Five Burning Questions Roundtable

Banter between Nick and Matt with predictions from Scott and answers from Laura, the length of which correspond to the number of the question.

1. How long can Stephanie Smith continue to get away with holding?

Laura on the Level: Forever.

Matt: First of all, I don't know what you are talking about. She has legally anchored a rock-solid line for my team two weeks in a row. However, if she tries any of this so-called "holding" now that she's no longer on my team? She won't last one play. I have a Mr. Eric Warner ready to regulate. It will be like the boulder in the cave in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Except the boulder runs him over this time. And there will be Nazis on the field. And Gimli.

Nick: I think you must be getting bad intel, because word on the street is that Eric Warner will be getting his lion's mane of hair trimmed for more aerodynamic rushing in future games, and thus won't be present on game day

Matt: Why don't you answer the question at hand, Hillary. That fact is, we won't tolerate any holding. Matteo will run an errand right through her.

Nick: The real fact is this: We're a well-coached, well-respected team in this league, with good fundamentals. Get down in your best three point stance and bring it.

Padre's Prediction: Holding? What holding? All I know is Stephanie Smith is a lovely wife and mother. She should not be questioned ever.



2. Who will step up as quarterback for Moore Guts More Glory?

Laura on the Level: Matt Walsh.

Nick: I think "step up" is a misnomer here, because it implies someone is going to do well, and I just don't see that happening against the Yellow Team (The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over the Lazy Moore) defense.

Matt: Your team name now sounds like a Fall Out Boy song. Which is ironic, because their songs also suck. Look, we will be fine at quarterback. We have about five potential candidates depending on the situation. You've seen how QB rotations can work. Look at the Cardinals this year. And look at the Bears...I mean the Falcons...I mean--you know what the Redskins suck.

Nick: While you spend time on song names, we'll spend our time developing a defensive scheme to get keep Davin on pace for his 20 INT, hall of fame season.

Matt: The song title that best describes Davin's pick total? Smashing Pumpkins - "Zero." Our collective TD to INT ratio? Tool - "Forty-Six and 2"

Padre's Prediction: I foresee a Renda/Breidenstine/Moore cycle depending on matchups. I think the playbook will have to be creative--misdirection, running plays, options, etc. That, or Leigh Murphy.



3. How will Adam Gelinas, Kristen Marvelle, Stephanie Casey, and Leigh Murphy fare in their debut?

Laura on the Level: Very well, thanks.

Matt: Is this a serious question? The Big Four have the privilege of playing on my team, and they will prove any doubter wrong. Gelinas and Casey will bring their softball prowess to the gridiron. Leigh is more famous than anyone on the field. As for Kristen? Well, I don't even want to hint at what's shes scheming for this weekend. Just know that she is the Kordell Stewart of this team--think versatility sans abysmal play. They are like Superman, Ivan Drago, Achilles, and, Jason Vorhees. The only things that can stop them are kryptonite, Rocky, an arrow to the heel, and Corey Feldman.

Nick: I don't want to focus on the negatives of the newcomers (though there are many). Instead, let's focus on the positives - none of them are playing on my team.

Matt: I'm going to go talk to Sean about pop culture references since you clearly can't keep up.

Nick: If you think it's tough to keep up with Sean's 80s New England Sports references, just wait until you see him shredding your secondary on game day

Padre's Prediction:
- Gelinas will be slower than expected as the camera around his neck will probably weigh him down a bit. Padre's prediction: 6 receptions, 58 yards, 2 broken lenses.

- Steph Casey's performance will be entirely decided upon whether she wears her highstockings, and also whether Matt Moore keeps her the requisite 20 feet away from Renda as required by Massachusetts law. Padre's prediction: 4 receptions, 24 yards, one completed TD pass on a trick play, one "accidental" kick to Couch's groin.

- I heard Kristen Marvelle say that she would do anything for the victory, and that's the kind of spirit Matt Moore values, so I expect only great things from her. Padre's prediction: 1 victory.

- Leigh Murphy: We all know Leigh is more famous than Dana Carvey. But what about Tom Brady? Randy Moss? Craphonso Thorpe? These will be the questions Leigh needs to answer Saturday. Padre's prediction: 2 receptions, 9 yards, 1 carry, 23 yards, 47 unreturned zingers tossed Matt Moore's way.



4. How strong will the Davin Wilfrid/Sean Edwards connection be?

Laura on the Level: More than you know.

Nick: As crystal clear, perfectly crafted, and glisteningly beautiful as a 10 karat diamond.

Matt: Yeah, a blood diamond. While you fantasize about materialistic, fleeting beauty gained through the evils of capitalism, I will dream up the ultimate defensive scheme to disrupt this duo. You think the Tampa 2 was good? You like the New Jersey trap? My Belichickian playmaking will make Wilfrid/Freddie Mitchell as successful as the Spears/Federline marriage.

Nick: Let's get back to the question at hand. How strong is this combo? Too strong! (Remember the Titans reference, anyone?) As in, too strong for your excuse for cornerbacks.

Matt: You want strong? Try some delicious Natty Ice. You want a fake football team motto? Try CLEAR EYES. FULL HEARTS. CAN'T LOSE. (Friday Night Lights--please watch Friday nights at 9 p.m. on NBC so it doesn't get canceled). You want crap? Try Denzel Washington and the Q.B.F.J.O.T.L.M. passing attack.

Padre's Prediction: The Wilfrid/Edwards combo will rank in the annals between Joey Harrington/Roddy White and JP Losman/Lee Evans. It will rank significantly below the Priest/Moore connection. Padre's prediction: 12 completions, 100 yards, 3 touchdowns, but a losing effort, so who the fuck cares?



5. Will Matteo show up? Who will block him (if not the need to "run errands")?

Laura on the Level: Probably, like, a shiny object.

Matt: Everyone should just calm down. Last week was just Matteo being Matteo. He will be there Saturday ready to go. All we need is to find his football, put it on a leash, and tie it to his head so it won't get lost again. Quite simply, there is NO ONE in the WISFFL who can block or get by Matteo. It's like hitting a brick wall.

Nick: Will he show up? I sure hope so! Matteo might be a force on the line, but he's also a force in the huddle. Namely, calling extravagant, intricate, over-the-top 60 second plays after every down that will surely result in total confusion for their offense, and about 47 delay of game penalties as well.

Matt: Our receivers will be Gone in 60 seconds...gone into the endzone, zing! Our playmaking will be much simpler than it was for poorly managed Team Yellow. The fact that you can only lash out at his play calling ability shows how much of a force Matteo is physically. The only confusion will be Q.B.F.J.O.T.L.M. when they try to think of their team name.

Nick: Poorly managed? We won 43-20! Imagine the TDs that could have been had we not eaten up 40% of the game in the huddle. As for Matteo, we plan on neutralizing his physical ability with a mix of biting, scratching, chop blocks, and harsh words about his hair. That's right Matteo, your hair.

Padre's Prediction: If it's anything like the first game, the ground will probably do a fine job blocking Mr. Gulla.



BONUS: Who will win? MVP?

Laura on the Level: Everybody's an MVP and it's a tie.

Padre's Pregame Prediction: Moore Guts More Glory 33, Other Team 30. MVP: Matt Moore, who else? LVP: Davin Wilfrid. He sucks.