Fox, expecting call from Hall of Fame any day now, leads Flock of Seagulls to victory

def.

Nick "The Artist Formerly Known as Stonehands" Fox pulled in three touchdown receptions to lead Flock of Seagulls to a 28-18 victory over Raven's Flock Wednesday evening in Norwood.

Following an embarrassing beatdown the previous week, Fox teamed up with Father Scott Priest for three scores and a handful of other catches on a day known for its defense over offense.

The game, after a half-hour delay to allow Vilmos "The Hungarian Stare-ian" Csizmadia to ogle a junior high girls' lacross practice, started out with Matt Moore's Raven's Flock (RF) receiving the ball. After a series of completed passes, Davin Wilfrid Sucks threw an interception to Branden "Taking it deep" Mackenzie, to open the door for Flock of Seagulls (FOS).

QB Father Scott Priest opened the drive with a screen pass to Fox, who did his best Joanna Douillette impression and took it the length of the field for the game's first score. Hating to be compared to Douillette, Fox mauled a nearby dog and graffiti'd the field's signage.

Another interception, this time by Christian "Matteo without the goofy smile" Zuniga, put FOS in good field position. The Padre hit Sean "Deion Sanders without the bling" Warnock for a TD to go up two scores, and completed the two-point conversion to put the score to 14-0.

RF temporarily solved FOS's typically lockdown defense by scoring on a deep pass to Jay "Clubhouse Cancer" Henry with a few minutes to go before halftime. Looking to get the score back, the Padre put on his proverbial Drew Bledsoe jersey and promptly threw a ball into quintuple coverage, which Matt Moore came away with and returned for the score. A FOS stop kept the score at 14-12.

After a 12 nanosecond halftime, FOS returned to the field without Mackenzie, who took it a little too deep and injured his groin, but was replaced by Cara Bradley, who spent the entire second half physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally abusing Jeison Bellini Ortega.

Priest forgot that he still had that goddamn Bledsoe jersey on and failed again, this time being sacked and failing to get a 1-yard completion on 4th down. Jay "I'll make Ryan Leaf's postgame interviews look like a chat with Barbara Walters" Henry, Wilfrid Sucks, and Moore were confusing the bejesus out of Priest on defense and he didn't appreciate it much at all.

The short field and a positively D'Brickashaw Ferguson-like o-line performance by Bellini allowed Wilfrid Sucks to find Nelly Nelson for a great catch over the middle, setting up a Wilfrid Sucks scamper for the touchdown. A failed conversion attempt found RF up 18-14, but a quick drive ending in another Fox touchdown (we're as surprised as you, dear reader) put FOS back in front at 20-18.

Matt's flock would not be denied, however, and still felt momentum on their side and other such athletic cliches.

Though physically spent and without a substitute due to Mackenzie's groinal ouchies, FOS locked down on the RF attack, with Warnock, Zuniga, and Csizmadia teaming up for a consistent pass rush. Wilfrid Sucks attempted on several occasions to connect with the typically dynamic Moore, but failed on account of miscommunication and the Padre being draped on him like a stubbly 19-year old frat boy on Miley Cyrus. Gross. Wilfrid Sucks worked his way around this by connecting with John Bertsch, whose baby blue t-shirt was absolutely stunning, on short passes, and advancing the ball with quarterback rushes.

RF got the ball into the red zone, but on 4th and goal Wilfrid Sucks forced the ball to Moore and Priest stepped in front for the pick. With the sun going down like [edited for mature content], FOS collected themselves and looked for the insurance score. With under two minutes on the clock, Padre rolled out to the right, evaded a charging Wilfrid Sucks and spun around Bellini, finding Fox one stride ahead of Jay "I make Carl Everett look like Kevin Millar" Henry over the middle. Fox took it to the house and Priest ran in the 2-point conversion to put the lead out of reach.

When reached for comment, Moore dug up a gas line under the field, lit it on fire, and then inhaled exhaust fumes in his garage for 3 hours.

