by Wes Mantooth
Today we spell redemption, M-A-T-T.
Mere weeks after Matt Moore was cast from the good graces of his mentor, the beatific Father Scott Priest, the two teamed up at a snow-covered Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field for an epic victory in the first inaugural WIS Bowl, 25-19.
With the score tied 19-19 and a mere 40 seconds left on the clock, Priest fired a laser rocket into the arms of Moore, who completed the slant pattern into the end zone for the go ahead score. A failed conversion and a 3 and out for the Twisted Nickers later, Moore Money Moore Probles (as they had been renamed by Tim Lavigne shortly before the game commenced) took home the title. They celebrated by drinking $7 "champagne" and smoking cigars that were mass manufactured in the Maldives or something. Classy.
The game was a close affair from start to finish. MMMP got the scoring started in the first quarter as Priest and Moore hooked up for a long pass play down the middle of the field. Ken Scott put MMMP up two touchdowns with a touchdown catch of his own after Priest intercepted a short pass by TN QB Davin Wilfrid. Alissa Nelson reported that this particular touchdown was "hot."
The score stayed at 12-0 for most of the first half, until the Nick's got on the board on a diving catch by the Abominable Renda in the back corner of the end zone. Renda became the first WISFFL player to catch a touchdown pass while blinded by caked-on snow.
Twisted Nickers charged out of the gate in the second half as Wilfrid used a combination of short passes and running plays to get TN within ten yards of the end zone. A TD reception by Sean "Small Wonder was way better than Mr. Belvedere" Edwards, who snagged a TD pass for the Nickers, who executed a one-point conversion when Wilfrid hit a cutting Nick Fox on an out pattern.
After a quick 3 and out for MMMP, the Nick's struck again when Wilfrid eluded a Moore tackle and rumbled into the end zone to put the Nick's up 19-12.
The lead was short-lived, however, as Priest marched MMMP downfield in the fourth quarter, blasting his way into the end zone despite Renda's best efforts to tackle him. Literally. A sweet hook and ladder play, in which Priest found Ken Scott on a short pass, and Scott lateraled back to a streaking Priest, tied the game.
The Nick's were unable to mount a drive for the rest of the game, as Stephanie "Bruce" Smith and Joanna "Do It" Douillette repeatedly crashed through the offensive line and pressured Wilfrid to release the ball early. Douillete finished with at least 7 tackles. MMMP also took advantage of great field position on a succession of long punt runbacks by Moore, who averaged 26.3 yards per return, matching R.W. McQuarters' career numbers from high school.
Matt Walsh gave the Nick's another life by scooping up a Priest fumble late in the game, but the Nick's were unable to capitalize.
On the final drive, Priest relied on the short passing game and a few key runs to get in the red zone. With 40 seconds left, Moore lined up on the right side and cut sharply across the center of the field, where Priest fired the ball just past a diving Nick Fox's outstretched hands. Moore gathered the ball and bounded into the end zone for the winning score.
Special thanks go to Steph Smith, who sang the national anthem through a megaphone before the game, and faithful fans and snack-bringers Laura Casasanto, Kathleen Rose, Alissa Nelson, Kelly Zablonski, Cara Bradley, and Wes Hosking (and anyone else I'm forgetting), who made WIS Bowl I a truly memorable affair.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
MAJOR TRADE ANNOUNCEMENT
BREAKING NEWS
Susie Harding and Tim Lavigne have reportedly been traded to Moore Money Moore Problems in exchange for Jason Renda and cash considerations. It is rumored that Twisted Nickers captain Nick Fox is using those funds to acquire free agent Dana Sillers. According to one source close to the WISFFL front office, Susie claims she was "disrespected" by Fox when he refused to offer her a long-term contract extension and therefore demanded a trade. Developing...
Susie Harding and Tim Lavigne have reportedly been traded to Moore Money Moore Problems in exchange for Jason Renda and cash considerations. It is rumored that Twisted Nickers captain Nick Fox is using those funds to acquire free agent Dana Sillers. According to one source close to the WISFFL front office, Susie claims she was "disrespected" by Fox when he refused to offer her a long-term contract extension and therefore demanded a trade. Developing...
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
WISBOWL I DRAFT
Mike Patrick: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the draft for the first annual WISBOWL Powered by SAP NetWeaver! We are coming to you live from the WIS U room, and we are being brought to you in full color HTML thanks to blogger.com. I am your host Mike Patrick, and I am joined by analyst Scott Priest and captains Nick Fox and Matt Moore. Priest will provide a critique of each pick, and Fox and Moore will be given a chance to respond. Scott, how are you looking for the draft to unfold today?
Priest: Well Mike, I have a draft board all laid out for the two captains, but between Moore’s rash impulsiveness and Nick’s general incompetence, I doubt it will have any relevance at all. Therefore, I can tell you that I have no idea.
Patrick: Nick, do you have any response to what Scott has just said? Nick…
Moore: Actually Mike, Nick never showed up. Apparently he felt his time would be better served making a roundtrip to Maryland and back today, sort of like in Week 4. Laura Casasanto will be taking his place.
Casasanto: Hi.
Patrick: Interesting…Well, let’s go now to the green room where the expected top picks are waiting to be announced. Erin?
Erin Andrews: Thanks, Mike. There is a palpable sense of excitement and anxiety here as we have Davin Wilfrid, Sean Edwards, and Kyle Breidenstine awaiting their draft position. Kyle arrived with his entourage of Adam, who is dressed in his finest suit with matching baseball cap. The third member of their group, Matteo, failed to make it here after he saw an Apple Store in the distance and decided to go computer shopping. Also, despite not receiving an invitation to the green room, Joanna Douillette is here handing out eye-black and various other trinkets to the other potential draftees. We’ll have live updates from here as the draft goes on. Back to you, Mike.
Patrick: Thank you Erin. After winning the regular season series three games to two, Moore’s Moore Money More Problems will have first pick and is now on the clock. We will return shortly with the first pick in the draft.
[The preceding was sponsored by SAP NetWeaver: www.sap.com/platform/netweaver/index.epx]
[The preceding was sponsored by E:60: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?categoryId=3060647&brand=null]
Patrick: We are back and just about ready for the second pick in the first round. First, we want to update you on Erin’s status. She has been taken to a local hospital, and her condition is listed as critical. OK, here comes Steven with the first pick for the Twisted Nickers.
Smith: WITH THE SECOND PICK OF THE WISBOWL I DRAFT, TWISTED NICKERS SELECTS SEAN EDWARDS.
Patrick: Wow, a stunned silence has fallen over the New Jersey fans, as Edwards struts his way to the stage to receive his jersey from Laura. They immediate begin booing as he smiles for the camera.
Priest: Surprising to see Wilfrid slide completely out of the first round, but it’s hard to argue Fox’s decision here. Edwards is the high-impact player Fox needs to provide some opposition to wunderkind Matt Moore. Fresh off a two-week hiatus in which Edwards groomed his lawn and played shuffleboard with his neighbors, Fox can expect big things from him in WISBowl I.
Strengths:
- Big-play ability
- Speed
- Versatility
Must Improve:
- Attendance
- Time spent at locations other than 990 Washington St., Dedham
Casasanto: You can’t argue with a pick as hard working and dedicated as Mr. Edwards. If during the game he exerts even half the energy he spends reaching out to and enticing prospective attendees with our glorious SAP wares and making obscure sports references around the office then this game is in the bag.
Patrick: We have word that Davin is quite shaken at falling out of the first round. Meanwhile, a giddy R.W. McQuarters sprints up to the podium with Moore Money More Problems’ second pick. Will this be Davin’s time? Will Moore’s team have a quarterback monopoly?
McQuarters: Excuse me, Steven, but with the third pick in the WISBOWL draft, Moore Money Moore Problems selects…Stephanie Smith.
Patrick: My, what a shocker. Davin has reportedly wiped a tear from his cheek and is now pacing around the green room. Scott, what are your thoughts on this development?
Priest: Actually, pretty much what I expected at this point: After investing the first pick in a QB, MMMP anchors the line with Steph “Diesel” Smith. Diesel learned her blocking technique by watching Jonathan Ogden and studying the attributes of duct tape.
Strengths:
- Building loving connections to those around her
- Smarts: no penalties in career
- Maternal instincts
Must Improve:
- Ability to suddenly gain 300 pounds to block Davin
Moore, now sipping a Natural Ice: Exactly, Scott. We now have the league’s best quarterback and the best offensive lineperson. Sort of like the New England Patriots. Plus, we need to have the player who named our damn team!
Patrick: And now look at this. Casasanto has left her chair and has run up to the podium to announced Twister Nickers’ pick. Surely she will take advantage of Davin still being on the board.
Casasanto: With the fourth pick in the WISBOWL I draft, Team Nickers selects Susie Harding.
Priest: A two-sport star at WIS, this catcher/receiver can do a little of everything. After taking the stoic Edwards, Fox wisely pulls in a former cheerleader. Somewhere, Jason Renda’s ears just perked up at the thought of Gooze busting out the shorts for one last time in 2007.
Strengths:
- Speed
- Stories about touching Papelbon’s ass
Must Improve:
- Bloodthirst
Patrick: With the announcement of that pick, the New Jersey fans shattered every window in here. Smith has started his own riot, now visibility perturbed after being upstaged by a Caucasian female. We may need to call in some crowd control. We will take a break and be right back.
[The preceding was sponsored by Natural Ice: www.naturallight.com/]
Patrick: We welcome our viewers back following an impromptu break after the first two rounds of the draft. Steven A. Smith and Davin’s New Jersey fans have been escorted from the building. Adam has wandered out of the green room. Several attempts to email him for some reasoning have gone unanswered. Davin received a motivational speech from Benny DiCecca after falling out of the first two rounds. Kyle is still on the phone. The blood and glass shards have been removed from the room, so we are ready to return to the draft. Picks will now be hand delivered to us and simply read here to avoid any future controversy. Matt, I believe you are ready with your third pick.
Richie Frahm enters wearing a Gonzaga jersey, trying to remember the days when he averaged more than two minutes per game. He hands the pick to Moore.
Moore: Mike, with the fifth overall pick, I choose Joanna Douillette.
Priest: MMMP continues to select players with the idea of putting together a cohesive roster. Not only does Moore look to provide another stalwart presence on the line, but also adds the proverbial Julian Tavarez to Steph Smith’s Manny Ramirez.
Strengths:
- Intensity
- Pass-catching on rollouts from the line
- Flag-grabbing
Must Improve:
- Absurd play ideas
Moore: Absurd!? I seem to remember my team scoring six on you while deploying “Werewolf.” I will kill you Scott Priest.
Patrick: Laura, please ease this sudden tension with Team Nickers’ next pick.
Casasanto: We pick…Lauren Bonneau!
Priest: Bonneau represents an effort to bolster defense by Fox, as Moore has looked entirely at his offense thus far. Bonneau registered a number of tackles that prevented big plays in Week 5, even provoking an illegal flag-blocking foul by Priest on one play after being an unstoppable defensive force throughout the game.
