols Flaming Balls of Gas in the Sky got a two point conversion.

A highlight of the game was the "Blondes vs. Brunettes" matchup among the girls. Stephanie "Not the Porn Star One, the Other One" Smith and Cara "If You Mess With Me I’ll Put You On Bus Duty" Bradley repeatedly lined up against Joanna "They’ll Never Let Me Be Captain Again" Douillette and Susie "I’m Bigger Than You" Harding.

In the end the blondes prevailed with at least one reception each, cute outfits, and major sex appeal, proving unequivocally that they do, in fact, have more fun.

As the game drew to a close, the All-S.T.A.R.S. found themselves with a considerable point lead and decided to try a couple of hair-brained schemes to break the game open beyond all repair. To add insult to injury, they resorted to Douillette’s patented Mermaid and Boxcar plays, plays that Douillette’s own team had been rejecting throughout the game.

Scott "Why the Hell Not" Priest offered up his coveted QB position to anybody who wanted it. "Davin sucks so much, I just can’t take it," he said.

"That’s what she said," Gelinas whispered. Then he left to build a canoe. He was last seen sailing down the Mississippi.

Warnock stepped up and had an admirable debut as QB and NEW team dreamboat. He scanned the field to find passing options, but gave up when he saw McLoughlin was covering everybody at once. Instead, Warnock ran for over 20 yards to make what would be the last touchdown of the game.

The sun set on a 54-26 victory for Rachel Nichol’s Evil Twin, effectively snapping Susie’s never-lost-a-game streak, although I have been informed by several sources that Renda said he’s here for her if she wants to "talk."