WISBOWL I DRAFT

Mike Patrick: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the draft for the first annual WISBOWL Powered by SAP NetWeaver! We are coming to you live from the WIS U room, and we are being brought to you in full color HTML thanks to blogger.com. I am your host Mike Patrick, and I am joined by analyst Scott Priest and captains Nick Fox and Matt Moore. Priest will provide a critique of each pick, and Fox and Moore will be given a chance to respond. Scott, how are you looking for the draft to unfold today?

Priest: Well Mike, I have a draft board all laid out for the two captains, but between Moore’s rash impulsiveness and Nick’s general incompetence, I doubt it will have any relevance at all. Therefore, I can tell you that I have no idea.

Patrick: Nick, do you have any response to what Scott has just said? Nick…

Moore: Actually Mike, Nick never showed up. Apparently he felt his time would be better served making a roundtrip to Maryland and back today, sort of like in Week 4. Laura Casasanto will be taking his place.

Casasanto: Hi.

Patrick: Interesting…Well, let’s go now to the green room where the expected top picks are waiting to be announced. Erin?

Erin Andrews: Thanks, Mike. There is a palpable sense of excitement and anxiety here as we have Davin Wilfrid, Sean Edwards, and Kyle Breidenstine awaiting their draft position. Kyle arrived with his entourage of Adam, who is dressed in his finest suit with matching baseball cap. The third member of their group, Matteo, failed to make it here after he saw an Apple Store in the distance and decided to go computer shopping. Also, despite not receiving an invitation to the green room, Joanna Douillette is here handing out eye-black and various other trinkets to the other potential draftees. We’ll have live updates from here as the draft goes on. Back to you, Mike.

Patrick: Thank you Erin. After winning the regular season series three games to two, Moore’s Moore Money More Problems will have first pick and is now on the clock. We will return shortly with the first pick in the draft.


[The preceding was sponsored by SAP NetWeaver: www.sap.com/platform/netweaver/index.epx]

Patrick: Welcome back everyone to the WISBOWL I draft. A small group of New Jersey citizens has arrived in support of the expected #1 pick, Davin Wilfrid. Moore Money Moore Problems is on the clock, and it looks like the team has made its selection. Here comes Steven A. Smith with the announcement.

New Jersey Fans: DAV-IN! DAV-IN! DAV-IN!

Smith: WITH THE FIRST OVERALL PICK IN THE WISBOWL I DRAFT, MOORE MONEY MOORE PROBLEMS SELECT SCOTT PRIEST. (the New Jersey fans erupt in boos) THIS PICK IS DEPLORABLE. LISTEN TO THESE FANS. QUITE FRANKLY—

Patrick: Scott, our real analyst, what do you have to say about being drafted first overall?

Priest (entering Ricky Henderson mode): Well, it didn’t take long for the draft’s first surprise, with Priest usurping consensus number one pick Davin Wilfrid for the top spot. The Moore Money Moore Problems draft team must have liked what they saw in last week’s double-overtime win. Or maybe they’re drunk. The Padre *cough* me *cough* ran a 7.97 40-yard dash at the combine, resulting scouts to compare him to Tony Siragusa, a walrus, and a four-year old malnourished girl.

Patrick: OK, let’s show you Priest’s breakdown of himself:

Strengths:

- High moral fiber
- Keeping Matt Moore from ripping someone’s limbs from their body
- Sexiness

Must Improve:
- Arm strength
- Accuracy
- Decision-making
- “Football skills”

Moore: Scott, let me tell you that nobody was drunk for this pick. However, it was nearly impossible to gain consensus among my draft committee, including R.W. McQuarters, Richie Frahm, Jay Payton, and Quincy Douby. Scott led my team to tremendous victories in Weeks 2 and 3. He is very humble—his mad skillz will impress all.

Patrick: Erin, what was the reaction there when this pick was announced?

Andrews: *Makes gurgled choking sounds as Rachel Nichols is seen sucking blood from her neck.*

Nichols looks up with glowing red eyes and simply whispers “Scott” before scampering off to P3. Davin has a nervous smile, Kyle is on the phone with his girlfriend, and Sean and Adam fix their hair.