Fox was so pleased with his Jerry Rice impression that he enrolled in Dancing with the Stars.

Wilfrid Sucks, who threw more interceptions (4) than completions to his star receiver Moore (negative-8), found solice in his iPhone. "She just knows when I need her," sobbed the Norwegian zombie slayer.

WISFFL Wire #1

Welcome to the first ever weekly WISFFL Wire, a feature that will (hopefully) be updated every Friday with news, rumors, dirt, and lies. And maybe some extra cool add-ins along the way...

- Warnock, Adam, Jay Henry, and Branden MacKenzie all made their long-awaited debuts this past Wednesday in the second game of the spring season. While Henry was brand new to the roster this season, the others had previously been held back by skiing (Warnock), hangovers (MacKenzie), and a wealth of excuses disguising overall apathy (Adam).

All four players impressed on the field, including a long distance touchdown pass from Henry to MacKenzie, and two ridiculous sacks by a sneaky and blindingly quick Warnock. Adam was said to have stunned the members of Rescue! 911 when he decided to hustle a few times when he got the ball.


- Two more WISFFL players plan to make their debuts next week. Alissa Nelson will be reinstated from the Injured Reserve after realizing how much more exciting it can be to play rather than watch from the sidelines. Cara Bradley will also be making her first appearance as a player following her stint as the first ever WISFFL referee at WISBowl I Powered by SAP NetWeaver. This will be the first time a conference coordinator will suit up to play.

- Quarterback Davin Wilfrid has yet to step onto the field this season. He has been to the doctors to be examined a few times following the beating he took at the hand of Joanna Douillette and Stephanie Smith during the WISBowl. A recent analysis of Wilfrid's brain can be seen here. Not surprising, there appears to be no room for "quarterback decision-making skills" in his brain.

- There are rumblings that the WISFFL will be instituting open hunting season for poachers at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium in order to take care of the recent dog infestation problems.

- Following his appearance at the TNA Lockdown pay-per-view last Sunday, WISFFL co-chairman Matt Moore is hoping to sign a deal with the company to appear in a way similar to Pacman Jones last year. When contacted about this news, TNA Wrestling president Dixie Carter said, "Who?"

- On the sidelines during Wednesday's game, Sean Edwards held an impromptu interview session to declare his eligibility for next weekend's NFL Draft. He was forced to address concerns after recently losing to Alissa in his 40-yard dash race with her at the WISFFL combine. In addition, there have been reports of Edwards engaging in a bar fight at The Four's with Montreal Canadiens fans following game four of the Habs' series with the Boston Bruins.

- It appears that rumors of an over-35 team forming were grossly exaggerated. Fans don't know whether to upset that the showdown will not happen or whether to be happy that they won't have to see every high-level manager at WIS go down with an injury.

- There are, however, reports are swirling about a battle of the sexes match-up pitting a select group of female WIS employees taking on a group of male employees. Potential captain of the men's team Matt Moore is confident that the girls would be shut out and even listed his probably starting lineups for possible women's captain Joanna. This was followed by approximately two minutes of football strategy among the girls and then 30 minutes of discussion of t-shirt designs.

Week 2 Photos

Pictures taken by Laura Casasanto

Full album available upon request

Game recap follows below the pictures

Rescue! 911 lines up to defend against America's Most Wanted for the first full game of the Spring Season

Cowboy James Storm Matt Moore hauls in a touchdown pass

Rescue! 911 huddles up to discuss strategy


Bicycle parade 1 of 7 interrupts the game


Branden MacKenzie heaves a pass downfield

America's Most Wanted finds a squatting huddle to be most effective

Jason Renda and Sean Warnock frolic together at the jungle gym

Alissa Nelson and Cara Bradley show up in their funeral best to cheer on both teams

Picture of the Week: Stephanie Smith blitzes an unsuspecting Scott Priest

Scott Priest makes a touchdown saving flag grab on Sean Edwards

Sean Edwards dances through the AMW secondary

A scrambling Jay Henry can't evade Joanna Douillette at the 10-yard line

Adam smirks at Edwards' futile flag grab attempt

America's Most Wanted Go Long, Deep in 47-18 Rout of Rescue! 911

by Handsome Ink

Relying on tipped catches, one-handed grabs, and a 28-minute, 43-yard completion to Adam Tokarz, America's Most Wanted captured a dominating victory Wednesday afternoon at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium in Norwood.

