by Handsome Ink
Fighting hangovers, cute dog distractions, a near-crippling lack of energy, and 6 billion tons of mud, The Great Scotts outslopped The Heat Posse in a 58-43 victory Saturday afternoon at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field.
The game was won in the 3rd quarter, when Nick Fox’s Great Scotts clamped down on defense. At the half, The Heat Posse led 31-19. The Great Scotts marched down the field with a rare efficient drive, as Father Scott Priest hit Nick “I swear these gloves help me catch shit” Fox, Sean “Pop Culture’s Dennis Miller” Edwards, and Laura “a hybrid of Wes Welker, Wayne Chrebet, and Rachael Leigh Cook” Casasanto for passes on the touchdown drive.
The Great Scotts then instituted an important defensive change as Fox recognized that Priest had a Manny Ramirez-esque interest in running, which, along with poor instincts and a “watching the backfield” addiction, made him a poor safety. Priest switched onto Scott “Just Glaze” Glazer while Fox roamed the secondary – and immediately picked off a pass, returning it for a touchdown to take what would be a permanent lead. The Great Scotts followed it up with another interception return for a touchdown, this time by the Padre, to widen the lead.
The Great Scotts went on to dominate the 3rd quarter, scoring 26, including three “pick-sixes” (apologies to all ESPN employees, who each individually think they invented the term) while yielding zero, and poured on a couple more scores in the 4th to secure the victory.
Edwards, the game’s MVP, did nothing other than fake-boxing Stephanie “Diesel” Smith in the first half (“We were like Houdini crossed with Oscar de la Hoya, sans the gayness,” said Edwards), and then proclaimed to Priest that he needed to get his head in the game for the second half. He promptly scored a couple of touchdowns, extra points, and made some fine defensive plays.
“I felt the same sort of exhilaration that Brian feels when he sings “Never Gonna Give You Up” on that Family Guy episode,” said Edwards.
Newcomer Sean “Matt Moore can’t pronounce my last name” McLoughlin stepped in admirably as emergency QB upon his arrival in the 2nd quarter, evening up the rosters at 4 apiece, and forcing Priest to abandon his extremely cushy all-time QB role and actually have to play defense.
McLoughlin spread the ball around to all members of the team, including several short passes to Steph Diesel and Just Glaze, who took advantage of The Great Scotts’ “None of Us Are as Fast as Matt Moore, So Let’s All Guard Him” defensive strategy.
The Diesel found motivation in passersby. “I was a little sluggish there at the beginning, but only cause that woman with the two dogs came by. There were TWO OF THEM. They were SO CUTE.”
The Heat Posse countered The Great Scotts’ defensive switch briefly by featuring uber-citizen Matt Moore behind center. In his first play, Moore scanned his receivers for 18 seconds, then stopped to clean the ball while they all stood motionless and The Great Scotts began heckling him. Twelve and a half minutes later, he threw an incomplete pass.
Davin Wilfrid sucks.
“He’s like wookie crossed with if Screech from Saved by the Bell tried to hit a Rich Garces fastball, but couldn’t,” said Edwards. “Come on guys…anything? I’m giving you gold here.”
By the end of the game, the field looked like (choose one of the following):
A) Pre-Field Turf Gillette Stadium
B) Gary Busey
C) A landfill from a Gulag
D) Britney Spears’ reputation
Fox recapped the game thusly: “Well, I didn’t jam my thumb, so it’s a success.”
Moore countered by chugging Clorox, blasting Pantera, and eating a nearby squirrel.
The next contest will take place at some future date in most likely a different location, ’cause, let’s face it, that shit was gross.
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