Strengths:
- D-FENSE (clap clap) D-FENSE (clap clap)
- Attention to the rules of the game that no one else enforces
- Solid screen pass option on offense
Must Improve:
- Time devoted to listening to Wilco
Moore, on his fifth Natty: Hah! Wilco. Try some manly music like Converge or As I Lay Dying, which just so happens to be the title of my life.
Casasanto: We just need to grab up the ladies while they’re still available. If there’s one thing that can win us this game, its more estrogen on the field.
Also, I love the song “Hummingbird.”
Patrick: I can’t quite understand how Davin Wilfrid is still available. This draft has turned into a complete coup. I don’t see how—
Moore: Mike?
Patrick: Yes Matt?
Moore: Actually can I call you Paul McGuire? I like him better.
Patrick: Please no.
Moore: Paul, we have our pick. Quincy just handed it to me. I loved his Rutgers team. He could shoot 27-foot jumpers from the giant R…
Patrick: Your pick?
Moore: Oh…yeah…we select Jason Renda. Bam!
Priest: Aside from Wilfrid, who has been removed from the facility’s green room to mourn his falling draft stock in solitude, Renda was at the top of the remaining board. Still a surprise to see here, though, as it’s unclear whether he’ll be able to focus while on the opposite team as Harding. Then again, being on the same team would have been tough too. This is Moore’s first attempt to solidify defense, after taking the relatively immobile Priest and the offensive line specialists Smith and Douillette. Renda, who has had a number of key interceptions throughout the year, including a game-clinching one in Week 3 and one in overtime in Week 5, will provide another lockdown corner option opposite Moore.
Strengths:
- Identifying favorable matchups in the opponents’ defense
- Quickness
- Motorcycle riding
- Defensive backfield abilities
- Groping
Must Improve:
- Dancing to the Pointer Sisters
Moore: I like Friday Night Lights.
Patrick: OK…I am at a loss for words right now. Laura, do you have your next pick?
Casasanto: Indeed I do. With the eight overall pick, Team Nickers selects MatWeaver, Matt Walsh.
Priest: Walsh is a bit of a mystery to the scouting dept. Seriously, I just don’t know him that well.
Strengths:
- Not sure, seems to be an upstanding citizen, though
Must improve:
- Probably some stuff
Casasanto: Though I haven’t witnessed it myself, word has spread about the sheer power of Mr. Walsh to run a dungeon when outnumbered by as many as six gnomes. I can’t pass up that ability.
Patrick: Matt can rest easy now after fearing he would be picked last, just like the good old days in middle school.
Moore: Level 70! N00b! Hah! Next pick for me! Vilmos! W00t!
Priest: I’m going to butt in here before Moore embarrasses himself further. Another receiving threat over the middle, The Hungarian Barbarian leads WIS in sweet nicknames and inappropriate mass emails sent. An easy selection.
Strengths:
- Route-running creativity
Must Improve:
- Not breaking his wrist
Patrick: Laura, quick, to you.
Casasanto: Team Nickers takes Adam Gelinas next.
Priest: Gelinas fills a big need for Fox’s team as a speedy slot receiver to fill in the gaps created by Edwards’ big-play ability and Fox’s usually deeper routes. Excellent selection.
Strengths:
- Photographically documenting all WIS activities and then generously sharing the pictures with everyone
- Speed
- Throwing snowballs
Must Improve:
- Accuracy at throwing snowballs
Casasanto: Boo yea! Scott called my pick “excellent”! Eat that MMMP!
Patrick: This is shaping up to be quite the game. We will be right back with the final two rounds of the draft. Kyle is still chilling in the green room. We may need someone to run and get Davin if he ever gets drafted…
Patrick: Finally, after one of the longest days of my life, we are ready for the final portion of our WISBOWL I draft. Matt, are you OK? You seem to have a vacant, slightly pained expression on your face as you stare off into space.
Moore: Eleventh pick. Kyle XY.
Patrick: Finally, another pick from the green room. Kyle saunters past the desk as he receives his jersey from Jay Payton.
Priest: The pride of Shoemakersville, PA provides another receiving threat for Priest. Scouts reported that Breidenstine shaved a whopping 3.5 seconds off his 40-yard dash time after losing his sexy but weighty beard.
Strengths:
- Catching the ball and then running with it
- Hating Adam
Must Improve:
- Pizza eating. He was pathetic.
Moore, suddenly back to life: Did I ever tell you that Jay Payton single-handedly won me the 2003 fantasy baseball season? He faced Scott Linebrink during the last game on the last day of the fantasy season. He hit a 3-run homer that made me a champion!
Patrick: Ugh. Laura, please save us.
Casasanto: OK, with the twelfth pick, Nick wants me to take Tim Lavigne.
Priest: Lavigne is also a mystery to the scouting dept. after being the emergency caretaker of Joe Lauducci during his Joe Theismann moment. Lavigne presents the MMMP defense the difficulty of defending him as they will have to feel out his strengths during the course of WISBOWL I.
Strengths:
- I’m assuming he’s a good possession receiver.
Must Improve:
- Let’s say blocking, just so it’s not blank.
Casasanto: Barring a hung-over arrival, I think this may be one of our strongest picks.
Patrick: I’m almost afraid to ask this. Matt, there is one player remaining to take. We all know who it is. Who do you select.
Moore: I choose…I choose…I choose…Midget Mac!
Priest: Davin Wilfrid sucks.
Patrick: I’m stunned. Laura, I suppose it is Team Nickers’ pick once again. We can’t end this thing until Davin gets drafted. Please take him.
Casasanto: Team Nickers does! And not in that now-it’s-awkward-and-we’re-picking-him-out-of-pity way, but we really wanted him the whole time, I swear. Congrats Davin! You’re part of the Nick’s! (and that apostrophe is a placeholder for the “er,” it doesn’t signify the possessive form of “Nick”)
Priest: Wilfrid’s precipitous fall comes to an end: Mr. Irrelevant must overcome his bruised ego to quarterback Fox’s team in the biggest game of the season. The question is, will we see one of his rocket throws “accidentally” pelt Fox in the face to send a message?
Strengths:
- Smiles a lot
- He’s actually good at football
- Blogging
Must Improve:
- Suckitude
Patrick: Thank god that’s over. I have to say, the final teams are actually quite competitive and should make for an excellent WISBOWL Powered by SAP NetWeaver. We hope to see everyone at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium at noon on Saturday. The commissioners have a lot of surprises planned. Thank you for joining us! I need some Tylenol.
Draft Recap (round, overall pick):
Moore Money Moore Problems:
Matt Moore (N/A)
Scott Priest (1, 1)
Stephanie Smith (2, 3)
Joanna Douillette (3, 5)
Jason Renda (4, 7)
Vilmos Csizmadia (5, 9)
Kyle Breidenstine (6, 11)
Twisted Nickers:
Nick Fox (N/A)
Sean Edwards (1, 2)
Susie Harding (2, 4)
Lauren Bonneau (3, 6)
Matt Walsh (4, 8)
Priest: Well Mike, I have a draft board all laid out for the two captains, but between Moore’s rash impulsiveness and Nick’s general incompetence, I doubt it will have any relevance at all. Therefore, I can tell you that I have no idea.
Patrick: Nick, do you have any response to what Scott has just said? Nick…
Moore: Actually Mike, Nick never showed up. Apparently he felt his time would be better served making a roundtrip to Maryland and back today, sort of like in Week 4. Laura Casasanto will be taking his place.
Casasanto: Hi.
Patrick: Interesting…Well, let’s go now to the green room where the expected top picks are waiting to be announced. Erin?
Erin Andrews: Thanks, Mike. There is a palpable sense of excitement and anxiety here as we have Davin Wilfrid, Sean Edwards, and Kyle Breidenstine awaiting their draft position. Kyle arrived with his entourage of Adam, who is dressed in his finest suit with matching baseball cap. The third member of their group, Matteo, failed to make it here after he saw an Apple Store in the distance and decided to go computer shopping. Also, despite not receiving an invitation to the green room, Joanna Douillette is here handing out eye-black and various other trinkets to the other potential draftees. We’ll have live updates from here as the draft goes on. Back to you, Mike.
Patrick: Thank you Erin. After winning the regular season series three games to two, Moore’s Moore Money More Problems will have first pick and is now on the clock. We will return shortly with the first pick in the draft.
[The preceding was sponsored by SAP NetWeaver: www.sap.com/platform/netweaver/index.epx]
Patrick: Welcome back everyone to the WISBOWL I draft. A small group of New Jersey citizens has arrived in support of the expected #1 pick, Davin Wilfrid. Moore Money Moore Problems is on the clock, and it looks like the team has made its selection. Here comes Steven A. Smith with the announcement.
New Jersey Fans: DAV-IN! DAV-IN! DAV-IN!
Smith: WITH THE FIRST OVERALL PICK IN THE WISBOWL I DRAFT, MOORE MONEY MOORE PROBLEMS SELECT SCOTT PRIEST. (the New Jersey fans erupt in boos) THIS PICK IS DEPLORABLE. LISTEN TO THESE FANS. QUITE FRANKLY—
Patrick: Scott, our real analyst, what do you have to say about being drafted first overall?
Priest (entering Ricky Henderson mode): Well, it didn’t take long for the draft’s first surprise, with Priest usurping consensus number one pick Davin Wilfrid for the top spot. The Moore Money Moore Problems draft team must have liked what they saw in last week’s double-overtime win. Or maybe they’re drunk. The Padre *cough* me *cough* ran a 7.97 40-yard dash at the combine, resulting scouts to compare him to Tony Siragusa, a walrus, and a four-year old malnourished girl.
Patrick: OK, let’s show you Priest’s breakdown of himself:
Strengths:
New Jersey Fans: DAV-IN! DAV-IN! DAV-IN!
Smith: WITH THE FIRST OVERALL PICK IN THE WISBOWL I DRAFT, MOORE MONEY MOORE PROBLEMS SELECT SCOTT PRIEST. (the New Jersey fans erupt in boos) THIS PICK IS DEPLORABLE. LISTEN TO THESE FANS. QUITE FRANKLY—
Patrick: Scott, our real analyst, what do you have to say about being drafted first overall?
Priest (entering Ricky Henderson mode): Well, it didn’t take long for the draft’s first surprise, with Priest usurping consensus number one pick Davin Wilfrid for the top spot. The Moore Money Moore Problems draft team must have liked what they saw in last week’s double-overtime win. Or maybe they’re drunk. The Padre *cough* me *cough* ran a 7.97 40-yard dash at the combine, resulting scouts to compare him to Tony Siragusa, a walrus, and a four-year old malnourished girl.
