Early miscues open door to 43-20 rout for Team Yellow

by Arantxa Sanchez Vicario

Late in the fourth quarter of Team Yellow's 43-20 victory over Team Red at Ellis Stadium on Saturday, diminutive Team Yellow flanker Susie Harding grabbed rookie QB Davin Wilfrid by the collar and barked into his face.

"I'm going down the left sideline. I'll be open. Throw me the fucking ball," Harding demanded.

Wilfrid received the ensuing snap, looked right, and fired left to a wide-open Harding, who charged into the end zone for Team Yellow's only extra point conversion of the contest.

That play was about the only precise thing that happened in a game obscured by intermittent rainfall, near-freezing temperatures, gale winds, and Matteo Gulla's insane play calling.

Team Yellow jumped out to an early lead on the first drive of the game when a broken play opened a huge hole for Wilfrid, who scrambled into the end zone. Wilfrid took advantage of Kyle Breidenstine's McNabb-like passing on the first Team Red possession, intercepting a pass and running it back for Team Yellow's second touchdown.

Yellow would finish the half with a 30-0 lead on the strength of touchdown passes to Scott "I really wasn't that psyched to come here today" Priest and Vilmos "The Wrist" Csizmadia, and another interception return.

Team Red regrouped in the second half
as Breidenstine and Ken "Hi, I'm Ken" Scott alternated at QB. Red found its running and short passing game as Breidenstine, Scott, Matt Moore, Mike Melo, and Sean Edwards took turns rifling through the backfield for short yardage gains. Edwards also set the all-time flag football record for amount of times getting tackled as his flags crept inch-by-inch up under his rain-soaked gray hoodie.

Moore had two picks and Edwards one as Red stormed back, largely on the strength of Joann Douillette's homegrown "Mermaid" play, in which invisible sea creatures breathe life back into Tom Hanks.

Team Red also found new life in the play of Alissa "Peyton" Nelson. Like her hero, Nelson was accurate, competent, and jovial while winning -- and then blamed her teammates for the loss. Nelson will now star in 67 off-season commercials.

Also setting the tone for Team Red was Stephanie Smith, whose innovative blocking techniques kept Gulla at bay on the line of scrimmage. After each snap, Gulla could be heard moaning "I think that's holding..." as he was dragged to his demise in four inches of freezing mud.

Gulla also won the Microsoft Vista
award for needlessly overcomplicated play-calling for his three-act play in which temp QB Dana was supposed to feign anger at Csizmadia's off-positioning and walk away, leaving the ball to be snapped to real QB Wilfrid. Explaining the play took longer than did the play itself, which resulted in a sack.

Anyway, Red pulled within striking distance at 30-20, but then Yellow found its game again as Nick Fox adroitly picked off a Scott pass and ran it back for a TD. Harding contributed a huge pick-off late in the game.

Game 2 is this Saturday. Same time, same place.