Creepy Sportscaster Defeats Hoards of Zombies, Scott Priest is Still Afraid

by Jill Valentine

Adam Gelinas’ pre-game blood sacrifice at the hands of Jeison Ortega did little to help his team as the Rachel Nichols All-S.T.A.R.S. defeated Zombie Fox Apocalypse in a staggering 54 – 26 victory.

"They should have known better," Matt Moore was overheard saying to Davin Wilfrid after the game, "Zombies don’t bleed!!"

Wilfrid unfortunately couldn’t hear him - he was curled in the fetal position muttering "not my brains … you can’t have my brains …"

The Zombies won the [sixth] coin toss but the team’s lucky streak was shattered immediately during the first play of the game, when a Scott Priest super-spiral to temporary captain Joanna "Nick Fox is Going to Kill Me" Douillette was intercepted by Wilfrid and promptly run in for a touchdown.

Wilfrid sealed the deal with a short pass to Matt "McQuarters is Cool" Moore for the extra point, thus commencing the All-S.T.A.R.S.’s extermination of the Zombie hoards.

The S.T.A.R.S. quickly scored again on their next possession with another surprisingly good pass from Wilfrid to Moore, bringing the score to 13-0.

"Well, Davin Wilfrid sucks, but he’s bound to get lucky once or twice," said yellow-team QB and heartthrob Scott Priest. "I can’t be the only one who looks good out here."

Hankering to give the All-S.T.A.R.S. the old one-two, Priest propelled his team on a long drive down the field, organizing them on the line and always remembering to say "please" and "thank you."

Ryan "I Can Draw" Sawyer got his first career reception and then sat down on the field to draw a picture of it. A long pass that Adam "I Have a Camera" Gelinas caught by the tips of his fingers ended in the Zombies’ first touchdown and Priest’s short pass to Sean Warnock got the yellow team back in the game, making the score 13-7.

"We just wanted to lull them into a false sense of security," John Bertsch said later as he sipped an iced tea. "They didn’t know that Davin put a homing device in the football, that’s why his passes were actually good today and we were never worried. But I won’t complain about this until next week if they’re foolish enough to put me on a different team."

At press time these rumors were unconfirmed, although during one play, Matt Walsh was spotted hiding in the bushes with a remote control.

The Rachel Nichols Constellations dominated the rest of the first half. Vilmos Csizmadia and Sean "Please Don’t Send Me to France Again" McLoughlin helped their team with short passes and good blocking skillz, and Wilfrid and Moore each padded their stats with another touchdown apiece.

"Yeah, it was a good game," said Csizmadia. "Everytime Davin wanted to throw it to Bertsch, I had to be on my toes because I know that’s code for him throwing it to me."

During one (un)memorable play, every single red team member lined up to the right. When the yellow team said "Aha! We’ve got you now!" and rushed in, Wilfrid took advantage of their gullibility and ran in the other direction, shouting "THIS PLAY IS CALLED DESK CHAIR!"

Douillette was later heard saying "That play name sucks."

The teams’ fans dwindled away as Laura Casasanto, Scott Glazer, and Jenny Wong left the athletes high and dry, apparently disappointed in the lack of cute puppies and babies crossing the field. Moore assumed time-keeper responsibilities as the Dead Fox Team made a last bid for points before half-time.

Priest found Gelinas in the end zone for an easy touchdown, then attempted to run in the ball himself for the extra point. Even though 13 eyewitnesses and a cat that was walking by all claimed he broke the plane, it was ruled that the red team’s sucky QB deflagged him just in time to prevent the score.

After halftime, the Zombies quickly scored again with a third pass to Gelinas and a successful extra point, bringing the score to a respectable 26-20.

The excitement was short-lived as the Zombies’ apocalypse became more like a party where nobody remembered to bring beer.

Wilfrid threw a long, hard, deep (that’s what she said) pass to Matt "TNA Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means" Moore, which bounced off Priest’s hands, Moore’s head, the playground slide, and my car, only to land back in Moore’s hands. Then Bertsch decided to join the game and got a two-point conversion.

The Zombies did everything they could to get back into the game, including a lot of short runs and quick passes that fell just shy of the first yard lines, and a short pass to Douillette that led to a long, seemingly unstoppable run until Moore grabbed both her flags and brought the play to a crashing halt a few yards away from a touchdown.

The Davin-to-Moore connection, much like the connection between Harry Potter and You-Know-Who, was powerful, almost as if they could read each others minds... Even Sean "I Need a Scrunchie" Warnock’s 17.5 sacks, Sawyer’s tough blocks, and Bellini’s repeated standoffs with Cara Bradley did little to slow the pace of the red team’s offense.

"What did you expect?" Stephanie Smith asked after the game. "Zombies are dead. And foxes can’t carry footballs, their jaws are too small. That team didn’t stand a chance."

Her team went on to score 22 unanswered points, including a play where the Reanimated Bodies’ snap went over Padre’s head. He fell on the ball, then Wilfrid, Bertsch, McLoughlin, Benny, and Brad Pitt fell on him, too. He was ruled down in the opposing team’s end zone and the Rachel Nichols Flaming Balls of Gas in the Sky got a two point conversion.

A highlight of the game was the "Blondes vs. Brunettes" matchup among the girls. Stephanie "Not the Porn Star One, the Other One" Smith and Cara "If You Mess With Me I’ll Put You On Bus Duty" Bradley repeatedly lined up against Joanna "They’ll Never Let Me Be Captain Again" Douillette and Susie "I’m Bigger Than You" Harding.

In the end the blondes prevailed with at least one reception each, cute outfits, and major sex appeal, proving unequivocally that they do, in fact, have more fun.

As the game drew to a close, the All-S.T.A.R.S. found themselves with a considerable point lead and decided to try a couple of hair-brained schemes to break the game open beyond all repair. To add insult to injury, they resorted to Douillette’s patented Mermaid and Boxcar plays, plays that Douillette’s own team had been rejecting throughout the game.

Scott "Why the Hell Not" Priest offered up his coveted QB position to anybody who wanted it. "Davin sucks so much, I just can’t take it," he said.

"That’s what she said," Gelinas whispered. Then he left to build a canoe. He was last seen sailing down the Mississippi.

Warnock stepped up and had an admirable debut as QB and NEW team dreamboat. He scanned the field to find passing options, but gave up when he saw McLoughlin was covering everybody at once. Instead, Warnock ran for over 20 yards to make what would be the last touchdown of the game.

The sun set on a 54-26 victory for Rachel Nichol’s Evil Twin, effectively snapping Susie’s never-lost-a-game streak, although I have been informed by several sources that Renda said he’s here for her if she wants to "talk."