Patrick: OK, let’s show you Priest’s breakdown of himself:
Strengths:
- High moral fiber
- Keeping Matt Moore from ripping someone’s limbs from their body
- Sexiness
Must Improve:
- Arm strength
- Accuracy
- Decision-making
- “Football skills”
Moore: Scott, let me tell you that nobody was drunk for this pick. However, it was nearly impossible to gain consensus among my draft committee, including R.W. McQuarters, Richie Frahm, Jay Payton, and Quincy Douby. Scott led my team to tremendous victories in Weeks 2 and 3. He is very humble—his mad skillz will impress all.
Patrick: Erin, what was the reaction there when this pick was announced?
Andrews: *Makes gurgled choking sounds as Rachel Nichols is seen sucking blood from her neck.*
Nichols looks up with glowing red eyes and simply whispers “Scott” before scampering off to P3. Davin has a nervous smile, Kyle is on the phone with his girlfriend, and Sean and Adam fix their hair.
Patrick: I haven’t seen something that disgusting as a broadcaster since Joe Theismann once attempted to explain what a first down was to the audience. Uhh...we’ll be right back as we try to save Erin. The Twisted Nickers are now on the clock.
- Keeping Matt Moore from ripping someone’s limbs from their body
- Sexiness
Must Improve:
- Arm strength
- Accuracy
- Decision-making
- “Football skills”
Moore: Scott, let me tell you that nobody was drunk for this pick. However, it was nearly impossible to gain consensus among my draft committee, including R.W. McQuarters, Richie Frahm, Jay Payton, and Quincy Douby. Scott led my team to tremendous victories in Weeks 2 and 3. He is very humble—his mad skillz will impress all.
Patrick: Erin, what was the reaction there when this pick was announced?
Andrews: *Makes gurgled choking sounds as Rachel Nichols is seen sucking blood from her neck.*
Nichols looks up with glowing red eyes and simply whispers “Scott” before scampering off to P3. Davin has a nervous smile, Kyle is on the phone with his girlfriend, and Sean and Adam fix their hair.
Patrick: I haven’t seen something that disgusting as a broadcaster since Joe Theismann once attempted to explain what a first down was to the audience. Uhh...we’ll be right back as we try to save Erin. The Twisted Nickers are now on the clock.
[The preceding was sponsored by E:60: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?categoryId=3060647&brand=null]
Patrick: We are back and just about ready for the second pick in the first round. First, we want to update you on Erin’s status. She has been taken to a local hospital, and her condition is listed as critical. OK, here comes Steven with the first pick for the Twisted Nickers.
Smith: WITH THE SECOND PICK OF THE WISBOWL I DRAFT, TWISTED NICKERS SELECTS SEAN EDWARDS.
Patrick: Wow, a stunned silence has fallen over the New Jersey fans, as Edwards struts his way to the stage to receive his jersey from Laura. They immediate begin booing as he smiles for the camera.
Priest: Surprising to see Wilfrid slide completely out of the first round, but it’s hard to argue Fox’s decision here. Edwards is the high-impact player Fox needs to provide some opposition to wunderkind Matt Moore. Fresh off a two-week hiatus in which Edwards groomed his lawn and played shuffleboard with his neighbors, Fox can expect big things from him in WISBowl I.
Strengths:
- Big-play ability
- Speed
- Versatility
Must Improve:
- Attendance
- Time spent at locations other than 990 Washington St., Dedham
Casasanto: You can’t argue with a pick as hard working and dedicated as Mr. Edwards. If during the game he exerts even half the energy he spends reaching out to and enticing prospective attendees with our glorious SAP wares and making obscure sports references around the office then this game is in the bag.
Patrick: We have word that Davin is quite shaken at falling out of the first round. Meanwhile, a giddy R.W. McQuarters sprints up to the podium with Moore Money More Problems’ second pick. Will this be Davin’s time? Will Moore’s team have a quarterback monopoly?
McQuarters: Excuse me, Steven, but with the third pick in the WISBOWL draft, Moore Money Moore Problems selects…Stephanie Smith.
Patrick: My, what a shocker. Davin has reportedly wiped a tear from his cheek and is now pacing around the green room. Scott, what are your thoughts on this development?
Priest: Actually, pretty much what I expected at this point: After investing the first pick in a QB, MMMP anchors the line with Steph “Diesel” Smith. Diesel learned her blocking technique by watching Jonathan Ogden and studying the attributes of duct tape.
Strengths:
- Building loving connections to those around her
- Smarts: no penalties in career
- Maternal instincts
Must Improve:
- Ability to suddenly gain 300 pounds to block Davin
Moore, now sipping a Natural Ice: Exactly, Scott. We now have the league’s best quarterback and the best offensive lineperson. Sort of like the New England Patriots. Plus, we need to have the player who named our damn team!
Patrick: And now look at this. Casasanto has left her chair and has run up to the podium to announced Twister Nickers’ pick. Surely she will take advantage of Davin still being on the board.
Casasanto: With the fourth pick in the WISBOWL I draft, Team Nickers selects Susie Harding.
Priest: A two-sport star at WIS, this catcher/receiver can do a little of everything. After taking the stoic Edwards, Fox wisely pulls in a former cheerleader. Somewhere, Jason Renda’s ears just perked up at the thought of Gooze busting out the shorts for one last time in 2007.
Strengths:
- Speed
- Stories about touching Papelbon’s ass
Must Improve:
- Bloodthirst
Patrick: With the announcement of that pick, the New Jersey fans shattered every window in here. Smith has started his own riot, now visibility perturbed after being upstaged by a Caucasian female. We may need to call in some crowd control. We will take a break and be right back.
[The preceding was sponsored by Natural Ice: www.naturallight.com/]
Patrick: We welcome our viewers back following an impromptu break after the first two rounds of the draft. Steven A. Smith and Davin’s New Jersey fans have been escorted from the building. Adam has wandered out of the green room. Several attempts to email him for some reasoning have gone unanswered. Davin received a motivational speech from Benny DiCecca after falling out of the first two rounds. Kyle is still on the phone. The blood and glass shards have been removed from the room, so we are ready to return to the draft. Picks will now be hand delivered to us and simply read here to avoid any future controversy. Matt, I believe you are ready with your third pick.
Richie Frahm enters wearing a Gonzaga jersey, trying to remember the days when he averaged more than two minutes per game. He hands the pick to Moore.
Moore: Mike, with the fifth overall pick, I choose Joanna Douillette.
Priest: MMMP continues to select players with the idea of putting together a cohesive roster. Not only does Moore look to provide another stalwart presence on the line, but also adds the proverbial Julian Tavarez to Steph Smith’s Manny Ramirez.
Strengths:
- Intensity
- Pass-catching on rollouts from the line
- Flag-grabbing
Must Improve:
- Absurd play ideas
Moore: Absurd!? I seem to remember my team scoring six on you while deploying “Werewolf.” I will kill you Scott Priest.
Patrick: Laura, please ease this sudden tension with Team Nickers’ next pick.
Casasanto: We pick…Lauren Bonneau!
Priest: Bonneau represents an effort to bolster defense by Fox, as Moore has looked entirely at his offense thus far. Bonneau registered a number of tackles that prevented big plays in Week 5, even provoking an illegal flag-blocking foul by Priest on one play after being an unstoppable defensive force throughout the game.
Strengths:
- D-FENSE (clap clap) D-FENSE (clap clap)
- Attention to the rules of the game that no one else enforces
- Solid screen pass option on offense
Must Improve:
- Time devoted to listening to Wilco
Moore, on his fifth Natty: Hah! Wilco. Try some manly music like Converge or As I Lay Dying, which just so happens to be the title of my life.
Casasanto: We just need to grab up the ladies while they’re still available. If there’s one thing that can win us this game, its more estrogen on the field.
Also, I love the song “Hummingbird.”
Patrick: I can’t quite understand how Davin Wilfrid is still available. This draft has turned into a complete coup. I don’t see how—
Moore: Mike?
Patrick: Yes Matt?
Moore: Actually can I call you Paul McGuire? I like him better.
Patrick: Please no.
Moore: Paul, we have our pick. Quincy just handed it to me. I loved his Rutgers team. He could shoot 27-foot jumpers from the giant R…
Patrick: Your pick?
Moore: Oh…yeah…we select Jason Renda. Bam!
Priest: Aside from Wilfrid, who has been removed from the facility’s green room to mourn his falling draft stock in solitude, Renda was at the top of the remaining board. Still a surprise to see here, though, as it’s unclear whether he’ll be able to focus while on the opposite team as Harding. Then again, being on the same team would have been tough too. This is Moore’s first attempt to solidify defense, after taking the relatively immobile Priest and the offensive line specialists Smith and Douillette. Renda, who has had a number of key interceptions throughout the year, including a game-clinching one in Week 3 and one in overtime in Week 5, will provide another lockdown corner option opposite Moore.
Strengths:
- Identifying favorable matchups in the opponents’ defense
- Quickness
- Motorcycle riding
- Defensive backfield abilities
- Groping
Must Improve:
- Dancing to the Pointer Sisters
Moore: I like Friday Night Lights.
Patrick: OK…I am at a loss for words right now. Laura, do you have your next pick?
Casasanto: Indeed I do. With the eight overall pick, Team Nickers selects MatWeaver, Matt Walsh.
Priest: Walsh is a bit of a mystery to the scouting dept. Seriously, I just don’t know him that well.
Strengths:
- Not sure, seems to be an upstanding citizen, though
Must improve:
- Probably some stuff
Casasanto: Though I haven’t witnessed it myself, word has spread about the sheer power of Mr. Walsh to run a dungeon when outnumbered by as many as six gnomes. I can’t pass up that ability.
Patrick: Matt can rest easy now after fearing he would be picked last, just like the good old days in middle school.
Moore: Level 70! N00b! Hah! Next pick for me! Vilmos! W00t!
Priest: I’m going to butt in here before Moore embarrasses himself further. Another receiving threat over the middle, The Hungarian Barbarian leads WIS in sweet nicknames and inappropriate mass emails sent. An easy selection.
Strengths:
- Route-running creativity
Must Improve:
- Not breaking his wrist
Patrick: Laura, quick, to you.
Casasanto: Team Nickers takes Adam Gelinas next.
Priest: Gelinas fills a big need for Fox’s team as a speedy slot receiver to fill in the gaps created by Edwards’ big-play ability and Fox’s usually deeper routes. Excellent selection.
Strengths:
- Photographically documenting all WIS activities and then generously sharing the pictures with everyone
- Speed
- Throwing snowballs
Must Improve:
- Accuracy at throwing snowballs
Casasanto: Boo yea! Scott called my pick “excellent”! Eat that MMMP!
Patrick: This is shaping up to be quite the game. We will be right back with the final two rounds of the draft. Kyle is still chilling in the green room. We may need someone to run and get Davin if he ever gets drafted…
[The preceding was sponsored by Friday Night Lights: www.nbc.com/Friday_Night_Lights]
Patrick: Finally, after one of the longest days of my life, we are ready for the final portion of our WISBOWL I draft. Matt, are you OK? You seem to have a vacant, slightly pained expression on your face as you stare off into space.