Team captain and ambassador to all that is good and holy Matt Moore paced AMW with more than a dozen catches and a stellar stint at safety on defense, earning MVP honors and forgiveness for naming the teams after what surely is some retarded wrestling reference. He caught the game's opening touchdown on a 4,637-yard bomb by Father Scott Priest. The pass, clocked at 569 miles per hour and producing 12 billion joules of energy, was said to have disrupted radar signals at Logan Airport and produced a sonic boom that struck a 400-mile-wide crater in one of Jupiter's moons. But that was said by Priest, so, you know, take it for what it is.

America's Most Wanted: Awesome former TNA tag team (James Storm, Chris Harris, and Gail Kim) AND retarded wrestling reference.

AMW clamped down on D and then quickly added two more scores; by the time Laura "the Gisele to Just Glaze's Tom Brady" Casasanto signaled the end of the first quarter it had the makings of a blowout with AMW up 19-0. But Nick "so this is how Redskins players feel, huh?" Fox would not be shut out, composuring his team to a TD to get on the scoreboard before the half.

The second half was marred by cute dogs and families of twelve crossing the field. Joanna "I half-assed the combine" Douillette managed to overcome her puppy love and haul in the longest touchdown of the day, a screen pass that turned into a 55-yard TD. Douillette promptly dropped the ball, hopped the nearest fence, stole a neighbor's dachsund, and bolted for the parking lot. She is unlikely to be heard from again.

Douillette was flanked on the line by Moore, Adam, and Susie "Gooztastic" Harding, who prided herself on being a decoy and wearing University of Miami gear. We could not confirm whether this was Miami of Ohio or Florida at press time, but Wally Szczerbiak was seen loitering in the parking lot with his fingers crossed.

Sean "Badass Last Name" Warnock made the highlight play of the day with a one-handed grab across the middle that he turned into a first down. "I just do what I do, motherfuckers," the stoic Warnock was quoted as saying. Or rather, I imagined it. Warnock escaped many a quick tackle by planting his feet and reversing direction abruptly after catching passes. He has a 9:30 a.m. conference call with Joe Lauducci to discuss the merits of this method.

Rescue! 911 was led by newcomers Brandon "Remember ME?!?!?!?!" Mackenzie and Jason "Scott doesn't know me well enough so I am nicknameless" Henry, who took turns quarterbacking. Henry won the QB race, helming the position at the end of the game, but Mackenzie dismissed the competition by saying, "He just got my sloppy seconds, bro."

"Since Davin Wilfrid sucks, Jason may very well continue to be the second QB we use in WISFFL," said league co-chairman Fox. "He really spread it wide, and he was able to adjust based on penetration."

Steph "Diesel" Smith continued the bruising line play she demonstrated this winter, tearing past Douillette and being all up in the Padre's grill-piece on most AMW completions plays. She played as rough as everyone was comfortable with, without, you know, being weirded out. Without Eric Warner there to bodyslam her, she continued undeterred, grinding all through the game.

The AMW defense swallowed usual breakout player Sean Edwards, who even failed to get off a quality pop culture reference. Eleven female Dorchester residents confirmed that this was not the first time Edwards failed to get off.

"I couldn't shake all the 'that's what she said' jokes," said Edwards. "Everyone really psyched me out by making their own obvious jokes, I just couldn't join in on the fun."

