Timely Interceptions Preserve 39-37 Victory for Moore Better Than You

By Jerzy Jerz Wilfridsson

Peer advisee extraordinaire Matt Moore captained Moore Better Than You to a 39-37 victory over the Foxxxy Ladies at Ellis Hobbs III Memorial Stadium Saturday afternoon.

Moore reeled in two touchdown receptions and an extra point* before leaving in the 4th quarter because he had better things to do.

Moore’s leadership skills were questioned early on when several members of the team failed to show up to the highly anticipated matchup, for which Moore had prepared by ignoring work and saying hateful things to rival captain Nick Fox throughout the workday Friday. But when the game got under way, Moore’s team played with a coalescence unseen in the first game.

When reached for comment, Moore said, “Raaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” or at least that’s all we could hear from the death metal blaring from his car stereo.

The Foxxxy Ladies held a 31-25 lead late in the 4th when Father Scott Priest connected with someone or maybe rushed it in to tie things up at 31, he doesn’t remember. A successful extra point pushed Moore Better Than You to a one-point lead, needing a defensive stop to keep the Foxxxy Ladies from victory. On the first play of the drive Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes repped PA something fierce, running back an interception for what would prove to be the winning touchdown. The successful point-after pushed the Moore Better Than You lead to 39-31.

The Foxxxy Ladies would not go down quietly, as Ken “Nelly’s Second-Favorite Scott” Scott picked apart a tired Moore Better Than You defense, gaining a first down at midfield with a minute remaining. Scott connected with Sean “Why Don’t You Young Bastards Get My Pop Culture References from the Late-80s/Early-90s?” Edwards on a slant over the middle and Priest, playing an extremely lazy deep-safety managed to tackle Edwards ten yards outside the end zone.

Scott picked his way through the defense and the Foxxxy Ladies scored somehow, probably on a run by Edwards, or maybe it was Dana Sillers’ reception in the back of the end zone. Down 39-37, the Foxxxy Ladies faced a ten-yard two-point conversion, and lined up with Edwards in the backfield. Moore Better Than You called a timeout, adjusted its stalwart defense, and when play resumed, outside linebacker Couch Renda pulled in an interception at the goal line, icing the game.

The game was much smoother than the WIS crew’s first attempt, thanks to more open field in 7-on-7 and then 6-on-6 competition, non-hurricane-impeded conditions, and revamped playbooks for each side.

Priest, for instance, displayed a revolutionary new quarterbacking technique, throwing a remarkable 427 completed passes to linemen or slot receivers for no gain. The Padre also pulled his left, right, northwest, orthodox, south, lateral, east, middle, and medium groin muscles in his various attempts to avoid the rabid pass rushes of Eric “One of Mike Vick’s Dogs” Warner.

Moore Better Than You featured several standout receiving performances, including deep touchdown receptions by Moore and Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes. Moore and Breidenstine>Mendes each also pulled in extraordinary sideline grabs, Breidenstine>Mendes’ for a one-point conversion and Moore’s for his second TD of the day. Moore stood out as the team’s greatest celebrator, perfecting his half-spinning-semi-chest-bump-jumping-thing with Priest by his third score.

For the most part, though, it was a possession-dominated game, as Ari “a fusion of Wes Welker and Troy Brown circa 2001” Zomer hauled in several quick slants and hooks to keep drives alive, and Couch Renda had more receptions as an eligible offensive lineman than Mike Vrabel on acid.

Nelly Nelson provided an offensive spark for Moore Better Than You, running circles around her boss and boytoy, before jamming her thumb on some unknown play, which was undoubtedly Scott’s fault. Scott slept on the couch.

Davin Wilfrid sucks.

Steph “Diesel” Smith did an admirable job keeping the foaming-at-the-mouth Warner at bay, using her patented “I will blatantly hold you because no one is going to call a penalty” blocking technique to buy Priest time to scramble with the adroit running style of John Goodman in quicksand.

Wes Hosking reeled in a couple of catches, including a highlight-reel grab off a deflection off Renda’s hands for an important first down in the 3rd quarter. Said Hosking, “I do what I do, motherfuckers.”

Scott quarterbacked the Foxxxy Ladies valiantly after starting QB Joe Lauducci went down with an injury just before halftime. Scott teamed up with Fox, Edwards, Sillers, Tim Lavigne (who gets mad props for taking Lauducci to the hospital), and Mike Melo to advance the ball downfield against a bend-don’t-break Moore Better Than You defense throughout the afternoon. Warner, Chase Barrett, and Matt “Steph Smith Says I’m Cuddly” Walsh provided a solid offensive line behind which Scott was given ample time to scramble before finding open receivers.

The next game is slated for some future time, probably Saturday.

*All stats are verified through the Elias Sports Bureau. And by that, I mean that they are blatant fabrications.