Moore: Eleventh pick. Kyle XY.
Patrick: Finally, another pick from the green room. Kyle saunters past the desk as he receives his jersey from Jay Payton.
Priest: The pride of Shoemakersville, PA provides another receiving threat for Priest. Scouts reported that Breidenstine shaved a whopping 3.5 seconds off his 40-yard dash time after losing his sexy but weighty beard.
Strengths:
- Catching the ball and then running with it
- Hating Adam
Must Improve:
- Pizza eating. He was pathetic.
Moore, suddenly back to life: Did I ever tell you that Jay Payton single-handedly won me the 2003 fantasy baseball season? He faced Scott Linebrink during the last game on the last day of the fantasy season. He hit a 3-run homer that made me a champion!
Patrick: Ugh. Laura, please save us.
Casasanto: OK, with the twelfth pick, Nick wants me to take Tim Lavigne.
Priest: Lavigne is also a mystery to the scouting dept. after being the emergency caretaker of Joe Lauducci during his Joe Theismann moment. Lavigne presents the MMMP defense the difficulty of defending him as they will have to feel out his strengths during the course of WISBOWL I.
Strengths:
- I’m assuming he’s a good possession receiver.
Must Improve:
- Let’s say blocking, just so it’s not blank.
Casasanto: Barring a hung-over arrival, I think this may be one of our strongest picks.
Patrick: I’m almost afraid to ask this. Matt, there is one player remaining to take. We all know who it is. Who do you select.
Moore: I choose…I choose…I choose…Midget Mac!
Priest: Davin Wilfrid sucks.
Patrick: I’m stunned. Laura, I suppose it is Team Nickers’ pick once again. We can’t end this thing until Davin gets drafted. Please take him.
Casasanto: Team Nickers does! And not in that now-it’s-awkward-and-we’re-picking-him-out-of-pity way, but we really wanted him the whole time, I swear. Congrats Davin! You’re part of the Nick’s! (and that apostrophe is a placeholder for the “er,” it doesn’t signify the possessive form of “Nick”)
Priest: Wilfrid’s precipitous fall comes to an end: Mr. Irrelevant must overcome his bruised ego to quarterback Fox’s team in the biggest game of the season. The question is, will we see one of his rocket throws “accidentally” pelt Fox in the face to send a message?
Strengths:
- Smiles a lot
- He’s actually good at football
- Blogging
Must Improve:
- Suckitude
Patrick: Thank god that’s over. I have to say, the final teams are actually quite competitive and should make for an excellent WISBOWL Powered by SAP NetWeaver. We hope to see everyone at Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Stadium at noon on Saturday. The commissioners have a lot of surprises planned. Thank you for joining us! I need some Tylenol.
Draft Recap (round, overall pick):
Moore Money Moore Problems:
Matt Moore (N/A)
Scott Priest (1, 1)
Stephanie Smith (2, 3)
Joanna Douillette (3, 5)
Jason Renda (4, 7)
Vilmos Csizmadia (5, 9)
Kyle Breidenstine (6, 11)
Twisted Nickers:
Nick Fox (N/A)
Sean Edwards (1, 2)
Susie Harding (2, 4)
Lauren Bonneau (3, 6)
Matt Walsh (4, 8)
Adam Gelinas (5, 10)
Tim Lavigne (6, 12)
Davin Wilfrid (7, 13)
Tim Lavigne (6, 12)
Davin Wilfrid (7, 13)
Monday, December 10, 2007
WISFFL Front Office Announces WISBOWL Draft
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
As the first of many surprises in store for WISBOWL I Powered by SAP NetWeaver, the members of the WISFFL Front Office have announced a live draft that will take place on Wednesday, December 12, at 2 p.m.
WISFFL fans will be able to follow along on THIS BLOG beginning at 2. Picks will be posted as they happen, with each being individually announced by Steven A. Smith. Scott Priest will provide commentary, and Matt Moore and Nick Fox may be forced to defend the sensibility of their selections from his biting criticisms.
Rumor has it that Moore will be leaving his draft methodology in the capable hands of R.W. McQuarters, Richie Frahm, Jay Payton, and Quincy Douby, who will be sequestered in the Moore Money Moore Problems war room. Fox decided he would not have as much fun as Moore playing pretend, and will simply have Laura Casasanto as his sole draft advisor.
So, check back here beginning at 2 p.m. on Wednesday to see your name, or your favorite player's name, be announced.
WISBOWL INJURY REPORT
Las updated Monday, Dec. 10 at 10:30 a.m.
Injured Reserve
Joe Lauducci (ACL)
Alissa Nelson (Thumb)
Probable
Joanna Douillette (Quadricep, 4-Point Star Bruise)
Nick Fox (Thumb)
Matt Moore (Neck, Hip)
As the first of many surprises in store for WISBOWL I Powered by SAP NetWeaver, the members of the WISFFL Front Office have announced a live draft that will take place on Wednesday, December 12, at 2 p.m.
WISFFL fans will be able to follow along on THIS BLOG beginning at 2. Picks will be posted as they happen, with each being individually announced by Steven A. Smith. Scott Priest will provide commentary, and Matt Moore and Nick Fox may be forced to defend the sensibility of their selections from his biting criticisms.
Rumor has it that Moore will be leaving his draft methodology in the capable hands of R.W. McQuarters, Richie Frahm, Jay Payton, and Quincy Douby, who will be sequestered in the Moore Money Moore Problems war room. Fox decided he would not have as much fun as Moore playing pretend, and will simply have Laura Casasanto as his sole draft advisor.
So, check back here beginning at 2 p.m. on Wednesday to see your name, or your favorite player's name, be announced.
WISBOWL INJURY REPORT
Las updated Monday, Dec. 10 at 10:30 a.m.
Injured Reserve
Joe Lauducci (ACL)
Alissa Nelson (Thumb)
Probable
Joanna Douillette (Quadricep, 4-Point Star Bruise)
Nick Fox (Thumb)
Matt Moore (Neck, Hip)
Thursday, December 6, 2007
From the Commissioners
Visit the blog on Monday for a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT regarding WISBOWL I Powered by SAP NetWeaver.
Rachel Nichols Has Words for Her All-Stars in Week 5...
"Just win baby. Scott Priest is a creep."Her "All-Stars": Branden MacKenzie, Chase Barrett, Davin Wilfrid, Kristen Marvelle, Lauren Bonneau, Matt Moore, Vilmos Csizmadia
Team Yellow: Adam Gelinas, Brian Geever, Jason Renda, Joanna Douillette, Kyle Breidenstine, Nick Fox, Scott Priest
vs.
Team Yellow: Adam Gelinas, Brian Geever, Jason Renda, Joanna Douillette, Kyle Breidenstine, Nick Fox, Scott Priest
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Fallen Angel Stars as Evil Prevails Over Good, 38 - 18
By Archangel Garfield
Matt Moore began the WISFFL season as the most cherished cherub of Father Scott Priest's ecclesiastical worldview -- the benevolent prince of light who pooped gumdrops and healed athlete's foot with only a glance from his benighted eyes.
Then came the fall.
Moore was cast from Priest's Garden of Eden shortly before Saturday's game at Lauducci Memorial ACL Stadium -- for reasons that have more to do with oblation than abjuration. On Saturday, he responded by leading The Heretics -- Hell's own army -- to a 38 - 18 victory against Priest's brigade of do-gooders Holier Than Thou.
"I always thought his taste for death metal and disturbing Korean horror films was ironic, or for show," said a dejected Priest after the game. "Now I guess we all realize that kid is pure evil. Early in the game, I wet myself in fear. Oops. I just did it again."
Priest would muster the forces of good after that early run of misfortune, taking advantage of the short-pass receiving abilities of Brian Geever and Kristen Marvelle, and Breidenstine's soft hands out of the backfield. Two quick TD strikes (including one after a slick Geever interception) brought Holier Than Thou within striking distance at 18-12.
The Heretics would score once more before halftime with some nifty play design, as center Kevin Douillette sprinted down the middle of the field after the snap while Joanna Douillette and Moore held their defenders shallow with post routes. Wilfrid hit Kevin Douillette just behind the secondary for another long passing TD.
The WISFFL lost its only fan at halftime as Laura Casasanto finally called it quits in the deep freeze and high winds. Earlier in the game, Casasanto was forced to crawl into her dead taun-taun for warmth as the Rebel patrol continued its search for her.
The second half was more of the same, as The Heretics outscored Holier Than Thou 14 - 6. Moore scored on a long interception return and on a short crossing route reception and long dash to the end zone.
For Holier Than Thou, Scott Priest used his individually articulated butt cheeks to avoid multiple tackles on a succession of long runs. Heretic defenders would find themselves clutching naught but air, ass, or grass after lunging for Priest's flags -- which darted out of the way, seemingly at Priest's command.
The Heretics tacked on two two-point conversions and a last-minute defensive stop, despite the intimidating ferocity of lineman-turned-receiver Lauren Bonneau, whose animal roar could be heard two towns away. Matt Walsh scampered with the ball as the clock expired.
After the game, Moore offered to reconcile with Priest but was met with only a blank stare. "The kingdom of Holier Than Thou is a sanctified place and cannot be tainted by those who use their power for evil."
"You just said taint. Hah! Ass." Moore responded.
Matt Moore began the WISFFL season as the most cherished cherub of Father Scott Priest's ecclesiastical worldview -- the benevolent prince of light who pooped gumdrops and healed athlete's foot with only a glance from his benighted eyes.
Then came the fall.
Moore was cast from Priest's Garden of Eden shortly before Saturday's game at Lauducci Memorial ACL Stadium -- for reasons that have more to do with oblation than abjuration. On Saturday, he responded by leading The Heretics -- Hell's own army -- to a 38 - 18 victory against Priest's brigade of do-gooders Holier Than Thou.
"I always thought his taste for death metal and disturbing Korean horror films was ironic, or for show," said a dejected Priest after the game. "Now I guess we all realize that kid is pure evil. Early in the game, I wet myself in fear. Oops. I just did it again."
Satan said dance: Here, Lucifer cheers on his colleague and fellow renunciator Matt Moore
The scoring started immediately as Heretic QB Dastard Wilfrid took the opening snap, faked a pass to the right, and launched a deep ball down the left sideline which was scooped up by a streaking Moore, who had a step on Kyle "Sunshine" Breidenstine. Moore scampered the rest of the way to give the Heretics a 6-0 lead. Joanna Douillette calls this play "Werewolf."
Moore scored again on the first Holier Than Thou possession after picking off an errant Priest pass and returning it for another score. The Heretics would make it 18-0 soon, as a Kevin (for lack of a better last name at our disposal) Douillette interception and a long run by Joanna Douillette paved the way for a short TD run by Wilfrid.Priest would muster the forces of good after that early run of misfortune, taking advantage of the short-pass receiving abilities of Brian Geever and Kristen Marvelle, and Breidenstine's soft hands out of the backfield. Two quick TD strikes (including one after a slick Geever interception) brought Holier Than Thou within striking distance at 18-12.