AMW's defense -- a hybrid of the '08 Celtics, the '85 Bears, and a Venus fly trap -- put in one of the strongest performances in WISFFL history. "We have to credit Matt Moore and his incredible game plan," said the Padre, who registered a game-high nine incidental (as far as you know) crotch-grabs. (Hey, Lauren!)

Babydaddy Renda left the game early with a bruised ego motorcycle.

Lauren Bonneau provided a spark of offense to the Rescue! 911 cause, reeling in a couple of screen passes and scampering for YAC. Yes, scampering.

By the time it was all over, Cara Bradley's abacus read 47-18 and Alissa Nelson sent Ken Scott-Nelson a text message that read "U no ur my 2nd fvrte. Ill b w/ Scott 2nite, c u 2morrow."

AMW went hard for the entire hour and a half and, when everyone came together at the end, exclaimed in exultation.

(That's what she said.)

Edwards catches passes, references culture, in 58-43 Great Scotts Victory

by Handsome Ink

Fighting hangovers, cute dog distractions, a near-crippling lack of energy, and 6 billion tons of mud, The Great Scotts outslopped The Heat Posse in a 58-43 victory Saturday afternoon at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field.

The game was won in the 3rd quarter, when Nick Fox’s Great Scotts clamped down on defense. At the half, The Heat Posse led 31-19. The Great Scotts marched down the field with a rare efficient drive, as Father Scott Priest hit Nick “I swear these gloves help me catch shit” Fox, Sean “Pop Culture’s Dennis Miller” Edwards, and Laura “a hybrid of Wes Welker, Wayne Chrebet, and Rachael Leigh Cook” Casasanto for passes on the touchdown drive.

The Great Scotts then instituted an important defensive change as Fox recognized that Priest had a Manny Ramirez-esque interest in running, which, along with poor instincts and a “watching the backfield” addiction, made him a poor safety. Priest switched onto Scott “Just Glaze” Glazer while Fox roamed the secondary – and immediately picked off a pass, returning it for a touchdown to take what would be a permanent lead. The Great Scotts followed it up with another interception return for a touchdown, this time by the Padre, to widen the lead.

The Great Scotts went on to dominate the 3rd quarter, scoring 26, including three “pick-sixes” (apologies to all ESPN employees, who each individually think they invented the term) while yielding zero, and poured on a couple more scores in the 4th to secure the victory.

Edwards, the game’s MVP, did nothing other than fake-boxing Stephanie “Diesel” Smith in the first half (“We were like Houdini crossed with Oscar de la Hoya, sans the gayness,” said Edwards), and then proclaimed to Priest that he needed to get his head in the game for the second half. He promptly scored a couple of touchdowns, extra points, and made some fine defensive plays.

“I felt the same sort of exhilaration that Brian feels when he sings “Never Gonna Give You Up” on that Family Guy episode,” said Edwards.

Newcomer Sean “Matt Moore can’t pronounce my last name” McLoughlin stepped in admirably as emergency QB upon his arrival in the 2nd quarter, evening up the rosters at 4 apiece, and forcing Priest to abandon his extremely cushy all-time QB role and actually have to play defense.

McLoughlin spread the ball around to all members of the team, including several short passes to Steph Diesel and Just Glaze, who took advantage of The Great Scotts’ “None of Us Are as Fast as Matt Moore, So Let’s All Guard Him” defensive strategy.

The Diesel found motivation in passersby. “I was a little sluggish there at the beginning, but only cause that woman with the two dogs came by. There were TWO OF THEM. They were SO CUTE.”

The Heat Posse countered The Great Scotts’ defensive switch briefly by featuring uber-citizen Matt Moore behind center. In his first play, Moore scanned his receivers for 18 seconds, then stopped to clean the ball while they all stood motionless and The Great Scotts began heckling him. Twelve and a half minutes later, he threw an incomplete pass.

Davin Wilfrid sucks.

“He’s like wookie crossed with if Screech from Saved by the Bell tried to hit a Rich Garces fastball, but couldn’t,” said Edwards. “Come on guys…anything? I’m giving you gold here.”