Patrick: I haven’t seen something that disgusting as a broadcaster since Joe Theismann once attempted to explain what a first down was to the audience. Uhh...we’ll be right back as we try to save Erin. The Twisted Nickers are now on the clock.

[The preceding was sponsored by E:60: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?categoryId=3060647&brand=null]


Patrick: We are back and just about ready for the second pick in the first round. First, we want to update you on Erin’s status. She has been taken to a local hospital, and her condition is listed as critical. OK, here comes Steven with the first pick for the Twisted Nickers.

Smith: WITH THE SECOND PICK OF THE WISBOWL I DRAFT, TWISTED NICKERS SELECTS SEAN EDWARDS.

Patrick: Wow, a stunned silence has fallen over the New Jersey fans, as Edwards struts his way to the stage to receive his jersey from Laura. They immediate begin booing as he smiles for the camera.

Priest: Surprising to see Wilfrid slide completely out of the first round, but it’s hard to argue Fox’s decision here. Edwards is the high-impact player Fox needs to provide some opposition to wunderkind Matt Moore. Fresh off a two-week hiatus in which Edwards groomed his lawn and played shuffleboard with his neighbors, Fox can expect big things from him in WISBowl I.

Strengths:
- Big-play ability
- Speed
- Versatility

Must Improve:
- Attendance
- Time spent at locations other than 990 Washington St., Dedham

Casasanto: You can’t argue with a pick as hard working and dedicated as Mr. Edwards. If during the game he exerts even half the energy he spends reaching out to and enticing prospective attendees with our glorious SAP wares and making obscure sports references around the office then this game is in the bag.

Patrick: We have word that Davin is quite shaken at falling out of the first round. Meanwhile, a giddy R.W. McQuarters sprints up to the podium with Moore Money More Problems’ second pick. Will this be Davin’s time? Will Moore’s team have a quarterback monopoly?

McQuarters: Excuse me, Steven, but with the third pick in the WISBOWL draft, Moore Money Moore Problems selects…Stephanie Smith.

Patrick: My, what a shocker. Davin has reportedly wiped a tear from his cheek and is now pacing around the green room. Scott, what are your thoughts on this development?

Priest: Actually, pretty much what I expected at this point: After investing the first pick in a QB, MMMP anchors the line with Steph “Diesel” Smith. Diesel learned her blocking technique by watching Jonathan Ogden and studying the attributes of duct tape.

Strengths:
- Building loving connections to those around her
- Smarts: no penalties in career
- Maternal instincts

Must Improve:
- Ability to suddenly gain 300 pounds to block Davin

Moore, now sipping a Natural Ice: Exactly, Scott. We now have the league’s best quarterback and the best offensive lineperson. Sort of like the New England Patriots. Plus, we need to have the player who named our damn team!

Patrick: And now look at this. Casasanto has left her chair and has run up to the podium to announced Twister Nickers’ pick. Surely she will take advantage of Davin still being on the board.

Casasanto: With the fourth pick in the WISBOWL I draft, Team Nickers selects Susie Harding.
Priest: A two-sport star at WIS, this catcher/receiver can do a little of everything. After taking the stoic Edwards, Fox wisely pulls in a former cheerleader. Somewhere, Jason Renda’s ears just perked up at the thought of Gooze busting out the shorts for one last time in 2007.

Strengths:
- Speed
- Stories about touching Papelbon’s ass

Must Improve:
- Bloodthirst

Patrick: With the announcement of that pick, the New Jersey fans shattered every window in here. Smith has started his own riot, now visibility perturbed after being upstaged by a Caucasian female. We may need to call in some crowd control. We will take a break and be right back.

[The preceding was sponsored by Natural Ice: www.naturallight.com/]

Patrick: We welcome our viewers back following an impromptu break after the first two rounds of the draft. Steven A. Smith and Davin’s New Jersey fans have been escorted from the building. Adam has wandered out of the green room. Several attempts to email him for some reasoning have gone unanswered. Davin received a motivational speech from Benny DiCecca after falling out of the first two rounds. Kyle is still on the phone. The blood and glass shards have been removed from the room, so we are ready to return to the draft. Picks will now be hand delivered to us and simply read here to avoid any future controversy. Matt, I believe you are ready with your third pick.