The Heretics would score once more before halftime with some nifty play design, as center Kevin Douillette sprinted down the middle of the field after the snap while Joanna Douillette and Moore held their defenders shallow with post routes. Wilfrid hit Kevin Douillette just behind the secondary for another long passing TD.
The WISFFL lost its only fan at halftime as Laura Casasanto finally called it quits in the deep freeze and high winds. Earlier in the game, Casasanto was forced to crawl into her dead taun-taun for warmth as the Rebel patrol continued its search for her.
The second half was more of the same, as The Heretics outscored Holier Than Thou 14 - 6. Moore scored on a long interception return and on a short crossing route reception and long dash to the end zone.
For Holier Than Thou, Scott Priest used his individually articulated butt cheeks to avoid multiple tackles on a succession of long runs. Heretic defenders would find themselves clutching naught but air, ass, or grass after lunging for Priest's flags -- which darted out of the way, seemingly at Priest's command.
A medical diagram of Scott Priest's butt cheeks indicating his ability to move them strategically to keep his flags out of the hands of Heretic defenders.
The Heretics tacked on two two-point conversions and a last-minute defensive stop, despite the intimidating ferocity of lineman-turned-receiver Lauren Bonneau, whose animal roar could be heard two towns away. Matt Walsh scampered with the ball as the clock expired.
After the game, Moore offered to reconcile with Priest but was met with only a blank stare. "The kingdom of Holier Than Thou is a sanctified place and cannot be tainted by those who use their power for evil."
"You just said taint. Hah! Ass." Moore responded.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Official Sweatshirts Now Available for the Holiday Season
The sweatshirts for WISFFL have been finalized!! Now you can stay nice and warm in sub-zero temperatures, whether you're playing on the Joe Lauducci ACL Memorial Field, attending a Patriots game, or hiding outside waiting to ambush Vilmos with snowballs because he can't strike back because of his sad little wrist. (Tip: Don't attack Eric with snowballs.)
The sweatshirt design is as follows:
Grey hoodies
WISFFL 07 logo on the front of the sweatshirt over the heart.
Personalized name on one sleeve
8.5"x11" version of Matteo's WISFFL color logo on the back
Grey hoodies
WISFFL 07 logo on the front of the sweatshirt over the heart.
Personalized name on one sleeve
8.5"x11" version of Matteo's WISFFL color logo on the back
(Thanks to Stephanie A. Smith for the fantastic design.)
Sweatshirts are $30 each. Get two or three ... they make fantastic Christmas/Hanukkah gifts!
The size chart is as follows:
S: 34-36
M: 38-40
L: 42-44
XL: 46-48
XXL: 50-52
S: 34-36
M: 38-40
L: 42-44
XL: 46-48
XXL: 50-52
If you're interested in getting one, please get Joanna your money (check or cash, it doesn't matter) by next Tuesday, December 4 at 4 pm.
If you don't get your money to her by that time, then you don't get one!
When you bring your money, you will write down EXACTLY what you want your name to say on the sleeve and what size you want.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Moore Guts, Moore Glory Triumphs on Overtime Scamper by Anointed Savior of Mankind
by Groins McWilfrid
No one will ever confuse Matt Moore for Barry Sanders, except for Scott Priest, who, upon hearing of Moore's 20-yard game-winning dash through the Team Yellow backfield, imagined Moore cutting, twisting, and contorting his body to avoid contact with defender after defender, leaving a trail of broken ankles and heartbreak in his wake.
Snap out of it, Priest. He's just younger and faster than the rest of us. And he had Brian "Lorenzo" Geever blocking for him.
The winning run put the thick, frothy head on the ice cold beer that was Saturday afternoon's WISFFL game. The game was tied for most of the contest, including a long spell where both teams had 12 points and MGMG repeatedly thwarted Team Yellow's efforts to punch one in the end zone from short yardage.
MGMG opened up the scoring almost immediately as Kristen "Rohan Davey" Marvelle lined up at QB, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses large enough to use as a tobaggen in more inclement conditions. Sensing a trick play, the TY defense crashed the offensive line, while Marvelle launched a 25 yard bomb down the middle of the field, which was caught by a streaking Moore for the longest passing TD in WISFFL history (maybe?).
TY answered back on the next possession, as a broken play allowed QB Davin Wilfrid to scramble into the end zone from 10 yards out. Wilfrid's groin and hamstrings tried to call for a timeout halfway through the run, but were ignored by officials.
The teams went into the half tied at 12-12. The score would remain that way for the entire 3rd quarter, as MGMG's rotating cast of QBs repeatedly found wide-open TY defenders. TY could not capitalize on these miscues, however, driving deep into MGMG territory on successive possessions, only to be thwarted by stellar defensive play from Adam Gelinas, whose flag-grabbing hands are faster than an industrial chicken-plucking machine, and Geever, who finished the game with 82 tackles, four strips of T-shirt, seven fingers, and 12 actual tackles.
TY would have scored on about 5 plays, but QB Wilfrid repeatedly missed a wide-open Dana Sillers.
MGMG scored early in the fourth quarter on a Tim Lavigne pass to Jason Renda, who caught the ball at the line of scrimmage, then pretended to be under 33 and ran the rest of the way. TY answered right back on a Vilmos Csizmadia interception, which the Hungarian Jackrabbit ran back for a TD.
On its first overtime possession, TY again drove to within three yards of the winning score, but were unable to convert on multiple attempts from close range.
MGMG capitalized on its first overtime possession, as Moore lined up at QB, took the snap, and immediately took off down the field. Geever blocked a blitzing Wilfrid to spring Moore around the outside and Moore did the rest, simply running around the remainder of TY defenders and into the end zone to seal the win.
No one will ever confuse Matt Moore for Barry Sanders, except for Scott Priest, who, upon hearing of Moore's 20-yard game-winning dash through the Team Yellow backfield, imagined Moore cutting, twisting, and contorting his body to avoid contact with defender after defender, leaving a trail of broken ankles and heartbreak in his wake.
Snap out of it, Priest. He's just younger and faster than the rest of us. And he had Brian "Lorenzo" Geever blocking for him.
The winning run put the thick, frothy head on the ice cold beer that was Saturday afternoon's WISFFL game. The game was tied for most of the contest, including a long spell where both teams had 12 points and MGMG repeatedly thwarted Team Yellow's efforts to punch one in the end zone from short yardage.
MGMG opened up the scoring almost immediately as Kristen "Rohan Davey" Marvelle lined up at QB, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses large enough to use as a tobaggen in more inclement conditions. Sensing a trick play, the TY defense crashed the offensive line, while Marvelle launched a 25 yard bomb down the middle of the field, which was caught by a streaking Moore for the longest passing TD in WISFFL history (maybe?).
TY answered back on the next possession, as a broken play allowed QB Davin Wilfrid to scramble into the end zone from 10 yards out. Wilfrid's groin and hamstrings tried to call for a timeout halfway through the run, but were ignored by officials.
The teams went into the half tied at 12-12. The score would remain that way for the entire 3rd quarter, as MGMG's rotating cast of QBs repeatedly found wide-open TY defenders. TY could not capitalize on these miscues, however, driving deep into MGMG territory on successive possessions, only to be thwarted by stellar defensive play from Adam Gelinas, whose flag-grabbing hands are faster than an industrial chicken-plucking machine, and Geever, who finished the game with 82 tackles, four strips of T-shirt, seven fingers, and 12 actual tackles.
TY would have scored on about 5 plays, but QB Wilfrid repeatedly missed a wide-open Dana Sillers.
MGMG scored early in the fourth quarter on a Tim Lavigne pass to Jason Renda, who caught the ball at the line of scrimmage, then pretended to be under 33 and ran the rest of the way. TY answered right back on a Vilmos Csizmadia interception, which the Hungarian Jackrabbit ran back for a TD.
On its first overtime possession, TY again drove to within three yards of the winning score, but were unable to convert on multiple attempts from close range.
MGMG capitalized on its first overtime possession, as Moore lined up at QB, took the snap, and immediately took off down the field. Geever blocked a blitzing Wilfrid to spring Moore around the outside and Moore did the rest, simply running around the remainder of TY defenders and into the end zone to seal the win.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Five Burning Questions Roundtable
Banter between Nick and Matt with predictions from Scott and answers from Laura, the length of which correspond to the number of the question.
1. How long can Stephanie Smith continue to get away with holding?
Laura on the Level: Forever.
Matt: First of all, I don't know what you are talking about. She has legally anchored a rock-solid line for my team two weeks in a row. However, if she tries any of this so-called "holding" now that she's no longer on my team? She won't last one play. I have a Mr. Eric Warner ready to regulate. It will be like the boulder in the cave in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Except the boulder runs him over this time. And there will be Nazis on the field. And Gimli.
Nick: I think you must be getting bad intel, because word on the street is that Eric Warner will be getting his lion's mane of hair trimmed for more aerodynamic rushing in future games, and thus won't be present on game day
Matt: Why don't you answer the question at hand, Hillary. That fact is, we won't tolerate any holding. Matteo will run an errand right through her.
Nick: The real fact is this: We're a well-coached, well-respected team in this league, with good fundamentals. Get down in your best three point stance and bring it.
Padre's Prediction: Holding? What holding? All I know is Stephanie Smith is a lovely wife and mother. She should not be questioned ever.
2. Who will step up as quarterback for Moore Guts More Glory?
Laura on the Level: Matt Walsh.
Nick: I think "step up" is a misnomer here, because it implies someone is going to do well, and I just don't see that happening against the Yellow Team (The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over the Lazy Moore) defense.
Matt: Your team name now sounds like a Fall Out Boy song. Which is ironic, because their songs also suck. Look, we will be fine at quarterback. We have about five potential candidates depending on the situation. You've seen how QB rotations can work. Look at the Cardinals this year. And look at the Bears...I mean the Falcons...I mean--you know what the Redskins suck.
Nick: While you spend time on song names, we'll spend our time developing a defensive scheme to get keep Davin on pace for his 20 INT, hall of fame season.
Matt: The song title that best describes Davin's pick total? Smashing Pumpkins - "Zero." Our collective TD to INT ratio? Tool - "Forty-Six and 2"
Padre's Prediction: I foresee a Renda/Breidenstine/Moore cycle depending on matchups. I think the playbook will have to be creative--misdirection, running plays, options, etc. That, or Leigh Murphy.
3. How will Adam Gelinas, Kristen Marvelle, Stephanie Casey, and Leigh Murphy fare in their debut?
Laura on the Level: Very well, thanks.
Matt: Is this a serious question? The Big Four have the privilege of playing on my team, and they will prove any doubter wrong. Gelinas and Casey will bring their softball prowess to the gridiron. Leigh is more famous than anyone on the field. As for Kristen? Well, I don't even want to hint at what's shes scheming for this weekend. Just know that she is the Kordell Stewart of this team--think versatility sans abysmal play. They are like Superman, Ivan Drago, Achilles, and, Jason Vorhees. The only things that can stop them are kryptonite, Rocky, an arrow to the heel, and Corey Feldman.