By the end of the game, the field looked like (choose one of the following):
A) Pre-Field Turf Gillette Stadium
B) Gary Busey
C) A landfill from a Gulag
D) Britney Spears’ reputation

Fox recapped the game thusly: “Well, I didn’t jam my thumb, so it’s a success.”

Moore countered by chugging Clorox, blasting Pantera, and eating a nearby squirrel.

The next contest will take place at some future date in most likely a different location, ’cause, let’s face it, that shit was gross.

Combine Photos (results are below)

Courtesy of Adam Gelinas

(For the full album, go to: http://picasaweb.google.com/WISEvent/WISFFLCombine08)

The vertical leap measuring machine

Adam's vertical leap

Joanna's amazing vertical leap

Nick sets the vertical leap record

Sean looking graceful during the broad jump

Davin jumps Matrix style

Alissa's broad jump

Joanna takes a tumble during her shuttle run


Matt completing the shuttle run

Photo finish: Alissa is the victor

WISFFL Combine Results

With the exception of the Wonderlic Test, each participant was given three attempts in each event. The best distance or time out of those trials was taken as an official score. The point system is similar to Rotisserie Fantasy Baseball, where the winner of each event is given 7 points, second place gets 6, etc. Each person's points from each event were added together to calculate their final score.

Events are listed in the order in which they took place

Vertical Leap
Nick Fox: 25 inches = 7 points
Davin Wilfrid: 24.5 inches = 6 points
Sean Edwards: 24 inches = 5 points
Adam Gelinas: 23.5 = 4 points
Matt Moore: 22 inches = 3 points
Alissa Nelson: 18.5 inches = 2 points
Joanna Douillette: 17 inches = 1 point

Broad Jump
Gelinas: 93 inches = 7 points
Wilfrid: 89 inches = 6 points
Edwards: 87 inches = 5 points
Fox: 86 inches = 4 points
Moore: 81 inches = 3 points
Nelson: 80 inches = 2 points
Douillette: 68 inches = 1 point

20-yard Shuttle Run
Moore: 4.63 seconds = 7 points
Wilfrid: 4.82 seconds = 6 points
Fox: 4.88 seconds = 5 points
Gelinas: 5.06 seconds = 4 points
Nelson: 5.10 seconds = 3 points
Edwards: 5.43 seconds = 2 points
Douillette: 6.00 seconds = 1 point

40-yard Dash
Moore: 5.20 seconds = 7 points
Gelinas: 5.25 seconds = 6 points
Edwards: 5.40 seconds = 5 points
Nelson: 5.41 seconds* = 4 points
Wilfrid: 5.47 seconds = 3 points
Fox: 5.65 seconds = 2 points
Douillette: 6.13 seconds = 1 point

Wonderlic Test (out of 9 questions answered in 3 minutes)
Wilfrid: 8
Moore: 8
Fox: 8 = 6 points each
Edwards: 7 = 4 points
Gelinas: 6
Nelson: 6 = 2.5 points each
Douillette: 5 = 1 point


Total Scores:
1. Davin Wilfrid: 27 points **Winner**
2. Matt Moore: 26 points
3. Nick Fox: 24 points
4. Adam Gelinas: 23.5 points
5. Sean Edwards: 21 points
6. Alissa Nelson: 13.5 points
7. Joanna Douillette: 5 points


Official WIS Records:
Vertical Leap: Nick Fox, 25 inches (April 2, 2008)
Broad Jump: Adam Gelinas, 93 inches (April 2, 2008)
20-yard Shuttle Run: Matt Moore, 4.63 seconds (April 2, 2008)
40-yard Dash: Matt Moore, 5.20 seconds (April 2, 2008)
Combine Total Score: Davin Wilfrid, 27 points (April 2 and 3, 2008)


* Alissa only ran the 40-yard dash once in her official race with Sean. Alissa won the race despite Sean beating her original time in one of his trials.