Richie Frahm enters wearing a Gonzaga jersey, trying to remember the days when he averaged more than two minutes per game. He hands the pick to Moore.

Moore: Mike, with the fifth overall pick, I choose Joanna Douillette.

Priest: MMMP continues to select players with the idea of putting together a cohesive roster. Not only does Moore look to provide another stalwart presence on the line, but also adds the proverbial Julian Tavarez to Steph Smith’s Manny Ramirez.

Strengths:
- Intensity
- Pass-catching on rollouts from the line
- Flag-grabbing

Must Improve:
- Absurd play ideas

Moore: Absurd!? I seem to remember my team scoring six on you while deploying “Werewolf.” I will kill you Scott Priest.

Patrick: Laura, please ease this sudden tension with Team Nickers’ next pick.

Casasanto: We pick…Lauren Bonneau!

Priest: Bonneau represents an effort to bolster defense by Fox, as Moore has looked entirely at his offense thus far. Bonneau registered a number of tackles that prevented big plays in Week 5, even provoking an illegal flag-blocking foul by Priest on one play after being an unstoppable defensive force throughout the game.

Strengths:
- D-FENSE (clap clap) D-FENSE (clap clap)
- Attention to the rules of the game that no one else enforces
- Solid screen pass option on offense

Must Improve:
- Time devoted to listening to Wilco

Moore, on his fifth Natty: Hah! Wilco. Try some manly music like Converge or As I Lay Dying, which just so happens to be the title of my life.

Casasanto: We just need to grab up the ladies while they’re still available. If there’s one thing that can win us this game, its more estrogen on the field.

Also, I love the song “Hummingbird.”

Patrick: I can’t quite understand how Davin Wilfrid is still available. This draft has turned into a complete coup. I don’t see how—

Moore: Mike?

Patrick: Yes Matt?

Moore: Actually can I call you Paul McGuire? I like him better.

Patrick: Please no.

Moore: Paul, we have our pick. Quincy just handed it to me. I loved his Rutgers team. He could shoot 27-foot jumpers from the giant R…

Patrick: Your pick?

Moore: Oh…yeah…we select Jason Renda. Bam!

Priest: Aside from Wilfrid, who has been removed from the facility’s green room to mourn his falling draft stock in solitude, Renda was at the top of the remaining board. Still a surprise to see here, though, as it’s unclear whether he’ll be able to focus while on the opposite team as Harding. Then again, being on the same team would have been tough too. This is Moore’s first attempt to solidify defense, after taking the relatively immobile Priest and the offensive line specialists Smith and Douillette. Renda, who has had a number of key interceptions throughout the year, including a game-clinching one in Week 3 and one in overtime in Week 5, will provide another lockdown corner option opposite Moore.

Strengths:
- Identifying favorable matchups in the opponents’ defense
- Quickness
- Motorcycle riding
- Defensive backfield abilities
- Groping

Must Improve:
- Dancing to the Pointer Sisters

Moore: I like Friday Night Lights.

Patrick: OK…I am at a loss for words right now. Laura, do you have your next pick?

Casasanto: Indeed I do. With the eight overall pick, Team Nickers selects MatWeaver, Matt Walsh.

Priest: Walsh is a bit of a mystery to the scouting dept. Seriously, I just don’t know him that well.

Strengths:
- Not sure, seems to be an upstanding citizen, though

Must improve:
- Probably some stuff

Casasanto: Though I haven’t witnessed it myself, word has spread about the sheer power of Mr. Walsh to run a dungeon when outnumbered by as many as six gnomes. I can’t pass up that ability.

Patrick: Matt can rest easy now after fearing he would be picked last, just like the good old days in middle school.

Moore: Level 70! N00b! Hah! Next pick for me! Vilmos! W00t!

Priest: I’m going to butt in here before Moore embarrasses himself further. Another receiving threat over the middle, The Hungarian Barbarian leads WIS in sweet nicknames and inappropriate mass emails sent. An easy selection.

Strengths:
- Route-running creativity

Must Improve:
- Not breaking his wrist

Patrick: Laura, quick, to you.

Casasanto: Team Nickers takes Adam Gelinas next.