Nick: I don't want to focus on the negatives of the newcomers (though there are many). Instead, let's focus on the positives - none of them are playing on my team.
Matt: I'm going to go talk to Sean about pop culture references since you clearly can't keep up.
Nick: If you think it's tough to keep up with Sean's 80s New England Sports references, just wait until you see him shredding your secondary on game day
Padre's Prediction:
- Gelinas will be slower than expected as the camera around his neck will probably weigh him down a bit. Padre's prediction: 6 receptions, 58 yards, 2 broken lenses.
- Steph Casey's performance will be entirely decided upon whether she wears her highstockings, and also whether Matt Moore keeps her the requisite 20 feet away from Renda as required by Massachusetts law. Padre's prediction: 4 receptions, 24 yards, one completed TD pass on a trick play, one "accidental" kick to Couch's groin.
- I heard Kristen Marvelle say that she would do anything for the victory, and that's the kind of spirit Matt Moore values, so I expect only great things from her. Padre's prediction: 1 victory.
- Leigh Murphy: We all know Leigh is more famous than Dana Carvey. But what about Tom Brady? Randy Moss? Craphonso Thorpe? These will be the questions Leigh needs to answer Saturday. Padre's prediction: 2 receptions, 9 yards, 1 carry, 23 yards, 47 unreturned zingers tossed Matt Moore's way.
4. How strong will the Davin Wilfrid/Sean Edwards connection be?
Laura on the Level: More than you know.
Nick: As crystal clear, perfectly crafted, and glisteningly beautiful as a 10 karat diamond.
Matt: Yeah, a blood diamond. While you fantasize about materialistic, fleeting beauty gained through the evils of capitalism, I will dream up the ultimate defensive scheme to disrupt this duo. You think the Tampa 2 was good? You like the New Jersey trap? My Belichickian playmaking will make Wilfrid/Freddie Mitchell as successful as the Spears/Federline marriage.
Nick: Let's get back to the question at hand. How strong is this combo? Too strong! (Remember the Titans reference, anyone?) As in, too strong for your excuse for cornerbacks.
Matt: You want strong? Try some delicious Natty Ice. You want a fake football team motto? Try CLEAR EYES. FULL HEARTS. CAN'T LOSE. (Friday Night Lights--please watch Friday nights at 9 p.m. on NBC so it doesn't get canceled). You want crap? Try Denzel Washington and the Q.B.F.J.O.T.L.M. passing attack.
Padre's Prediction: The Wilfrid/Edwards combo will rank in the annals between Joey Harrington/Roddy White and JP Losman/Lee Evans. It will rank significantly below the Priest/Moore connection. Padre's prediction: 12 completions, 100 yards, 3 touchdowns, but a losing effort, so who the fuck cares?
5. Will Matteo show up? Who will block him (if not the need to "run errands")?
Laura on the Level: Probably, like, a shiny object.
Matt: Everyone should just calm down. Last week was just Matteo being Matteo. He will be there Saturday ready to go. All we need is to find his football, put it on a leash, and tie it to his head so it won't get lost again. Quite simply, there is NO ONE in the WISFFL who can block or get by Matteo. It's like hitting a brick wall.
Nick: Will he show up? I sure hope so! Matteo might be a force on the line, but he's also a force in the huddle. Namely, calling extravagant, intricate, over-the-top 60 second plays after every down that will surely result in total confusion for their offense, and about 47 delay of game penalties as well.
Matt: Our receivers will be Gone in 60 seconds...gone into the endzone, zing! Our playmaking will be much simpler than it was for poorly managed Team Yellow. The fact that you can only lash out at his play calling ability shows how much of a force Matteo is physically. The only confusion will be Q.B.F.J.O.T.L.M. when they try to think of their team name.
Nick: Poorly managed? We won 43-20! Imagine the TDs that could have been had we not eaten up 40% of the game in the huddle. As for Matteo, we plan on neutralizing his physical ability with a mix of biting, scratching, chop blocks, and harsh words about his hair. That's right Matteo, your hair.
Padre's Prediction: If it's anything like the first game, the ground will probably do a fine job blocking Mr. Gulla.
BONUS: Who will win? MVP?
Laura on the Level: Everybody's an MVP and it's a tie.
Padre's Pregame Prediction: Moore Guts More Glory 33, Other Team 30. MVP: Matt Moore, who else? LVP: Davin Wilfrid. He sucks.
1. How long can Stephanie Smith continue to get away with holding?
Laura on the Level: Forever.
Matt: First of all, I don't know what you are talking about. She has legally anchored a rock-solid line for my team two weeks in a row. However, if she tries any of this so-called "holding" now that she's no longer on my team? She won't last one play. I have a Mr. Eric Warner ready to regulate. It will be like the boulder in the cave in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Except the boulder runs him over this time. And there will be Nazis on the field. And Gimli.
Nick: I think you must be getting bad intel, because word on the street is that Eric Warner will be getting his lion's mane of hair trimmed for more aerodynamic rushing in future games, and thus won't be present on game day
Matt: Why don't you answer the question at hand, Hillary. That fact is, we won't tolerate any holding. Matteo will run an errand right through her.
Nick: The real fact is this: We're a well-coached, well-respected team in this league, with good fundamentals. Get down in your best three point stance and bring it.
Padre's Prediction: Holding? What holding? All I know is Stephanie Smith is a lovely wife and mother. She should not be questioned ever.
2. Who will step up as quarterback for Moore Guts More Glory?
Laura on the Level: Matt Walsh.
Nick: I think "step up" is a misnomer here, because it implies someone is going to do well, and I just don't see that happening against the Yellow Team (The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over the Lazy Moore) defense.
Matt: Your team name now sounds like a Fall Out Boy song. Which is ironic, because their songs also suck. Look, we will be fine at quarterback. We have about five potential candidates depending on the situation. You've seen how QB rotations can work. Look at the Cardinals this year. And look at the Bears...I mean the Falcons...I mean--you know what the Redskins suck.
Nick: While you spend time on song names, we'll spend our time developing a defensive scheme to get keep Davin on pace for his 20 INT, hall of fame season.
Matt: The song title that best describes Davin's pick total? Smashing Pumpkins - "Zero." Our collective TD to INT ratio? Tool - "Forty-Six and 2"
Padre's Prediction: I foresee a Renda/Breidenstine/Moore cycle depending on matchups. I think the playbook will have to be creative--misdirection, running plays, options, etc. That, or Leigh Murphy.
3. How will Adam Gelinas, Kristen Marvelle, Stephanie Casey, and Leigh Murphy fare in their debut?
Laura on the Level: Very well, thanks.
Matt: Is this a serious question? The Big Four have the privilege of playing on my team, and they will prove any doubter wrong. Gelinas and Casey will bring their softball prowess to the gridiron. Leigh is more famous than anyone on the field. As for Kristen? Well, I don't even want to hint at what's shes scheming for this weekend. Just know that she is the Kordell Stewart of this team--think versatility sans abysmal play. They are like Superman, Ivan Drago, Achilles, and, Jason Vorhees. The only things that can stop them are kryptonite, Rocky, an arrow to the heel, and Corey Feldman.
Nick: I don't want to focus on the negatives of the newcomers (though there are many). Instead, let's focus on the positives - none of them are playing on my team.
Matt: I'm going to go talk to Sean about pop culture references since you clearly can't keep up.
Nick: If you think it's tough to keep up with Sean's 80s New England Sports references, just wait until you see him shredding your secondary on game day
Padre's Prediction:
- Gelinas will be slower than expected as the camera around his neck will probably weigh him down a bit. Padre's prediction: 6 receptions, 58 yards, 2 broken lenses.
- Steph Casey's performance will be entirely decided upon whether she wears her highstockings, and also whether Matt Moore keeps her the requisite 20 feet away from Renda as required by Massachusetts law. Padre's prediction: 4 receptions, 24 yards, one completed TD pass on a trick play, one "accidental" kick to Couch's groin.
- I heard Kristen Marvelle say that she would do anything for the victory, and that's the kind of spirit Matt Moore values, so I expect only great things from her. Padre's prediction: 1 victory.
- Leigh Murphy: We all know Leigh is more famous than Dana Carvey. But what about Tom Brady? Randy Moss? Craphonso Thorpe? These will be the questions Leigh needs to answer Saturday. Padre's prediction: 2 receptions, 9 yards, 1 carry, 23 yards, 47 unreturned zingers tossed Matt Moore's way.
4. How strong will the Davin Wilfrid/Sean Edwards connection be?
Laura on the Level: More than you know.
Nick: As crystal clear, perfectly crafted, and glisteningly beautiful as a 10 karat diamond.
Matt: Yeah, a blood diamond. While you fantasize about materialistic, fleeting beauty gained through the evils of capitalism, I will dream up the ultimate defensive scheme to disrupt this duo. You think the Tampa 2 was good? You like the New Jersey trap? My Belichickian playmaking will make Wilfrid/Freddie Mitchell as successful as the Spears/Federline marriage.
Nick: Let's get back to the question at hand. How strong is this combo? Too strong! (Remember the Titans reference, anyone?) As in, too strong for your excuse for cornerbacks.
Matt: You want strong? Try some delicious Natty Ice. You want a fake football team motto? Try CLEAR EYES. FULL HEARTS. CAN'T LOSE. (Friday Night Lights--please watch Friday nights at 9 p.m. on NBC so it doesn't get canceled). You want crap? Try Denzel Washington and the Q.B.F.J.O.T.L.M. passing attack.
Padre's Prediction: The Wilfrid/Edwards combo will rank in the annals between Joey Harrington/Roddy White and JP Losman/Lee Evans. It will rank significantly below the Priest/Moore connection. Padre's prediction: 12 completions, 100 yards, 3 touchdowns, but a losing effort, so who the fuck cares?
5. Will Matteo show up? Who will block him (if not the need to "run errands")?
Laura on the Level: Probably, like, a shiny object.
Matt: Everyone should just calm down. Last week was just Matteo being Matteo. He will be there Saturday ready to go. All we need is to find his football, put it on a leash, and tie it to his head so it won't get lost again. Quite simply, there is NO ONE in the WISFFL who can block or get by Matteo. It's like hitting a brick wall.
Nick: Will he show up? I sure hope so! Matteo might be a force on the line, but he's also a force in the huddle. Namely, calling extravagant, intricate, over-the-top 60 second plays after every down that will surely result in total confusion for their offense, and about 47 delay of game penalties as well.
Matt: Our receivers will be Gone in 60 seconds...gone into the endzone, zing! Our playmaking will be much simpler than it was for poorly managed Team Yellow. The fact that you can only lash out at his play calling ability shows how much of a force Matteo is physically. The only confusion will be Q.B.F.J.O.T.L.M. when they try to think of their team name.
