America's Most Wanted Go Long, Deep in 47-18 Rout of Rescue! 911

by Handsome Ink

Relying on tipped catches, one-handed grabs, and a 28-minute, 43-yard completion to Adam Tokarz, America's Most Wanted captured a dominating victory Wednesday afternoon at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium in Norwood.

Team captain and ambassador to all that is good and holy Matt Moore paced AMW with more than a dozen catches and a stellar stint at safety on defense, earning MVP honors and forgiveness for naming the teams after what surely is some retarded wrestling reference. He caught the game's opening touchdown on a 4,637-yard bomb by Father Scott Priest. The pass, clocked at 569 miles per hour and producing 12 billion joules of energy, was said to have disrupted radar signals at Logan Airport and produced a sonic boom that struck a 400-mile-wide crater in one of Jupiter's moons. But that was said by Priest, so, you know, take it for what it is.

America's Most Wanted: Awesome former TNA tag team (James Storm, Chris Harris, and Gail Kim) AND retarded wrestling reference.

AMW clamped down on D and then quickly added two more scores; by the time Laura "the Gisele to Just Glaze's Tom Brady" Casasanto signaled the end of the first quarter it had the makings of a blowout with AMW up 19-0. But Nick "so this is how Redskins players feel, huh?" Fox would not be shut out, composuring his team to a TD to get on the scoreboard before the half.

The second half was marred by cute dogs and families of twelve crossing the field. Joanna "I half-assed the combine" Douillette managed to overcome her puppy love and haul in the longest touchdown of the day, a screen pass that turned into a 55-yard TD. Douillette promptly dropped the ball, hopped the nearest fence, stole a neighbor's dachsund, and bolted for the parking lot. She is unlikely to be heard from again.

Douillette was flanked on the line by Moore, Adam, and Susie "Gooztastic" Harding, who prided herself on being a decoy and wearing University of Miami gear. We could not confirm whether this was Miami of Ohio or Florida at press time, but Wally Szczerbiak was seen loitering in the parking lot with his fingers crossed.

Sean "Badass Last Name" Warnock made the highlight play of the day with a one-handed grab across the middle that he turned into a first down. "I just do what I do, motherfuckers," the stoic Warnock was quoted as saying. Or rather, I imagined it. Warnock escaped many a quick tackle by planting his feet and reversing direction abruptly after catching passes. He has a 9:30 a.m. conference call with Joe Lauducci to discuss the merits of this method.

Rescue! 911 was led by newcomers Brandon "Remember ME?!?!?!?!" Mackenzie and Jason "Scott doesn't know me well enough so I am nicknameless" Henry, who took turns quarterbacking. Henry won the QB race, helming the position at the end of the game, but Mackenzie dismissed the competition by saying, "He just got my sloppy seconds, bro."

"Since Davin Wilfrid sucks, Jason may very well continue to be the second QB we use in WISFFL," said league co-chairman Fox. "He really spread it wide, and he was able to adjust based on penetration."

Steph "Diesel" Smith continued the bruising line play she demonstrated this winter, tearing past Douillette and being all up in the Padre's grill-piece on most AMW completions plays. She played as rough as everyone was comfortable with, without, you know, being weirded out. Without Eric Warner there to bodyslam her, she continued undeterred, grinding all through the game.

The AMW defense swallowed usual breakout player Sean Edwards, who even failed to get off a quality pop culture reference. Eleven female Dorchester residents confirmed that this was not the first time Edwards failed to get off.

"I couldn't shake all the 'that's what she said' jokes," said Edwards. "Everyone really psyched me out by making their own obvious jokes, I just couldn't join in on the fun."

AMW's defense -- a hybrid of the '08 Celtics, the '85 Bears, and a Venus fly trap -- put in one of the strongest performances in WISFFL history. "We have to credit Matt Moore and his incredible game plan," said the Padre, who registered a game-high nine incidental (as far as you know) crotch-grabs. (Hey, Lauren!)

Babydaddy Renda left the game early with a bruised ego motorcycle.

Lauren Bonneau provided a spark of offense to the Rescue! 911 cause, reeling in a couple of screen passes and scampering for YAC. Yes, scampering.

By the time it was all over, Cara Bradley's abacus read 47-18 and Alissa Nelson sent Ken Scott-Nelson a text message that read "U no ur my 2nd fvrte. Ill b w/ Scott 2nite, c u 2morrow."

AMW went hard for the entire hour and a half and, when everyone came together at the end, exclaimed in exultation.

(That's what she said.)