Priest: Gelinas fills a big need for Fox’s team as a speedy slot receiver to fill in the gaps created by Edwards’ big-play ability and Fox’s usually deeper routes. Excellent selection.

Strengths:
- Photographically documenting all WIS activities and then generously sharing the pictures with everyone
- Speed
- Throwing snowballs

Must Improve:
- Accuracy at throwing snowballs

Casasanto: Boo yea! Scott called my pick “excellent”! Eat that MMMP!

Patrick: This is shaping up to be quite the game. We will be right back with the final two rounds of the draft. Kyle is still chilling in the green room. We may need someone to run and get Davin if he ever gets drafted…

[The preceding was sponsored by Friday Night Lights: www.nbc.com/Friday_Night_Lights]

Patrick: Finally, after one of the longest days of my life, we are ready for the final portion of our WISBOWL I draft. Matt, are you OK? You seem to have a vacant, slightly pained expression on your face as you stare off into space.

Moore: Eleventh pick. Kyle XY.

Patrick: Finally, another pick from the green room. Kyle saunters past the desk as he receives his jersey from Jay Payton.

Priest: The pride of Shoemakersville, PA provides another receiving threat for Priest. Scouts reported that Breidenstine shaved a whopping 3.5 seconds off his 40-yard dash time after losing his sexy but weighty beard.

Strengths:
- Catching the ball and then running with it
- Hating Adam

Must Improve:
- Pizza eating. He was pathetic.

Moore, suddenly back to life: Did I ever tell you that Jay Payton single-handedly won me the 2003 fantasy baseball season? He faced Scott Linebrink during the last game on the last day of the fantasy season. He hit a 3-run homer that made me a champion!

Patrick: Ugh. Laura, please save us.

Casasanto: OK, with the twelfth pick, Nick wants me to take Tim Lavigne.

Priest: Lavigne is also a mystery to the scouting dept. after being the emergency caretaker of Joe Lauducci during his Joe Theismann moment. Lavigne presents the MMMP defense the difficulty of defending him as they will have to feel out his strengths during the course of WISBOWL I.

Strengths:
- I’m assuming he’s a good possession receiver.

Must Improve:
- Let’s say blocking, just so it’s not blank.

Casasanto: Barring a hung-over arrival, I think this may be one of our strongest picks.

Patrick: I’m almost afraid to ask this. Matt, there is one player remaining to take. We all know who it is. Who do you select.

Moore: I choose…I choose…I choose…Midget Mac!

Priest: Davin Wilfrid sucks.

Patrick: I’m stunned. Laura, I suppose it is Team Nickers’ pick once again. We can’t end this thing until Davin gets drafted. Please take him.

Casasanto: Team Nickers does! And not in that now-it’s-awkward-and-we’re-picking-him-out-of-pity way, but we really wanted him the whole time, I swear. Congrats Davin! You’re part of the Nick’s! (and that apostrophe is a placeholder for the “er,” it doesn’t signify the possessive form of “Nick”)

Priest: Wilfrid’s precipitous fall comes to an end: Mr. Irrelevant must overcome his bruised ego to quarterback Fox’s team in the biggest game of the season. The question is, will we see one of his rocket throws “accidentally” pelt Fox in the face to send a message?

Strengths:
- Smiles a lot
- He’s actually good at football
- Blogging

Must Improve:
- Suckitude

Patrick: Thank god that’s over. I have to say, the final teams are actually quite competitive and should make for an excellent WISBOWL Powered by SAP NetWeaver. We hope to see everyone at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium at noon on Saturday. The commissioners have a lot of surprises planned. Thank you for joining us! I need some Tylenol.

Draft Recap (round, overall pick):

Moore Money Moore Problems:
Matt Moore (N/A)
Scott Priest (1, 1)
Stephanie Smith (2, 3)
Joanna Douillette (3, 5)
Jason Renda (4, 7)
Vilmos Csizmadia (5, 9)
Kyle Breidenstine (6, 11)

Twisted Nickers:
Nick Fox (N/A)
Sean Edwards (1, 2)
Susie Harding (2, 4)
Lauren Bonneau (3, 6)
Matt Walsh (4, 8)

Adam Gelinas (5, 10)
Tim Lavigne (6, 12)
Davin Wilfrid (7, 13)