Nick: Poorly managed? We won 43-20! Imagine the TDs that could have been had we not eaten up 40% of the game in the huddle. As for Matteo, we plan on neutralizing his physical ability with a mix of biting, scratching, chop blocks, and harsh words about his hair. That's right Matteo, your hair.
Padre's Prediction: If it's anything like the first game, the ground will probably do a fine job blocking Mr. Gulla.
BONUS: Who will win? MVP?
Laura on the Level: Everybody's an MVP and it's a tie.
Padre's Pregame Prediction: Moore Guts More Glory 33, Other Team 30. MVP: Matt Moore, who else? LVP: Davin Wilfrid. He sucks.
Week 2 in Pictures
Pregame Warm-ups for The Foxxxy Ladies
Moore Better Than You Lines Up
Joe Theis--Lauducci Tosses One Deep Over a Leaping Renda
Sillers Makes a Reception in Front of Zomer
Breidenstine arrives ... FINALLY ... 
... and Promptly Picks off Lauducci
Eric Frightens Everyone
Edwards Cannot Escape Priest Despite Barrett's Blocking
Priest Scrambles Before Dumping it Off
Scott Makes a Desparation Heave
Walsh Celebrates After Recording a Tackle Despite the Clock Ticking Down to a Moore Better Than You Victory Photos Courtesy of Laura (on Wes' Camera)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Week 3 Injury Report
INJURED RESERVE
Joe Lauducci (ACL)
OUT
Wes Hosking (Hamstring)
QUESTIONABLE
Alissa Nelson (Thumb) *Downgraded from PROBABLE
Ari Zomer (Calf, Hamstring, Hip Flexor, Back, Head, Shoulder, Knee)
Matteo Gulla (Running Errands)
PROBABLE
Dana Sillers (Hamstring)
Matt Moore (Ankle)
Matt Walsh (Out of Shape)
Stephanie Smith (Quadricep x2)
Joe Lauducci (ACL)
OUT
Wes Hosking (Hamstring)
QUESTIONABLE
Alissa Nelson (Thumb) *Downgraded from PROBABLE
Ari Zomer (Calf, Hamstring, Hip Flexor, Back, Head, Shoulder, Knee)
Matteo Gulla (Running Errands)
PROBABLE
Dana Sillers (Hamstring)
Matt Moore (Ankle)
Matt Walsh (Out of Shape)
Stephanie Smith (Quadricep x2)
Timely Interceptions Preserve 39-37 Victory for Moore Better Than You
By Jerzy Jerz Wilfridsson
Peer advisee extraordinaire Matt Moore captained Moore Better Than You to a 39-37 victory over the Foxxxy Ladies at Ellis Hobbs III Memorial Stadium Saturday afternoon.
Moore reeled in two touchdown receptions and an extra point* before leaving in the 4th quarter because he had better things to do.
Moore’s leadership skills were questioned early on when several members of the team failed to show up to the highly anticipated matchup, for which Moore had prepared by ignoring work and saying hateful things to rival captain Nick Fox throughout the workday Friday. But when the game got under way, Moore’s team played with a coalescence unseen in the first game.
When reached for comment, Moore said, “Raaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” or at least that’s all we could hear from the death metal blaring from his car stereo.
The Foxxxy Ladies held a 31-25 lead late in the 4th when Father Scott Priest connected with someone or maybe rushed it in to tie things up at 31, he doesn’t remember. A successful extra point pushed Moore Better Than You to a one-point lead, needing a defensive stop to keep the Foxxxy Ladies from victory. On the first play of the drive Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes repped PA something fierce, running back an interception for what would prove to be the winning touchdown. The successful point-after pushed the Moore Better Than You lead to 39-31.
The Foxxxy Ladies would not go down quietly, as Ken “Nelly’s Second-Favorite Scott” Scott picked apart a tired Moore Better Than You defense, gaining a first down at midfield with a minute remaining. Scott connected with Sean “Why Don’t You Young Bastards Get My Pop Culture References from the Late-80s/Early-90s?” Edwards on a slant over the middle and Priest, playing an extremely lazy deep-safety managed to tackle Edwards ten yards outside the end zone.
Scott picked his way through the defense and the Foxxxy Ladies scored somehow, probably on a run by Edwards, or maybe it was Dana Sillers’ reception in the back of the end zone. Down 39-37, the Foxxxy Ladies faced a ten-yard two-point conversion, and lined up with Edwards in the backfield. Moore Better Than You called a timeout, adjusted its stalwart defense, and when play resumed, outside linebacker Couch Renda pulled in an interception at the goal line, icing the game.
The game was much smoother than the WIS crew’s first attempt, thanks to more open field in 7-on-7 and then 6-on-6 competition, non-hurricane-impeded conditions, and revamped playbooks for each side.
Priest, for instance, displayed a revolutionary new quarterbacking technique, throwing a remarkable 427 completed passes to linemen or slot receivers for no gain. The Padre also pulled his left, right, northwest, orthodox, south, lateral, east, middle, and medium groin muscles in his various attempts to avoid the rabid pass rushes of Eric “One of Mike Vick’s Dogs” Warner.
Moore Better Than You featured several standout receiving performances, including deep touchdown receptions by Moore and Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes. Moore and Breidenstine>Mendes each also pulled in extraordinary sideline grabs, Breidenstine>Mendes’ for a one-point conversion and Moore’s for his second TD of the day. Moore stood out as the team’s greatest celebrator, perfecting his half-spinning-semi-chest-bump-jumping-thing with Priest by his third score.
For the most part, though, it was a possession-dominated game, as Ari “a fusion of Wes Welker and Troy Brown circa 2001” Zomer hauled in several quick slants and hooks to keep drives alive, and Couch Renda had more receptions as an eligible offensive lineman than Mike Vrabel on acid.
Nelly Nelson provided an offensive spark for Moore Better Than You, running circles around her boss and boytoy, before jamming her thumb on some unknown play, which was undoubtedly Scott’s fault. Scott slept on the couch.
Davin Wilfrid sucks.
Steph “Diesel” Smith did an admirable job keeping the foaming-at-the-mouth Warner at bay, using her patented “I will blatantly hold you because no one is going to call a penalty” blocking technique to buy Priest time to scramble with the adroit running style of John Goodman in quicksand.
Wes Hosking reeled in a couple of catches, including a highlight-reel grab off a deflection off Renda’s hands for an important first down in the 3rd quarter. Said Hosking, “I do what I do, motherfuckers.”
Scott quarterbacked the Foxxxy Ladies valiantly after starting QB Joe Lauducci went down with an injury just before halftime. Scott teamed up with Fox, Edwards, Sillers, Tim Lavigne (who gets mad props for taking Lauducci to the hospital), and Mike Melo to advance the ball downfield against a bend-don’t-break Moore Better Than You defense throughout the afternoon. Warner, Chase Barrett, and Matt “Steph Smith Says I’m Cuddly” Walsh provided a solid offensive line behind which Scott was given ample time to scramble before finding open receivers.
The next game is slated for some future time, probably Saturday.
*All stats are verified through the Elias Sports Bureau. And by that, I mean that they are blatant fabrications.
Peer advisee extraordinaire Matt Moore captained Moore Better Than You to a 39-37 victory over the Foxxxy Ladies at Ellis Hobbs III Memorial Stadium Saturday afternoon.
Moore reeled in two touchdown receptions and an extra point* before leaving in the 4th quarter because he had better things to do.
Moore’s leadership skills were questioned early on when several members of the team failed to show up to the highly anticipated matchup, for which Moore had prepared by ignoring work and saying hateful things to rival captain Nick Fox throughout the workday Friday. But when the game got under way, Moore’s team played with a coalescence unseen in the first game.
When reached for comment, Moore said, “Raaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” or at least that’s all we could hear from the death metal blaring from his car stereo.
The Foxxxy Ladies held a 31-25 lead late in the 4th when Father Scott Priest connected with someone or maybe rushed it in to tie things up at 31, he doesn’t remember. A successful extra point pushed Moore Better Than You to a one-point lead, needing a defensive stop to keep the Foxxxy Ladies from victory. On the first play of the drive Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes repped PA something fierce, running back an interception for what would prove to be the winning touchdown. The successful point-after pushed the Moore Better Than You lead to 39-31.
The Foxxxy Ladies would not go down quietly, as Ken “Nelly’s Second-Favorite Scott” Scott picked apart a tired Moore Better Than You defense, gaining a first down at midfield with a minute remaining. Scott connected with Sean “Why Don’t You Young Bastards Get My Pop Culture References from the Late-80s/Early-90s?” Edwards on a slant over the middle and Priest, playing an extremely lazy deep-safety managed to tackle Edwards ten yards outside the end zone.
Scott picked his way through the defense and the Foxxxy Ladies scored somehow, probably on a run by Edwards, or maybe it was Dana Sillers’ reception in the back of the end zone. Down 39-37, the Foxxxy Ladies faced a ten-yard two-point conversion, and lined up with Edwards in the backfield. Moore Better Than You called a timeout, adjusted its stalwart defense, and when play resumed, outside linebacker Couch Renda pulled in an interception at the goal line, icing the game.
The game was much smoother than the WIS crew’s first attempt, thanks to more open field in 7-on-7 and then 6-on-6 competition, non-hurricane-impeded conditions, and revamped playbooks for each side.
Priest, for instance, displayed a revolutionary new quarterbacking technique, throwing a remarkable 427 completed passes to linemen or slot receivers for no gain. The Padre also pulled his left, right, northwest, orthodox, south, lateral, east, middle, and medium groin muscles in his various attempts to avoid the rabid pass rushes of Eric “One of Mike Vick’s Dogs” Warner.
Moore Better Than You featured several standout receiving performances, including deep touchdown receptions by Moore and Kyle Breidenstine>Joe Mendes. Moore and Breidenstine>Mendes each also pulled in extraordinary sideline grabs, Breidenstine>Mendes’ for a one-point conversion and Moore’s for his second TD of the day. Moore stood out as the team’s greatest celebrator, perfecting his half-spinning-semi-chest-bump-jumping-thing with Priest by his third score.
For the most part, though, it was a possession-dominated game, as Ari “a fusion of Wes Welker and Troy Brown circa 2001” Zomer hauled in several quick slants and hooks to keep drives alive, and Couch Renda had more receptions as an eligible offensive lineman than Mike Vrabel on acid.
Nelly Nelson provided an offensive spark for Moore Better Than You, running circles around her boss and boytoy, before jamming her thumb on some unknown play, which was undoubtedly Scott’s fault. Scott slept on the couch.
Davin Wilfrid sucks.
Steph “Diesel” Smith did an admirable job keeping the foaming-at-the-mouth Warner at bay, using her patented “I will blatantly hold you because no one is going to call a penalty” blocking technique to buy Priest time to scramble with the adroit running style of John Goodman in quicksand.
Wes Hosking reeled in a couple of catches, including a highlight-reel grab off a deflection off Renda’s hands for an important first down in the 3rd quarter. Said Hosking, “I do what I do, motherfuckers.”
