Rick Moranis Shrinks Field, Patience of WISFFL

By Slutty McGee

When Matt Walsh left the field yesterday, covered in sweat and dirt and sporting a hint of a tan for the first time in years, he checked his cell phone and saw that he had 546 missed calls and 1,029 new text messages all asking where the hell he was and when he’d be back online.

"That’s the last time I skip a WoW raid for flag football!" He said angrily. "I’ll never hear the end of this!"

The J.O.B. Squad was pleased he did – Walsh got the game’s first score and helped lead the wrestlers to a 36-24 victory over the Firing Squad.

The location of Game 5 was in flux as the athletes started to arrive in their H3s. Nick "We Are Playing This Game or I’ll Scream Like a Girl" Fox finished negotiating the contract with the field’s usurpers, and the WISFFL was relegated to play on a field 20 yards shorter than regulation in a corner of Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field.

Surrounded by co-ed softball players that couldn’t reach the outfield and a group of five year old kids that can do more push-ups than me, the game commenced.

The J.O.B. Squad won the coin toss and Matt "Bugs Bunny" Moore lined up as quarterback, moving his team down the field in two plays that culminated in a reception and consequent touchdown by Matt "I Am a Guild Leader" Walsh, and a 6-0 lead for their team.

John Bertsch debuted as quarterback for the Firing Squad, and Joanna "Mermaid" Douillette, capitalizing on the lack of Wilfrids and Priests around, began to call as many absurd plays as possible. In the play that Douillette named "Charis" but Fox says is a "hook and ladder," Bertsch passed to team captain Foxxy, who gained a few yards and lateralled it to Stephanie "I Don’t Hold People Anymore" Smith, who ran it in to wild applause for her first career touchdown.

Hook and Ladder’s Namesake

"Our defense was actually supposed to stop them, but it didn’t work out as we planned," Matt Moore said later, sipping on a frosty brew. "I had ordered 2 or 3 puppies be brought to the game to distract Stephanie, but somebody intercepted the shipment, I don’t know where they ended up."

When reports later surfaced about complaints of barking coming from Douillette’s backyard, she was unavailable for comment.

To the excitement of the fans, Jenny Wong made her WISFFL debut playing for the J.O.B. Squad.

"I was nervous about playing," she said during her first press interview, not taking off her Prada sunglasses despite being indoors. "You know, I’m about 6’4", 300 pounds, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But it all worked out for the best."

Wong was a key member of both the offense and defense for the Career Squad, seizing opportunities to grab fistfuls of flags from the other team and getting a few receptions as well.

Jennifer Wong

Her team scored on its next drive with a deep pass from Moore to Vilmos "I Am Really Freaking Fast" Czismadia. The Occupation Squad then held the Fireworks Squad to no points on their next drive, and explosions could be heard for miles away as Jeison "I Will Eat You" Ortega and Alberto "I’m New" Benitez continually faced off on the line.

Unable to get to the first down marker, Fox was forced to punt and drilled the ball to the far end of the field, where Moore promptly caught it, disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared in the end zone to make the score 18-6.

"We should have just gone for it on fourth," Fox said to his team. "Now they have another touchdown, and my foot hurts to boot. Get it? To boot?"

The Combustion Squad regained control of the ball, but quickly fell short on downs. In a last ditch effort, Bertsch lined up as QB on fourth down and with acting skills that Merryl Streep would be proud of, turned around and faked the hand-off to Ortega.

"I thought I really had it!" Ortega said after the game. "That’s why I ran for a touchdown, too!"
Bertsch then turned and threw the ball to Fox, who was deflagged steps from the end zone by Benitez, and the yellow team turned the ball over on downs.

Moore wanted to flex his muscles as a receiver again and Czismadia stepped up as quarterback for the JOBs. He shot a pass to Susie "I Touched Papelbon’s Ass" Harding, which was batted out of the air by a scrambling Douillette. Villy then regained his composure on the next play and sent the ball hurtling through the air towards Moore, who caught it to put the score at a daunting 24-6.

"Um… we should probably score, I want Smithwicks to be proud of me …" Smith said, as she snapped the ball to John "I’m Quarterback!!!!!" Bertsch. An easy pass to Fox brought in the Firing Squad’s second touchdown and marked the close of the first half.


After a record 13 second halftime, the Firing Squad regained the ball and Nick "Now I Know How Davin Feels" Fox led his team down the field with some quick passes to Smith and Ortega and a long pass to Bertsch for an easy touchdown on his first play as a receiver.


When the JOB Squad got the ball back, Moore threw the ball and Ortega tipped it right back into his hands. Moore gained a few yards on this pass to himself, aided by strong blocking by Harding and Wong and by his ability to bend his body like Gumby to avoid anybody getting close enough to his waist to grab a flag.

Moore’s peculiar waist

Benitez proved his worth as a Rookie of the Game by scoring his team’s next 12 points. Moore found him for a touchdown and Benitez later caught a perfect pass from Bellini and ran that in for a touchdown as well – the only problem was, they were on different teams.


The score was stretched to 36-18 in favor of the Profession Squad, at which time it became apparent that Davin Wilfrid sucks. Bellini resorted to desperate measures and nearly ripped all of Wong's clothes off in an effort to de-flag her.


"Please don’t be naked!" He said as he peeked through the fingers he’d held up to cover his eyes.

Jason Renda suddenly appeared at the side of the field, but left, sulking, when he saw that Wong did, in fact, still have all her clothes on.


Fox resumed his role as QB and resident tall person on the field and threw the ball to Wes "Sometimes Benny Lets Me Out" Hosking, who had miraculously recovered from the career-ending injury he suffered when he first walked onto the field.


Hosking jogged it in for an pretty touchdown and his team lined up immediately, knowing they needed to score on its next two drives, but time ran out as Moore handed the ball off to Susie "Malternatives" Harding, who was deflagged before she made it to the end zone to end the game.

"Well, it’s hard to run with a Mikes Hard [that’s what she said!!!] Iced Tea in your hands, but I did the best I could!" Harding proclaimed.


Yellow Team Captain Fox declined to comment, but this picture of him was taken shortly after the game ended. He was last seen in Mexico with Jessica Simpson.