Scott quarterbacked the Foxxxy Ladies valiantly after starting QB Joe Lauducci went down with an injury just before halftime. Scott teamed up with Fox, Edwards, Sillers, Tim Lavigne (who gets mad props for taking Lauducci to the hospital), and Mike Melo to advance the ball downfield against a bend-don’t-break Moore Better Than You defense throughout the afternoon. Warner, Chase Barrett, and Matt “Steph Smith Says I’m Cuddly” Walsh provided a solid offensive line behind which Scott was given ample time to scramble before finding open receivers.
The next game is slated for some future time, probably Saturday.
*All stats are verified through the Elias Sports Bureau. And by that, I mean that they are blatant fabrications.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Early miscues open door to 43-20 rout for Team Yellow
by Arantxa Sanchez Vicario
Late in the fourth quarter of Team Yellow's 43-20 victory over Team Red at Ellis Stadium on Saturday, diminutive Team Yellow flanker Susie Harding grabbed rookie QB Davin Wilfrid by the collar and barked into his face.
"I'm going down the left sideline. I'll be open. Throw me the fucking ball," Harding demanded.
Wilfrid received the ensuing snap, looked right, and fired left to a wide-open Harding, who charged into the end zone for Team Yellow's only extra point conversion of the contest.
That play was about the only precise thing that happened in a game obscured by intermittent rainfall, near-freezing temperatures, gale winds, and Matteo Gulla's insane play calling.
Team Yellow jumped out to an early lead on the first drive of the game when a broken play opened a huge hole for Wilfrid, who scrambled into the end zone. Wilfrid took advantage of Kyle Breidenstine's McNabb-like passing on the first Team Red possession, intercepting a pass and running it back for Team Yellow's second touchdown.
Yellow would finish the half with a 30-0 lead on the strength of touchdown passes to Scott "I really wasn't that psyched to come here today" Priest and Vilmos "The Wrist" Csizmadia, and another interception return.
Team Red regrouped in the second half
as Breidenstine and Ken "Hi, I'm Ken" Scott alternated at QB. Red found its running and short passing game as Breidenstine, Scott, Matt Moore, Mike Melo, and Sean Edwards took turns rifling through the backfield for short yardage gains. Edwards also set the all-time flag football record for amount of times getting tackled as his flags crept inch-by-inch up under his rain-soaked gray hoodie.
Moore had two picks and Edwards one as Red stormed back, largely on the strength of Joann Douillette's homegrown "Mermaid" play, in which invisible sea creatures breathe life back into Tom Hanks.
Team Red also found new life in the play of Alissa "Peyton" Nelson. Like her hero, Nelson was accurate, competent, and jovial while winning -- and then blamed her teammates for the loss. Nelson will now star in 67 off-season commercials.
Also setting the tone for Team Red was Stephanie Smith, whose innovative blocking techniques kept Gulla at bay on the line of scrimmage. After each snap, Gulla could be heard moaning "I think that's holding..." as he was dragged to his demise in four inches of freezing mud.
Gulla also won the Microsoft
Vista
award for needlessly overcomplicated play-calling for his three-act play in which temp QB Dana was supposed to feign anger at Csizmadia's off-positioning and walk away, leaving the ball to be snapped to real QB Wilfrid. Explaining the play took longer than did the play itself, which resulted in a sack.
Anyway, Red pulled within striking distance at 30-20, but then Yellow found its game again as Nick Fox adroitly picked off a Scott pass and ran it back for a TD. Harding contributed a huge pick-off late in the game.
Game 2 is this Saturday. Same time, same place.
Late in the fourth quarter of Team Yellow's 43-20 victory over Team Red at Ellis Stadium on Saturday, diminutive Team Yellow flanker Susie Harding grabbed rookie QB Davin Wilfrid by the collar and barked into his face.
"I'm going down the left sideline. I'll be open. Throw me the fucking ball," Harding demanded.Wilfrid received the ensuing snap, looked right, and fired left to a wide-open Harding, who charged into the end zone for Team Yellow's only extra point conversion of the contest.
That play was about the only precise thing that happened in a game obscured by intermittent rainfall, near-freezing temperatures, gale winds, and Matteo Gulla's insane play calling.
Team Yellow jumped out to an early lead on the first drive of the game when a broken play opened a huge hole for Wilfrid, who scrambled into the end zone. Wilfrid took advantage of Kyle Breidenstine's McNabb-like passing on the first Team Red possession, intercepting a pass and running it back for Team Yellow's second touchdown.
Yellow would finish the half with a 30-0 lead on the strength of touchdown passes to Scott "I really wasn't that psyched to come here today" Priest and Vilmos "The Wrist" Csizmadia, and another interception return.
Team Red regrouped in the second half
as Breidenstine and Ken "Hi, I'm Ken" Scott alternated at QB. Red found its running and short passing game as Breidenstine, Scott, Matt Moore, Mike Melo, and Sean Edwards took turns rifling through the backfield for short yardage gains. Edwards also set the all-time flag football record for amount of times getting tackled as his flags crept inch-by-inch up under his rain-soaked gray hoodie.
Moore had two picks and Edwards one as Red stormed back, largely on the strength of Joann Douillette's homegrown "Mermaid" play, in which invisible sea creatures breathe life back into Tom Hanks.
Team Red also found new life in the play of Alissa "Peyton" Nelson. Like her hero, Nelson was accurate, competent, and jovial while winning -- and then blamed her teammates for the loss. Nelson will now star in 67 off-season commercials.
Also setting the tone for Team Red was Stephanie Smith, whose innovative blocking techniques kept Gulla at bay on the line of scrimmage. After each snap, Gulla could be heard moaning "I think that's holding..." as he was dragged to his demise in four inches of freezing mud.Gulla also won the Microsoft
Vistaaward for needlessly overcomplicated play-calling for his three-act play in which temp QB Dana was supposed to feign anger at Csizmadia's off-positioning and walk away, leaving the ball to be snapped to real QB Wilfrid. Explaining the play took longer than did the play itself, which resulted in a sack.
Anyway, Red pulled within striking distance at 30-20, but then Yellow found its game again as Nick Fox adroitly picked off a Scott pass and ran it back for a TD. Harding contributed a huge pick-off late in the game.
Game 2 is this Saturday. Same time, same place.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Official Rules
Basic Information
Field size: 60 yards long.
End zones: 10 yards deep.
Ball placement: Each drive will begin with the ball placed at the 10-yard line.
First Downs: The field will be divided into three 20-yard sections, each marked with cones. Teams will have four downs to get to the next first down marker.
Team Size: 7 on 7 or 8 on 8 depending on how many total players there are – will be decided prior to game time.
Time:
- Four 20-minute quarters.
- Running clock (regardless of incomplete passes or running out of bounds) until the final two minutes of each half. There will be a two-minute warning, and the remaining time will be under college rules, where incomplete passes, players running out of bounds, spiking the ball, and first downs will stop the game clock.
- The game clock will stop outside of the two-minute warning if any questions regarding rules (or heaven forbid, injuries) arise.
- Teams can huddle to call a play for 30 seconds. Otherwise, there is no play clock. Note: 30 seconds is not hard and fast, it’s just a goal so that we can keep the game moving along at a good pace. Keep it reasonable.
- Both teams will have three timeouts per half that can be used at any time.
Offensive/Defensive Line: A minimum of 3 players must be on the line for both sides. All offensive linemen may release to receive a pass. The center can snap the ball any way he or she chooses.
Extra Points: Teams can attempt to convert from the 5-yard line for 1 point or the 10-yard line for 2 points. They can either pass or rush—the point value won’t be different.
Overtime: College rules. Teams alternate possessions, beginning with the ball at the opponent's 20-yard line. First possession is determined by coin flip. Both teams have one timeout. All regulation scoring rules are in effect. There is no game clock.
Rules & Regulations
Referees: There will be no referee, unless someone would like to volunteer. Nick, Matt, and Scott will make any final calls regarding questionable plays. The goal is not for us to be in charge of to police the game, but for people to keep themselves/each other within the rules. At least for the first game, Laura will be keeping time.
Opening possession will be determined by a coin flip. The opposite team will start with the ball the next half.
Light Blocking: Pass rushers do not need to count and can rush at will. However, they must start approximately 3 yards away from the line of scrimmage. They can be blocked between the neck and waist. Shoving and holding by the offensive linemen are not allowed. Note the “light” in blocking … think of it as blocking with your body, not using your hands to push/pull/grab/etc. the other person. This also counts for receivers downfield, punt returns, etc.
“Tackling” (De-flagging)
- The ball will be spotted where the flag is removed.
- Players can be run out of or lightly pushed out of bounds.
- Flag guarding of any kind (e.g., stiff-arms, smacking hands away) is not allowed. See below for an example of illegal flag guarding:
- If a player loses flags accidentally or his/her entire flag belt and has possession of the ball, they may be “tackled” via two-hand touch.
Kicking
- There will be no kick-offs. Drives following scores will begin at the team’s own 10-yard line.
- Teams can choose to punt on fourth down. The punter will start with the ball (without a snap) about 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Regular formation rules apply (at least three linemen on each side), the defense cannot attempt to block, and neither team can move until the ball is punted. Otherwise, regular punt rules apply (can be returned, fair caught, punts can be muffed and recovered by the kicking team).
Turnovers: Fumbled balls are live and can be recovered by either team, and interceptions can be run back by the defense. However, intentionally stripping the ball is NOT allowed. If the defensive player is not wearing a flag belt, two-hand touch will count them as down.
Misc.
- There are no restrictions on rushing: quarterbacks may run at any time, handoffs and pitches are allowed, laterals are allowed but are considered fumbles if dropped. Forward passes may only be thrown from behind the line of scrimmage.
- Receivers may catch the ball with just one foot in bounds.
- QB kneels are not allowed. (Where’s the fun in that?)
- If a player with the ball has his or her knee or elbow touch the ground, they may be "tackled" by being touched by a defensive player.
- Cleats are encouraged, but please don’t bring ones with metal spikes.
Penalties
We will NOT be looking to call penalties—this is just so we have a reference if anything happens or needs to be called!
All penalties can be declined by the benefiting team.
No “half the distance to the goal”—ball will be placed at the goal line if there’s no more room.
Penalty (Offense/Defense/Loss of Down)
Delay of Game (5 yards/5 yards/Yes)
Holding (10 yards/10 yards/No)
Pass Interference (10 yards/ball placed at spot of the foul/No)
Off Sides/False Start (5 yards/5 yards/No)
Tackling (--/20 yards/No)
Running Through a Defender (10 yards/--/No)
Flag Guarding (play stopped, 5 yards from spot of foul/--/No)
Clipping/Chop Block (20 yards/--/Yes)
Block in the Back (10 yards/--/No)
Unsportsmanlike Conduct (10 yards/10 yards/No)
Setting a Pick (10 yards/--/No)
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